sexuality as a teen

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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hello. i’m not really struggling (like actually struggling) with anything that serious but i’ve had many worries in my mind and they’re like elephants in a room that i refuse to address and all ive been doing is sort of, watching the elephants do their thing. kinda like the elephants are id and they never truly happen cus of ego if you frame it with freud’s id ego superego

as you can tell im like an uncontrollable yapper once i start, so there might be a lot of abstract stuff, analogies, irrelevant bs kinda like how ive only been beating around the bush this entire post until now, but i gotta give a brief overview abt how im feeling abt the issue yk

so im gonna throw it out there. im a male who’s into the same gender but im lowk bi so i dont fit into the stereotypical 100% gay personality. im sorry if that was abt insensitive idk but my problem isnt that i feel alienated by the queer community cus it’s a very inclusive community, my main worry is the people outside the community, some of which are still prejudiced cus it’s sg ykwim. Im not doubting my identity and sexuality, im just worried im not gonna be accepted like im the only son in the family and my mom doesnt want me to like boys, she’s been very clear abt that from the start and im still a teenager so there’s a whole future ahead of me left for me to define and no one knows abt the future anyway, ive got time. but no amount of time is gonna help if i keep wasting it trying to avoid the conversation, no one in my family knows abt it and i dont feel comfortable letting them know cus IT’S SG I CAN’T DO THAT

And since this is a whole vent so i might as well kill all birds with one stone in this post, idk if ive written too much, sorry

as ive said before, im a male teen who likes other male teens. But id like to also share that im in a BOYS SCHOOL. So basically a little context, in present day boys schools, you can mostly categorise everyone into more or less two groups in a venn diagram– the zesty, passionate ones and the ones that are lowk stuck in their societal norms mindset (ie they got stigma) and now there’s sort of a third one where the person’s just sort of really chronically online cus breaking news: social media is ruining our generation. as a person in the 1st category surrounded by people in the 2nd category, it’s made me felt stigmatised before although im not open lah. and id often find myself sort of always crushing on people in the 2nd or 3rd category which is insane. and the 3rd category is the most confusing cus it’s where all your feelings distort your gaydar and youre just left hoping hes into boys too. (Such is life) That’s another issue

3rd issue: ive been very lustful these past few years (in a boys school) AND ik it’s normal cus im a teenager going through puberty but im sometimes worried if im like too freaky my id(freud) takes over and i’d be a danger to my classmates and idw to traumatise or assault them cus that’s just plain wrong and illegal too. ive also been lowk struggling with my addiction to mstrbtn and adult videos in general and it’s almost as if it’s a habit or part of my daily routine now and i feel guilty. And i think that’s the main thing making me super freaky yk. i wanna stop it but i cant im currently 3 or 4 days clean but im quite sure id relapse again

4th issue (woah that’s a lot): is it normal to have like more than 5 crushes at once? cus i have a feeling it’s my loneliness craving all this love(can we even call it that?) And im too delusional abt them. It’s been like 3 years and if i put all the people ive crushed on down on a list, it’d be like a list of 30-50 people :fearful: and i recall that i sometimes shame myself for being this desperate. I gotta know if it’s smth i can solve cus id be too busy next year to be dealing with ts

Yea ok last paragraph, sorry for typing too much, it’s just me in that flow state and pouring everything out. I just needed to let it out thanks mindline <3

1 Like
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hi there, thank you for sharing, I understand that it can be a lot to take in. I think it is a part and parcel of a typical school experience to have crushes, but perhaps you can take a while to reflect if they gravitate more towards admiring them or romantic. And if it is the latter, perhaps you can also ask yourself if you are ready, if not perhaps you can perhaps dive in to your hobbies instead :slight_smile:

and about the acceptance part, I understand that it might be difficult to have a conversation with your family on your sexuality, but I believe that while this may be difficult, it is rather important.

I hope this helps! :heart_hands:

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Hey, I’m really glad you shared this. None of what you wrote is weird or wrong, it honestly sounds like a lot of thoughts that many people your age have, just not everyone is brave enough to say them out loud.

