Hi everyone, I feel I am kind by nature. Sometimes being too kind to the extend that even if it had brought inconveniences to myself, I would still say yes without hesitation and regretted after it.
I tried saying no but I start to have constant guilt on myself and thinking why should I do this or that . And another funny thing is I also feel quite guilty or what happen last week - where my boss took the chair for extra few people who have no chairs during a meeting , everyone was nicely seated , no one offer help, neither do i. And I feel guilty about it, it’s a small matter but I feel it’s all the small matter that is holding up and building up the emotions in me, or shoud I say expectations on myself? I also tend to have high expectations on myself to do a lot of things in organised manner, ideal manner or whatever , but i have hard time bringing myself to start doing it , keep procrastinating and living my life in autopilot mode. I feel I am depressed when I see my progress, for example learning skills . I could not bring myself to start, and it’s very difficult for some reasons I don’t know why . Is there anyway to help?
Hey @wholeheartedoak4489 ,
It sounds like helping others has become a very automatic response for you. At the same time, the guilt you described appears quite easily, even in small situations like the chair during the meeting. When these small moments accumulate, it can start to feel like you are constantly checking whether you have done enough for others.
Sometimes this pattern develops into a placating stance with people. Being helpful and agreeable becomes the safest way to relate to others. Over time though, a person’s sense of self-worth can become tied mainly to what they do for others rather than what they need themselves.
You also mentioned having high expectations of doing things in an organised or ideal way. When expectations feel very high, the mind can start assuming the outcome will not meet the standard. When that happens, motivation often drops and procrastination appears, not because of laziness but because starting already feels like falling short.
It may help to reflect a little on what these expectations mean to you. When you say you want things done in an ideal or organised way, what does “ideal” look like in your mind? And when you look at your progress and start feeling depressed, what does that progress represent to you?
If the guilt and low motivation continue to weigh on you, speaking with a counsellor may help unpack these patterns. Have you tried reaching out to National Mindline at 1771 or look at support options through mindline.sg if you prefer to talk with someone confidentially.
hii, thanks for sharing! it sounds really tiring to care so much, but also feel like you can never do enough, so even small things make u blame yourself
the guilt after saying no is really common when you’re used to being the helpful one. it does not mean you did something wrong though, just maybe you’re not used to setting boundaries, but it should get better with practice!
about the chair thing, it makes sense you feel bad, but it also sounds like you’re holding yourself to a standard that no one else is held to. you were in the same room as many people, and its fine to just let yourself be same as the others 
a few tips:
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try indirectly rejecting people first, like “i cannot this time” or “i need to check my schedule”, so it feels more valid
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set small goals! for example, if u want to watch a 1h long youtube video about the skill you’re learning, you could start with just five minutes per day instead of telling yourself you need to sit down and finish the entire vid