Fear of Sex at late 20s

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1

I’m 28 years old this year and I’m afraid of having sex.

I’m being vulnerable so the following content might be quite descriptive about sex, please read at your own discretion:

For context, I am very sensitive whenever someone touches me so I get ticklish very easily. But only certain spots e.g neck, waist. I think I didn’t get a proper sex education when I was young and I wasn’t curious enough to watch ■■■■ to learn. Hence, I only know about sex stuff like few years ago through my own research and asking around. Nothing racist, but sharing that I’m an Asian, might not apply to all Asians, but generally we don’t talk about sex so broadly on the table, it’s always more like a self-discovery. I have never ■■■■■■■■■■ before in my entire life. I’m also not adventurous and very conservative, so I don’t always try new things. With all these, I find it REALLY REALLY HARD to open up for sex.

I have a 2-year boyfriend and both of us are each other’s first love and also virgins. But we never had ■■■■■■■■■■■ and I would only help him to eject through some basic foreplay. I was simply too afraid to do anything that involves “penetrating” (even fingers). Literally anything that goes through that hole, even tempon. Sometimes when he is doing the foreplay on me, like touching / kissing certain parts, I find my whole body being VERY tensed up to the point that my lower sensitive part will feel slight pain?(Even without anyone touching) - I was holding very very tight, maybe because I felt ticklish so I couldn’t really “relax”, and maybe that’s why I find it less enjoyable. To be honest, I do feel arouse, but oftentimes, the ticklish will surpass the pleasure and makes me wanting to stop. My bf respected me and never push forward, but I felt bad, sometimes even cried and apologised because I felt that I can’t give what he wanted.
Note: My bf is someone that likes to “try” new stuff, whether it comes to food, an experience, much adventurous than me, but he respects me and waiting for me to “open up”. Partly also because he hasn’t done it before, so to him, it’s more of a wanting to try mindset but not because he finds it addictive, at least for now.

I do want a future with him and also a kid with him so I know I need to overcome this, but how?

I’ve spoken to many people, all they say is “try ■■■■■■■■■■■■” “try using toys/tempon” “try to find the fun of it” “try to find the arousing spot and keep doing it until u get the sex drive”, “learn about your body” but I don’t have the curiousity or the drive to even try. I feel that I can live without a sex life(?) I wouldn’t say I have a fear of intimacy coz I do enjoy kisses and cuddles, and also do feel arouse, just not enough to go further?

In general, I felt that I’m afraid of anything that is new / unknown to me, for example: Fear of death, fear of pain, or even fear of conceiving and giving birth. And fear of sex is also one of them.

I actually ever thought of seeking a professional therapy but the consultation is usually costly which I couldn’t afford having multiple sessions. Plus I don’t think 1/2 sessions can solve the problem either, esp u also need time to build a rapport with ur therapist.

I clearly understand the importance of having sex in a relationship, importance to learn about your body, but I just can’t. They say only do sex when you are ready or else u won’t enjoy it either. But I might never be ready…

I’m lost, I don’t really know what to do😢

2

Hi @jtwx

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It takes immense courage to be vulnerable, and I appreciate your openness♥️.

Firstly, please know that your feelings and concerns are valid. It’s important to acknowledge that your fears and anxieties are real, and it’s okay to take your time.

It’s wonderful that you have a supportive partner who respects your boundaries. That’s crucial in any relationship.

Considering your fears and anxieties, it might be helpful to explore the following options:

  1. Therapy: While it may seem costly, therapy can be incredibly beneficial in addressing your fears and anxieties. You might want to look into affordable therapy options, such as online therapy platforms.

  2. Sex education and resources: There are many online resources, books, and workshops that can provide you with accurate and helpful information about sex, intimacy, and relationships. This might help you feel more comfortable and informed.

  3. Communication with your partner: Continue to have open and honest conversations with your partner about your feelings, fears, and desires. This will help you both understand each other’s needs and boundaries.

  4. Take small steps: You don’t have to tackle everything at once. Start with small, comfortable steps, like exploring your own body, learning about intimacy, or engaging in low-stakes physical affection.

  5. Prioritise self-care and self-compassion: Remember that your well-being and happiness are essential. Practice self-care, engage in activities that bring you joy, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.

Remember, there’s no rush or pressure to overcome your fears and anxieties. You’re already taking a significant step by acknowledging and sharing your concerns.

Keep in mind that it’s okay to say “no” or “not yet” to any physical or intimate activities that make you uncomfortable. Your boundaries and consent are essential.

You’re not alone in this journey. There are many resources, support groups, and understanding individuals who can help you navigate your fears and anxieties.

Keep being brave, and remember that you deserve love, care, and compassion – from yourself and others.:heart:

3

Hey, intimate relationships work 2 ways, you need to enjoy it as much as you want to give it. Don’t be overly stress about these things.
Separately, there is also Vaginismus to rule out. But it does sound like you are a rather anxious person. I think therapy can help u explore your fears and hopefully when the skeletons are out of the closet, you can feel more relax and confident.
Perhaps start from a visit to the gynae?
xoxo

4

@jtwx Wow it takes to open up and share something so deeply personal about your life. That vulnerability is a strength, and recognising what’s on your mind is a huge step forward. It’s clear that you’ve given this a lot of thought, and I can see how your fears and concerns about the unknown are weighing on you. Those feelings are completely valid, and you’re not alone in experiencing them.

There’s no timeline or rulebook for these things. It’s important to honour your own pace and focus on what feels right for you, rather than treating this as a problem to solve. There’s no need to stress yourself out by making progress feel like a mission to accomplish. Take it step by step, and let yourself simply be present in the moment.

Your boyfriend sounds like a caring and patient partner who respects your boundaries, which is a wonderful support system to have. Keep the communication open and honest, and let him know how much his understanding means to you. This journey is something you’re navigating together, and it’s okay to take your time.

It seems like a lot of your apprehension ties back to a fear of unfamiliar experiences, which is totally valid and human. Perhaps focusing on smaller, non-intimidating steps in other areas of life could help you build confidence in facing new things. Celebrate every small step forward, no matter how minor it might seem—it all adds up.

Lastly, be kind to yourself! You’re navigating a lot right now, and it’s not about achieving perfection but rather finding what feels good and manageable for you and your boyfriend. You’ve already shown so much strength in recognising and sharing your feelings. That’s a big win in itself. Take it one day at a time—you’re doing better than you might realise. :blush: