So I’ve been thinking about if I should cut my parents off mostly my mom. So I’m 20 now and when I was younger I use to get whoopings with the belt. I don’t like that she did that to me, which makes me want to cut her off. Im planning on moving in November of this year. That’s when I’m going to block her once I get to the place I need to be. Im not 100% sure if I should I do this because she’s also done good things for me too. I’ve talked to some people online about it and this one lady that’s a psychology student told me about ACE, Abnormal childhood experiences. Something im just worried about is regretting cutting my mom off. I do want to cut my dad off too but mostly my mom. If I decided to cut someone off it will be my mom first. I’ll block her and delete her number from my phone. How does this sound? I keep going around looking for advice because I’m scared of doing it.
Hey @user6114,
It feels like relief and dread sitting in the same breath, whoopings with the belt is what you called it, that mattered and it still does. Reading you, I felt the back-and-forth: memories of good things… and then the trauma that makes your body brace. You’re 20 now, it makes sense your chest tightens even as you seek freedom.
You said you’re not 100% sure, you’re scared of regretting it and you keep asking around. Pause here, breathe and we can hold the “not sure” without “rushing to the ending”.
I want to be clear with you.
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Getting hit with a belt is physical abuse. It’s okay to claim safety. You have the right to be physically, emotionally, and mentally safe.
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ACE means Adverse Childhood Experiences - things like physical punishment/abuse that can affect the body and mind over time. Noticing this isn’t overreacting; it’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
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If you’re in singapore and there’s any current risk at home, call 999 or reach mindline 1771 to be routed to protection/support. If you’re elsewhere, use your local police/protection services. Your safety comes first, before decisions about contact.
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If you’re still in school, a school counsellor can help with safety planning. If not, think about one trusted older relative/adult you could lean on during the move.
Right now, are you safe at home tonight? if not, please use the numbers below. If you’re in singapore and need to talk it through while you’re deciding:
- mindline 1771 (National Care Hotline) — 24/7.
- SOS 1-767 — if you feel overwhelmed, panicky, or near harm.
text via WhatsApp: Share on WhatsApp
(if you’re not in singapore, use your local crisis/protection lines.)
Now, about your thoughts: “i should cut her off.” You are going through feelings of fear, anger, guilt and grief. Sometimes the behaviour (hard cut-off) tries to solve the feelings fast. Another way is to stage boundaries so your body can catch up. I’m going to list some concrete steps, not as orders, just options you can keep for later. You don’t have to choose disconnection to claim distance, distance can look like:
- Moving out first, then minimise contact with the person who hurt you.
- Share about your past harm only in spaces that feel safe, ideally with a counsellor or therapist.
- Short calls to anyone and you end the call if it turns unsafe.
- A written boundary note you prepare only if you want, naming what you will/won’t engage in, kept simple, no debate.
It’s normal to think about the good she did and the hurt that crossed a line. We can hold the right to be safe now, and not have to decide about disconnection until your breathing steadies in the new place.
Thank you for responding to me. My dad was the one who spanked me and my mom whooped me with a belt. I sent my dad this afternoon these messages. “Why did you spank me as a kid?” “You know that’s abuse right” “And you allowed mom to whoop us with a belt. That’s physical abuse.” “So when you get old and need someone to come around and take care of you, you’ll know why I won’t be there.” “All of those times you asked me if I loved you the answer is no. How can I love you when you abused me. So don’t ever ask me ever again if I love you the answer is NO. I never felt like I loved you nor mom.” Im moving out in November with a family member that’s when I’m going to block them. I wish I would’ve spoke up as a kid about how my parents whooped & spanked me. But my parents were also raised that way. They were spanked and whooped.
So I came back to read what your response to me again and I wanna say thank you for reading and responding to my post. Also, what do you mean by “It’s okay to claim safety” and “We can hold the right to be safe now”.
hey @user6114 ,
Checking in to hear how have you been coping since you sent the last message? Do you feel that you are in a safe space now as you read and respond to these posts?
The messages are for you to know and hopefully lend you the courage to call out abuse. To feel loved, taken care of and belonging should not be complicated. Specifically when we are young and vulnerable.
To be mentally, physically and emotionally safe is a claim that you would rightfully hold and the law advocates that as well regardless of the age you are.
So you can seek help and support from various resources and authorities to enable protection for yourself.
Hope that this helps. it’s good to hear from you.
Yes I’m in a safe space. I’m coping fine I haven’t been crying or I just think about what my parents did to me. My parents haven’t whooped me in years, but they’ve still did it. I responded 2 days ago but I don’t think you seen it. I was in a safe place then too. Good to hear from you too.
hey @user6114,
Reading that you actually sent those messages to your dad, that took a lot of strength. The words carry not just anger, but also the pain of a child who never got to say stop when it was happening. And you had the empathy to understand what your parents went through as well, that is also another thing that many would struggle to recognise but you did it.
