Family Trauma

[user001133]

Today I decided to be confrontational. I usually try to avoid anything with my sister. But cause we were planning a trip to Japan and deciding on whether we should go USJ nintendo. My mum asked us to decide what we want but i was not interested so i upfront said it. Which I (25) assume my sister (17) would tell my mum if she wants it. Then she had a flare up where she cried and complain saying I hurt her cause I said I was not interested. (She was talking loudly behind my back to her friend on call) so I just wanted to confront her and tell her to just say it in my face. Then she had to just bring up the past where I didn’t care for her so why should she bother to tell me anything. Then I said sorry if I hurt her feelings but she won’t even talk to me normally? But I honestly dk how to talk to her. For some reason, I just feel very uncomfortable and I rather stay in my own bubble. Need some advice why I feel that why and what I should do.

FYI I don’t know when I started drifted from my sister but we are not close. She is a very sensitive person and it could be my fault for not knowing how to help and making things worse.

side track. My mum was upset about our “argument” which I didn’t think it was an argument? Just cause she was alr crying? And talking loudly? Then she went on to talk and say how we are like strangers and don’t talk to each other and ranted about other stuff. All these are very normal. At the point, where I rather avoid talking to her sometimes. I knew that my mum don’t really care about us. I’m grateful for all the things she done eg. Paying our school fees etc but I can’t connect with her on an emotional level. i honestly am so tired I really do want to just live by myself sometimes.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @user001133,

Thanks for sharing. Reading what you wrote didn’t come across as indifference. It came across more like you learnt, over time, that staying quiet is the safest way to stop things from getting messier.

What stands out is how quickly this situation became heavy. You stated a preference about the theme park. Your sister seems to have heard something deeper, possibly “you don’t care,” and she brought that hurt to her friend instead of to you. From her side, that can be a way of protecting herself when it doesn’t feel safe to speak directly. From your side, overhearing it understandably pulls you into guilt and confusion, even though hurting her wasn’t your intention. Both of these can exist at the same time.

It also sounds like you made meaning of the whole situation very fast. Not just “this was uncomfortable,” but thoughts like “maybe I’m cold,” “maybe I don’t know how to care,” or “maybe it’s my fault.” That meaning doesn’t seem to sit well with what you value about yourself. At 25 and 17, you’re likely holding very different values, emotional needs, and expectations about communication. That gap alone can create friction without anyone actually doing something wrong.

I want to slow this down a little and gently point out a pattern. When the thought is “I don’t know how to talk to her,” the feeling that follows sounds like discomfort and fatigue. The behaviour that comes next is withdrawal, staying in your own bubble. That withdrawal protects you in the moment. Over time, though, it can also increase guilt and distance. This doesn’t read as a flaw. It reads like a learned way of coping in a family where emotions tend to escalate rather than settle.

You also mentioned your mum, and how expectations, comparisons, and emotional distance have worn you down. There’s a quiet logic that can form in situations like this: if warmth wasn’t really available to me, how am I supposed to give it to someone else? That isn’t selfishness. It’s exhaustion inside a system where care feels more like a duty than something safe.

Rather than pushing yourself to fix the relationship or be closer than you can manage right now, it might help to reflect on one thing, gently. When did emotional closeness in your family start to feel unsafe or too costly for you? Not why, just when. Often that moment explains a lot about why avoidance became the safer option.

For now, relating through boundaries may be more honest than forcing intimacy. Being clear doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be as simple as naming what you actually think and feel, for example about the theme park, without justifying it or judging hers, and without taking responsibility for managing everyone’s emotions. Accountability here isn’t only yours. It sits with your sister, your mum, and the wider family pattern that makes calm, direct conversations hard.

It makes sense that you’re tired and wanting space. Nothing about what you shared sounds like you don’t care. It sounds like you’ve been carrying more emotional weight than you realised, and your system is asking for clarity and some breathing room.

You don’t have to decide what kind of sister or daughter to be all at once. It’s okay to slow this down.

[user001133]

Thanks FuYuan! This really touches my heart. Everything you said expresses so well with how i feel. Its just hard when my mum says its not normal for siblings to treat each other like “strangers” and compares us with other siblings that has good relationship. also, since im the eldest, I have to make the initiative.

Thanks for your help!