Hi, I need some advice about my own actions

[colouring-ur-night]

I have been stripping myself of contact for a while.

It’s a complicated situation, and I really don’t want to get into it. It’s just that when I thought I could genuinely be honest, I found that the person I’d been harbouring inside of myself was… a displeasure, to say the least. I hurt a lot of people, and I realised I had to fix things. I know at least one of my friendships will not be the same.

I had been outspoken for a while, but now I’m less so. I cut off those I thought I was hurting. They are pissed but I feel its the best for them as the progression of our conflicts and friendship has been cyclical, and I needed to intervene. I had been isolating for a while and still am doing so… I cancelled our plans I think my friend was really looking forward to, because they’d depended on me and a few others for emotional connection and I think it’s time I realised I am not healthy for them.

I find that I interact with my teachers more and some acquaintances I’d been squishing on for a bit. I think it’s because my brain is still desparate for some social interaction. That being said, I’m tired, always, all the time. My aches are becoming more apparent, my appetite has been increasing but I have been depriving myself of food because I just find food nauseating, which is contradictory, i know.

If it helps, I’d been thinking of killing myself for a while and I realised that with each time both me and another person in that relationship get mutually hurt, my thoughts are exacerbated, I wanted to film myself sliting my wrists for a while but I’ve sinced gotten a grip on myself.I don’t know. As exhausting as this is, I feel its the best for me and anyone too close to me. I do have an inkling of doubt, no sorry, overwhelming doubt, which is why I came here anyways. However, as I write this, I’ve started to gain some clarity on my thought processes as I exercised social and some level of dopamine depravity. I’m going to post this anyways because I feel that sine I’ve written so much, it may as well be out there, and also because I just want some thoughts. To what extent am I just being an idiot? I’m not sure. But there’s definitely nuance to the nature of the impact this choice I make will have on myself and my loved ones. So once again, I would gladly appreciate some thoughts. Thank you and if you reading this, regardless if you’re replying or not, have a good life.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @colouring-ur-night,

Sorry for getting back to you this late… it sounds less like you truly want isolation and more like you are trying very hard to prevent yourself from hurting others.

I can understand why you may have started distancing yourself, especially if some of the relationship dynamics became repetitive, emotionally exhausting, or unhealthy for everyone involved. Sometimes creating space can be necessary. But I also want to gently caution against concluding that you must completely remove yourself from connection altogether.

Not all relationships are unhealthy, and not all relationships need to be handled the same way. Part of healing is learning to distinguish:

• which relationships may currently need boundaries or distance,
• which relationships are unsafe or unhelpful,
• and which relationships may still be healthy, supportive, and stabilising for you.

Right now, it seems like you are carrying a very heavy sense of responsibility for the emotional pain within these relationships. Almost to the point where the mind starts equating:

“there were unhealthy conflicts” with “I am unhealthy for people.”

Those are not exactly the same thing.

I also do not think it is a small thing that you mentioned suicidal thoughts, wanting to film yourself harming yourself, restricting food despite hunger, withdrawing socially, and feeling constantly exhausted. Even though you said you “got a grip” on yourself, these thoughts usually happen when someone has been overwhelmed for a long time without feeling emotionally safe, supported, or guided through what to do next.

What you are describing sounds less like someone who does not care, and more like someone who has been trying to manage fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and exhaustion largely on their own for quite a while.

The human body and mind are very accustomed to certainty. When relationships become unpredictable, conflicts repeat, or emotions feel unstable, the brain naturally starts searching for ways to regain control and safety. Sometimes people isolate because isolation feels more predictable than emotional hurt. The difficult part is that while isolation may temporarily reduce conflict, prolonged isolation can also deepen shame, hopelessness, and suicidal thinking.

Challenges and conflicts will occasionally happen in life and relationships. The more important long-term skill is not becoming “perfect” or never hurting anyone again, but learning how to attend to yourself safely when difficult emotions appear.

Emotional regulation usually begins with very small steps:

• noticing what you are feeling without immediately condemning yourself,
• allowing the emotion to settle before reacting,
• identifying what triggered the emotional spiral,
• reaching out to safe and supportive people instead of carrying everything alone,
• and slowly learning that problems do not always need to be solved entirely by yourself.

From your post, it sounds like you have spent a long time feeling that you alone must fix the problem, while also not fully experiencing what it feels like to work through things with proper support, safety, and guidance around you.

You also mentioned “friends,” and I wonder if it may help to reflect gently on this:
When you first started building those friendships, what were you hoping for or searching for back then? What meanings were you making about connection, safety, comfort, or belonging when you first reached out to people?

Because if there were friendships in the first place, it likely means there were people you once felt mattered to you, and perhaps people who saw something meaningful in you too. Even if some relationships became painful or complicated, that does not automatically erase the reasons those connections formed to begin with.

That support does exist, even if it may not feel believable right now.

I really do not think you should sit with the suicidal thoughts and isolation entirely alone. Help is genuinely only a phone call away, and despite how difficult the mind can make it seem, reaching out is often much more straightforward than people expect. There are no hidden conditions or expectations attached to asking for support.

Please consider speaking with a counsellor, school support staff, a trusted adult, or contacting:

• SOS - 1767
• National Mindline - 1771

You do not need to completely disappear from people in order to become safer or healthier. Right now, it may be more important to slowly learn which connections help you stabilise, rather than convincing yourself that you must carry everything alone. Hope to hear from you.