feeling used and discarded (18+)

Ask a Therapist Coping
1

hey therapists and chat. i’m early 20s, female.

to start with, i’m autistic. i’ve come to realise that this has had a huge impact on all my relationships: i don’t make friends easily, and the ones i have i cling to hard. i tend to get to know people, including dates, without a clear end goal in mind (like a romantic relationship/ marriage/ friendship/ friend with benefits) so it can “develop naturally”. i have no qualms at all about sex on a first date, because sexual compatibility is basically a deciding factor in a relationship to me.

as always, i’ve caught a lot of flack for this. i’ve heard a lot about being considered “not girlfriend material”, “not worth it”, and other things that imply i’m only good for being used and discarded. a now ex-friend of mine would compare herself to me: she was such a good girlfriend, i was nothing more than a wh-re. thanks to the abovementioned autism i already have some issues with feeling unfeminine and monstrous: this just feeds into my insecurities.

now for the problem: i met a man about a month ago, and we’ve been getting along pretty well. i find i can talk to him about so many things and i don’t need to mask around him. i’d say we’re friends with benefits for now, but actual friends. we agree on not forming relationships with end goals. but lately he’s told me that he’s decided he wants kids, and wants to find, quote, “the mother of his children”, and that’s why he’s going to limit contact with me.

i do not want to lose what has been a good friendship: those are hard to come by. the sex has been great, too, and honestly that’s what usually wins me over. but clearly i am being used as a placeholder for a good wife and mother, and that has triggered my issues around feeling unvalued.

i would like some advice on how to cope with this, how to limit negative self-thought, and how to navigate relationships without having to mask/change who i am.

2

Hi @otherwoman,

Thank you for sharing so openly about your experiences. It’s clear that you have a deep understanding of yourself, and I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to explore these complex emotions and situations.

Being autistic, as you mentioned, has undoubtedly shaped how you navigate relationships and your sense of self, how you communicate, interact, and perceive the world around you, so the challenges and strengths can vary widely. Did you have the chance to discuss in depth about your autism with a professional and attend counselling to help you in relationships?

You’ve mentioned that sex is a significant factor in your relationships, and it seems like it serves as a way to connect with others and perhaps even as a coping mechanism. It’s not uncommon for people to use physical intimacy to manage or express emotions, especially when dealing with insecurities or feelings of being unfeminine or monstrous, as you’ve described. However, in many cultural contexts, including in parts of Asia, sex is often seen as more than just a physical act; it’s tied to deeper meanings of intimacy and commitment. This might be contributing to the conflicts you’re feeling, especially if there’s a misalignment in how you and your friend view the role of sex in your relationship.

The situation with the man you’ve been seeing highlights a significant challenge—he’s expressed a desire for something that goes beyond your current agreement, which has triggered feelings of being unvalued. This is understandable, especially when it feels like you’re being seen as a placeholder rather than a true partner.

It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings but also to consider how you can stay true to yourself in navigating this situation. Authenticity is key here. Accepting your identity, including your autism, means embracing who you are without feeling the need to mask or change for others. This can lead to a sense of psychological freedom, where you feel you belong, even if the world around you doesn’t always understand or see your full beauty.

It’s also important to remember that just because this relationship may not fulfill all your needs doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there who will appreciate and value you for who you are. You may not find that person today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. The key is your self-belief—how you view yourself and what you believe you deserve in a relationship.

As you continue to navigate these feelings, I encourage you to focus on your self-worth and authenticity. It might be helpful to explore these emotions further, possibly with a therapist who understands autism, to gain more clarity and to build coping mechanisms that support your mental and emotional well-being.

You’re on a journey of self-discovery and growth, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Trust that by staying true to yourself, you will find the connection and belonging that you deserve. Take care, and remember that your journey is valid and valuable. Let us know how you feel?

4

Thanks for sharing, at least I’m not alone in being an autistic :sweat:

5

Hi,

First off, I want to commend you for having such an awareness of yourself and sharing them. This is not easy to do for many of us. I also want you to know that the traits of your autism are ‘what makes you you’, and they are in no way ‘flaws’ of yourself.

From what I can see, there are worries about your traits, and fearing that you will not find someone for you due to your traits, as well as feeling like a ‘backup choice’.

These emotions are perfectly normal, even for us neurotypical individuals, as a natural want for us as humans is to feel wanted by others. No one wants to be known as the ‘2nd best friend’, as an example.

In my opinion, you’d have to let this guy you were seeing go. As relationships would require two hands to work. It would be unreasonable for him to ask you to change your traits to match his demands, same way it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to change his wants to match your needs.

I would not see it as you being used as ‘a placeholder’, but rather this relationship was an event that happens within the timeline that is your life. Many times, the relationships we get into is simply a ‘pitstop’, and not the end location we’re heading to within our lives, and that is perfectly fine, as the only thing constant in life is change. You were something he wanted prior, but wants can change over time and he may desire something new now, and that is perfectly fine.

Do not try to ‘mask’ or change who you are for a significant other, as eventually, it’ll just lead to your unhappiness and thus the failing of a relationship. Eventually, a person whereby you can match with perfectly will arrive in your life. Remember, we just need that one life partner in our lives (assuming you’re into monogamy), we don’t need dozens of partners within our lives!

Try to practice some self-acceptance to aid in this changing period. Mindfulness practices may aid you in limiting these negative self-thoughts. It is important to first love who we are before we can find someone who would love us.

I hope you are able to overcome this ordeal soon! Perhaps it may just be a post-breakup sadness phase, especially with the rigidity that people with autism have. This period of change is especially difficult for a person with autism like yourself. All the best, I hope you find a significant other that can act as your soulmate!