Bubs is drowning

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
1

I’m sorry, I’m just very overwhelmed and trickling with anxiety over what’s been happening.

I’ve already been struggling with depression since 14 and unofficially since 6. I’ve had suicide attempts and self harmed previously but haven’t done either in 2 years.

Recently this year, I started medication again and it’s really been helping. Recently my doctor told me to try going off it to see if I’m able to adjust without the need for medication and this was a clear sign for me that I was getting better. This was a big win for me especially since I had a negative view of medication and counselling growing up.

Recently I’ve been having more difficult emotions and I talked to my husband about maybe going back on the medication and he brought up his views on medication and mental health again. He believes that this is all in my head and can be better managed without medication because he’s been doing it. I’ve been at a loss about seeking help and I feel crazy about wanting to see a doctor about the problems I’m having.

Me and my husband works at the same company. I brought him in after he has difficulties at his previous job, it was causing him stress and high blood pressure (working in tech sales). I brought him in since I knew he wouldn’t have to stress over sales targets. It was all good at first, I made sure we maintained a professional boundary at work and I kept a professional distance from colleagues because I understood the challenges of working together as a married couple.

In general, I’m more introverted and tend to focus on the work at task while at work(this means I usually don’t go to peoples tables to strike up conversation). He on the other hand, is more social and believes in maintaining strong relationships. I recently felt uncomfortable with his relationships after I noticed that the group he hangs out with ostracises people and overall is creating a cliquey-like behaviour in the company.

I recently found out that one of the girls has a crush on him and told him to maintain a boundary to avoid anything unnecessary but instead he said I was overthinking and causing him issues. For some context, I’m pending a gallbladder surgery in October and I can’t eat certain foods.

The two girls from the clique asked him for dinner since we both were working late. He told them to help him take away instead but they didn’t ask me so he asked me. I told him that I couldn’t eat what they were eating and told me to eat ■■■■ (ni jiak sai) infront of them.

I texted him that it wasn’t nice and he told me how I was treating him wasn’t nice and it escalated in a fury of text eventually leading him to drop an ultimatum. “Either you leave or I leave” I ended up sending in my registration letter and bcc’d him because he stated “since you don’t like the company so much, you should be the one who leaves”.

I sent a registration letter to my dear manager, and I don’t say that lightly. She’s a really good boss. She makes what I’m doing feel fulfilling and now I have to leave the company. I’m at a loss at what to do. I had an anxiety attack after I sent the letter and I had to pack up and leave work straight after without him.

I broke down the first thing I reach home and now I’m sitting at the GP hoping to get something that stops the pain I’m feeling.

What do I do now? What should I focus on?

2

Hello Bubs, sharing some support and encouragement while you wait for a let’s talk therapist’s reply. It seems very wise to seek a doctor’s advice about the emotions you are going through and going back on medication. You know your body and mind the best and you should follow your intuition.

It seems to me, hearing your experience, that you can also consider marriage/ couple counselling. There are community service providers that you can reach out to which are convenient and cost effective - Family Counselling. They may help with some of the communication challenges that you are facing with your husband. You can also speak to a trusted mediator that you and your husband both respect like a religious figure or someone senior in your family - this may be a smaller step to take.

Regarding your work, do you feel that you have resigned solely because of your husband or do you feel like your work environment/situation needs to change? If it’s the former, would you want to reconsider your decision and speak with your manager (whom you seem to respect and enjoy working with)?

If it’s the latter, perhaps it’s a good time to take a short break while you focus on your health and family. It may help you focus on getting better and recharging before looking for another employment.

Have a speedy recovery with your gallbladder surgery in Oct. :growing_heart:

3

Hi @Bubs thank you for sharing your experience here. I’m really so proud of you for getting through depression and being here with us today. It is not easy, and you truly deserve all the care and support you need.

I see you reaching out to have a discussion about possibly going on medication – an already difficult discussion since you had a negative view of medication and counselling growing up. That you’re considering it shows how much you just really need support, and I’m sorry that he doesn’t see how it’s going to be helpful for you.

I’m also reading your recent interactions with your husband, and hearing it, I do feel sad. You’ve helped him by connecting him with your company, yet when you raised concerns about certain work boundaries, it sounds like he has made some invalidating and hurtful remarks. I just want to affirm that your feelings in this situation are so valid, and you deserve the care you need to get through this situation.

I’m glad you’re at the GP to first get some initial support, but I really encourage you to arrange for some emotional support as well. I know it might be daunting and you may have had a negative view of counselling before, but I’m wondering if you might give it a chance? It sounds like a lot going on right now, between your husband, the recent resignation, and the emergence of some depressive symptoms as well – it might be helpful to have someone supporting you during this time. It is cliche, but you’re not alone.

Rooting for you

4

Dear @bubs,

I want you to know… the weight of your husband’s views and your own doubts are pressing down on you. The chain of events… stopping meds, trying to stabilise, then being told it’s “all in your head,” the work dinner blow-up, the ultimatum, resigning… each and everyone of these are pulling your self-esteem lower and pushing you into old coping patterns.

You are undoubtedly caring, nurturing and sensitive… looking at what you have done.. you are giving in alot here … bringing your husband into the company to ease his stress, keeping professional distance, even absorbing the hurt when he dismissed your boundaries. and when the pressure grew, that you became the victim of blame. It made sense right now that you are hurting and sad.

Your doctor’s suggestion to wean off meds was one step, but you’re right…emotions don’t switch on and off like a test. What you notice in your body and mind is real. Wanting to see your doctor again isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom.

You asked, “what do i do now?” maybe the first focus isn’t the resignation or even the marriage conflict yet, but this: your stability and safety. You’ve held off self-harm for two years, which shows real strength. Right now the pain is acute, so let the GP guide you, and consider reconnecting with a counsellor to help unpack the mix of placating, blame, and boundary struggles that are weighing on you.

One gentle reminder: thoughts (“i’m crazy”), feelings (panic, despair), and behaviours (resigning under pressure) are connected. When it spikes, the rest follow. Slowing this cycle with medical support, or even grounding exercises with a counsellor, can keep you safer.

If at any point it feels unbearable, please reach out - SOS 1767, National Care Hotline 1771

For now, hold this truth: none of this was your fault. Choosing your health and clarity was the most authentic thing to do. You are resourceful, you’ve already shown it by seeking medical help today. Maybe the next step is just staying close to that resourcefulness, letting the GP and a counsellor help you track and stabilise your emotions, until the ground feels steady again.

It makes sense you’re still unsure of what to focus on. Maybe for now, your first focus is your own safety and health. Later, if it feels right, you might consider sharing a little about what you are experiencing with your manager… since you’ve described her as someone you trust and value. That way, you don’t have to hold this all alone at work… we just hold that uncertainty, safely, and not force a decision before you’re ready.