I have been with my partner for almost 1.5yrs. We have been through alot during this 1.5yrs because of the difference in how we give and receive love. Starting half yr was bad because we fight alot, until the gentle man finally snapped and tell me that I am suffocating him for wanting his attention all the time. I reflected, and indeed I do agree with him, before I got attached I used to judge girls like this, and I ended up being one of them. Because of all the fights, he has became increasingly conflict avoidant, running away from issues which actually triggering me more, which made things worse.
Fast forward 1.5yrs later (aka now), things have gotten better, I managed to give him more free time and not chasing for a reply, spacing out replies and controlling my anger. There were also times when he got triggered and I ended up being the one grounding the fight and talking to him calmly, which made both of us think that we have really came a long way. He also feel like it is possible to communicate with me nowadays and became less avoidant, raising issues once in awhile (though he always ended up running away if the discussion gets too long).
2 days ago we just had a talk, and he said that every time i ask for physical touch (like hugs or kisses), he feels very stressed by it. And by asking for it i dont mean spamming, just at least 1-2 hugs during our meetups. In the past, he used to be very tired after work and hugging and kissing just lit him up and he look obviously recharged, but when I heard him say this now, it just made my heart sank. He also said before quite some time ago that as long as he is still hugging or giving me any sort of physical touch, our relationship is fine because thats normally the first thing to go for him. So recently the decrease to almost no hugs during meetups made me feel anxious and i ended up getting unhappy and even asking for it. I know that he is very busy with his work recently because a senior was hospitalised and he had to cover for him, and the fact that he still have to cater for my feelings after work by making sure I have enough hugs just made meetups more stressful, like meeting me is no longer a peaceful event. He also said he needed time for himself also, I need to learn to be more independent and not need him all the time. This really hit me hard, because I always thought he enjoyed our meetups as much as I did.
I am abit lost now. After the talk, we went home and I just told him for today dont care about me and do what he need to recover. We didnt text all the way until bedtime, when we chatted a little, but it ended within a few mins because he was rather cold and i really felt my heartache. During the few hours, I just cant seem to get him out of my head, I tried doing my own stuff, but while my eyes, ears and hands are busy, my mind still thinks of him.
Yesterday was abit better, he is no longer cold and we could talk abit more, I decided to meet less so that he has some time to himself. But in order to give him time for himself, I really need to find something to focus on and get him out of my mind.
Sorry for the very long rant, but seeking help from anybody who have been through something similar and what did you do to give your partner space without going crazy? Also, what can I do to make him less stress from all these physical contact? Should I just not expect anything for now plus not initiate it at all and let him initiate them and have control over?
there are actually different common ways to express love, and many of us tend towards a certain type. For example, physical touch is one type. What would your partner’s love language be? And would discussing that help both of you understand each other better and see how to also express love in different ways sometimes?