Not being ready to come out, especially in SG and with family expectations, is completely okay. That’s not avoidance, you’re just protecting yourself. You’re allowed to take your time.

Crushing on people, feeling lustful, struggling with ■■■■, feeling lonely; all of that is very normal for a teenager, especially in a boys’ school. The fact that you worry about boundaries already shows that you have put great thoughts into this!

You’re not broken, not dangerous, and not alone. You’re figuring things out in a tough environment, and that takes time. Be a bit kinder to yourself, know that you’re doing the best you can right now. :slight_smile:

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Hi friend (if don’t mind my calling u that). I can identify with same sex attractions cos I experience that myself. I also experience depression that can sometimes lead to suicidal ideation. Indeed it’s dark and dreary when I go through my suffering. I experienced ssa(same sex attractions) since about 10 years old and I’m 53 now. Whoa! I tried to live it out through sinful engagements with people but yet still experienced the emptiness of it. Also I had asked God to take away attractions but He hasn’t wholesale taken it away. Going through suicidal ideation can be horrible especially when it first arose. I just feel so empty and dark. I also just share all these cos I think u can identify with the pangs of it . Hope it doesn’t cause u to be afraid! Just want to let u know that I can identify much of ur sense of freakish. I have turned away from all my sinful acting out with men though I still struggle with pornography at times. I also have my faith in Christianity, in a God who loves me and sent His Son to die on cross for my sins. Although He has not chosen to remove all my ssa. I pray for u that u can find out more about this saving God through Jesus Christ. He can identify with our fears and pains or sorrows and angst cos He experienced all this through His death on cross and forgive us our sins. Hope u won’t feel offended in my sharing of faith with u.

Warm regards,

JT

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Hey @user5992 ,

“I’m not really struggling… but I’ve had many worries in my mind.”

Reading that, it already tells me something important. You’re downplaying it with your words, but your mind is clearly crowded. Those “elephants in the room” didn’t come out of nowhere, they’re there because something in you knows they matter, even if another part of you is trying hard not to give them the spotlight.

I notice how much you explain, theorise, joke, reference Freud, categorise people. It feels like your brain is doing a lot of work to stay in control, maybe because slowing down emotionally feels risky. That’s not a flaw, it’s a very common way people protect themselves when they’re worried about judgement or rejection.

When you talk about sexuality and family, especially being the only son, there’s a quieter theme underneath: “What happens if I’m not accepted?”
That fear makes sense in Singapore, and it makes sense that avoidance feels safer for now. Not coming out doesn’t mean you’re dishonest or cowardly, it means you’re trying to survive emotionally in an environment that doesn’t yet feel safe. Timing is part of self-protection, not avoidance.

On the sexual urges and ■■■■ use, puberty brings strong stimulation, curiosity, and habit-forming patterns. Urges themselves are not dangerous, and having sexual thoughts does not mean you’ll act on them or harm anyone. The fear you describe (“what if my id takes over?”) actually shows strong values and boundaries. That fear is about control, not intent.

What is worth paying attention to is how stimulation becomes a way to regulate loneliness, stress, or boredom. When ■■■■ or ■■■■■■■■■■■■ turns into a daily routine, it can blunt emotions rather than help you understand them. That’s where checking in with support makes a difference. In Singapore, self-initiated check-ins with places like NAMS are about early support, not punishment and early awareness matters, especially given how strict the law is around substances. Reducing compulsive habits helps therapy and self-work actually land.

About the many crushes, yes, that often points less to “love” and more to loneliness and unmet connection needs. When emotional closeness isn’t available safely, the mind spreads longing across many people. Then shame comes in, which only deepens the cycle. This isn’t something to fix by forcing yourself to “stop,” but by understanding what those crushes are standing in for.

If there’s one thing I want to gently underline: you’re not as confused or out of control as you fear. You’re thoughtful, self-aware, and already asking the right questions. What might help next isn’t another explanation, but having a safe space, a counsellor, therapist, or trusted adult, where you don’t have to perform, justify, or be funny to be taken seriously.

You don’t have to resolve your identity, your family conversations, your urges, and your future all at once. For now, it’s enough to acknowledge: something in me needs care, not control.

We can go slowly from here.