Just checking in, since sending those texts, have you had a chance to talk with someone safe about it? A counsellor, a trusted friend, or even that family member you’ll be moving in with? Sometimes after confronting parents, the emotions hit in waves, anger, relief, grief, guilt, all mixed. It’s important to get help holding those feelings.
Just wated you to know that legally, physical abuse of a child is a crime, and the law can recognise that even years later. In practice, you could speak with the authorities to ask about options. But before doing that, it’s important to be emotionally ready for the process, it can be long, and sometimes re-traumatising, so guided assistance from a mental health practitioner would be best.
Some survivors choose legal action to protect others or to name the truth publicly; others focus on reclaiming peace and distance. both are valid. What matters most is that you do not need to wait until your life is in danger and that you keep building spaces that help you recover, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Nontheless, it’s good to hear that you are safe. 
(post deleted by author)
You’re one of the people I talked to about sending those text messages. I messaged my other online friend the one who told me about ACE, but she hasn’t responded yet. Im not going to speak to authorities about it. So I know you told me that getting hit with a belt is abuse which is what my mom did, but what about my dad? He spanked me hard on my bottom. Is that physical abuse too?
I also just noticed this website is based in Singapore, it says “let’s talk is a youth-led, peer support space for students and young adults in Singapore.” This might be a dumb question but is it ok if I post questions on here even though I’m not in Singapore? Im in the USA.
Hey @user6114,
I remembered when I was young, I was caned by my parents constantly. In many ways, I thought about it and reflected what was I caned for; breaking house rules, talking back, taking things without permission, hitting others etc etc. the list goes on if you know what I mean.
These happened when I was young and I was careless on what how I thought. So I kinda knew what I was in for and I accepted the consequences eventually. So if spanking was related to how I had behaved, I wouldn’t call it abuse, but this is me calling it out and not what others see.
So the real question is “How Do I Recognise Abuse?”
- How It Feels (The Inner World of the Abused)
When someone is being abused, their emotional world often becomes confused and constricted. Common feelings include:
- Fear and anxiety: A constant sense of walking on eggshells. They second-guess what might “trigger” the other person’s anger or withdrawal.
- Shame and self-blame: They internalize the abuse, thinking, “Maybe it’s my fault,” or “I’m too sensitive.”
- Guilt for feeling angry or wanting to leave: Especially when the abuser is a loved one or caregiver.
- Numbness or detachment: As a survival mechanism, the mind may disconnect to minimize pain.
- Loss of identity: Over time, they stop trusting their own judgment or feelings. Their self-esteem becomes dependent on the abuser’s approval.
Abuse doesn’t always feel like constant violence, it often feels like a slow erosion of the self; an example would be self-worth or self-esteem .
- How to Recognize and Name It (When You’re the One Experiencing It)
Abuse can be recognized not just by what happens, but by its impact on your emotional, mental, and physical state. Here are some reflective questions hopefully help you name it, having said, it can also depends on culture and there are nuanced differences between cultures around the world:
- Do you often feel afraid of someone’s reactions?
- Do you feel like you can’t express opinions or make choices without being punished, shamed, or ignored?
- Do you find yourself apologising constantly—even when you didn’t do anything wrong?
- Do you change how you behave to avoid conflict or “keep the peace”?
- Do you feel drained, small, or invisible after interactions?
- Do you rationalise the other person’s behaviour more than you hold them accountable?
If most answers are “yes,” you may be living in a cycle of coercive control, a key marker of emotional and psychological abuse.
- What’s Observable to Others (External Indicators)
To an outsider, abuse might look like:
- Behavioural withdrawal: The person becomes quieter, less expressive, avoids eye contact, or constantly seeks permission before speaking.
- Sudden personality shifts: From confident to timid; from joyful to anxious or overly cautious.
- Isolation: They stop spending time with friends or family, often because the abuser discourages or forbids it.
- Physical signs: Unexplained injuries, changes in dressing habits (e.g., covering up bruises).
- Over-justifying the abuser: “They didn’t mean it,” “I made them angry,” “They’re just under stress.”
- Hyper-vigilance: Startled reactions, excessive checking, or apologizing pre-emptively.
Abuse often silences through control, dependency, and confusion—not only fear.
- Why It’s Hard to Call It “Abuse”
Most survivors hesitate to name it because:
- It happens within love or dependence (a partner, parent, boss, teacher).
- There’s intermittent kindness, moments of warmth that create confusion (“maybe they do love me”).
- Cultural or familial messages normalize sacrifice, obedience, or “tough love.”
- Fear of not being believed or of social shame.
