hey therapists and chat. i’m early 20s, female.
to start with, i’m autistic. i’ve come to realise that this has had a huge impact on all my relationships: i don’t make friends easily, and the ones i have i cling to hard. i tend to get to know people, including dates, without a clear end goal in mind (like a romantic relationship/ marriage/ friendship/ friend with benefits) so it can “develop naturally”. i have no qualms at all about sex on a first date, because sexual compatibility is basically a deciding factor in a relationship to me.
as always, i’ve caught a lot of flack for this. i’ve heard a lot about being considered “not girlfriend material”, “not worth it”, and other things that imply i’m only good for being used and discarded. a now ex-friend of mine would compare herself to me: she was such a good girlfriend, i was nothing more than a wh-re. thanks to the abovementioned autism i already have some issues with feeling unfeminine and monstrous: this just feeds into my insecurities.
now for the problem: i met a man about a month ago, and we’ve been getting along pretty well. i find i can talk to him about so many things and i don’t need to mask around him. i’d say we’re friends with benefits for now, but actual friends. we agree on not forming relationships with end goals. but lately he’s told me that he’s decided he wants kids, and wants to find, quote, “the mother of his children”, and that’s why he’s going to limit contact with me.
i do not want to lose what has been a good friendship: those are hard to come by. the sex has been great, too, and honestly that’s what usually wins me over. but clearly i am being used as a placeholder for a good wife and mother, and that has triggered my issues around feeling unvalued.
i would like some advice on how to cope with this, how to limit negative self-thought, and how to navigate relationships without having to mask/change who i am.