Naming it “abuse” is not about blame, it’s about reclaiming reality. Once it’s named, help and healing become possible.
So as you can see, there’s alot to digest here and it can be grey, and not forgetting that these may differ from how the law identifies for reasons that the law needs to make law enforcement possible to protect people from harm. The law also takes into consideration on age ; another major factor. Hope that this helps.
Hey @user6114 , what you asked is not dumb at all. Just wanted to highlight that having accessibility to help resources like centres and social support assistance within this forum is limited to singapore as a geo-location.
Quick question if I may ask, how did you find out about our forum?
I forgot how I found this forum. I found it by most likely typing something about mental health on google or safari. Are all professionals on here in Singapore? Are all professionals like mental health specialists?
I would like to think that most professionals will eventually find their way to this forum, though not all are here yet. The title you see tagged under our names helps identify us as practicing members of the mental health profession. Our roles, however, differ, some are medical in nature, while others come from non-medical or psychosocial fields.
I’m sorry that you went through that as a child, when what you needed most was love, understanding, and patience. It sounds like those experiences still weigh heavily on you and bring up a lot of mixed feelings now. What you experienced sounds painful, and it’s understandable that you’re trying to make sense of it as an adult.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying this for a long time. Your recent decision to express those feelings to your parents must have taken a lot of courage and emotion. When we’ve been hurt, it’s natural for anger to surface, especially when we finally find the words to name what happened. Whatever you’re feeling after sending those messages is okay; it’s part of processing what you went through.
You asked if what your dad did was abuse. What you described, being spanked hard enough to cause pain and fear, or being hit with a belt, would be considered physical abuse today. Many parents used these methods because that’s how they were raised, but that doesn’t make it right or harmless. Acknowledging that it was abuse doesn’t mean you have to take legal action or confront them again (unless you want to); it simply means you’re allowing yourself to see the truth of what happened and how it affected you.
It’s completely okay to want to protect yourself now and to create distance from people who have hurt you, even if they’re family. Setting boundaries, taking space, or choosing not to engage are all ways of caring for your emotional safety and well-being.
Your plan to move in November sounds like a thoughtful step toward healing and growth. Creating some distance can bring a sense of calm and safety, and from there you can decide what kind of contact feels okay for you, if any. You can try experimenting with small boundaries, such as limiting communication for a while or deciding what types of contact you will respond to. These steps can help things feel more manageable and give you space to focus on your own well-being.
Above all, remember that your safety and peace of mind come first. Feeling gratitude for the good moments doesn’t erase the hurt, and recognising the hurt doesn’t mean you have to stay angry forever. Healing isn’t about punishment or forced forgiveness, it’s about reclaiming your sense of safety, choice, and self-worth. Take your time; you’re allowed to heal at your own pace and decide what feels right for you.
Take care
It sounds like you really care about your friend and are trying to understand what she’s been through, maybe something similar to what the OP described.
From what you’ve shared, it seems your friend went through some really painful and stressful experiences growing up, especially if she was caned and felt scared to show her parents her results. That kind of environment can make a child feel anxious or overly cautious later in life.
The habits you mentioned, apologising often and avoiding eye contact, can sometimes be signs that someone is still feeling a lot of fear or self-blame, but they don’t automatically mean trauma. They can also come from long periods of stress, shame, or wanting to avoid conflict. If your friend wants to explore this further, she might consider talking to a professional who has the expertise and strategies to help with this. Or, if she’s comfortable, she could open up more with you, as it might feel relieving just to share and be heard.
The good thing is that these patterns can change with time, safety, the right strategies, and supportive people around her. If she ever wanted to, learning to maintain eye contact could happen gradually, by practising in moments when she feels safe and not judged.
I asked my dad if he remembers if my mom whooped me when I was younger he said “I ain’t answering nothing”. Why won’t he answer? (I know my mom whooped me) I also asked him if he remembers spanking me when I was younger he didn’t answer that either.
Hi @user6114,
Good to hear from you. From what you have mentioned, it sounds like when you needed some kind of truth from him, a wall comes up. It’s painful because you weren’t asking to start a fight; you were asking to be seen.
When people refuse to answer questions about past harm, it’s often not because they forgot, it’s because answering would force them to face the shame of what they did. For some, silence feels safer than admitting guilt. But that silence can still cut deeply, especially when you’ve finally found the courage to ask.
You did the right thing by naming what happened. That was for you, not for their approval. What’s important now is your healing, not their denial.
Have you had the chance to talk with someone? Maybe a counsellor or trauma support line? About how it felt after he shut down? These moments can reopen old hurt fast, and it helps to have someone hold space with you. For now, maybe we just sit with this truth: you remembered, you spoke, and that was brave. I hope that you can find support from the community mental health or school mental health workers. Please take good care of yourself.