I just want to know if I’m even allowed to feel like this in the first place. I have a friend of 2 years. She’s really close to me. She knows a lot of my home life and I know a lot of hers, and to say the least we don’t have a good relationship with our parents. So we like to share with each other. There are times when I can’t necessarily tend to her needs, so I tell her that I can’t help her and she understands. But she doesn’t tell me when she’s tired sometimes, and often times, when I feel bad, she feels bad at almost the same time. So I don’t talk to her about things even when I feel bad. She has a lot of issues, like body dysmorphia and anxiety, and I don’t know how to help her sometimes.
There’s this guy I like, and I never intended to be that friend that leaves a friend because they have someone new to like. But I did. And I hurt her, because I turned to this person that I liked instead of her. Because I gravitated more towards this person. She told me that when I texted her, it was just because I needed attention, because that other person wasn’t giving me any. I hate explaining things to people. I think it happened when I was younger but I realised people don’t like to listen to explanations because they like to think they’re excuses. So I thought that I wouldn’t tell her my exact reason why: I knew that I was not spending enough time with her and I wanted to strike a conversation so that we could bond some more. I knew that we weren’t as close anymore, and I didn’t want to lose that, so I tried initiating conversation so that we could talk to each other. But she didn’t see it that way. And honestly I do see truth to what she says. But I never intended that. She said it in the group chat, saying I didn’t care, and that she needed me to know I was hurting others. I’ve been trying to change everyday, and trying to be better.
Just last month we managed to reconcile and reconnect because of a breakdown I had recently. She came to the bathroom to comfort me because I really couldn’t stop crying, and to be honest sometimes I look back and think that maybe I shouldn’t have opened that door. We went back to our usual routine, but now it’s like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m so scared of suddenly losing her, mainly because she’s one of my only friends. But I can’t find any more reason to why I want to keep the friendship. We’re the very touchy feely kind of type, but sometimes I need space, and after the argument I can’t seem to communicate that anymore. So I pull out of her grasp, and try to reciprocate physical contact even when I feel uncomfortable. I’ll be honest. I think I just felt bad for her. But she likes a lot of things and she likes them loudly, and I can’t find the enthusiasm or the right words to show that I’m listening to her. Sometimes I like to do my own thing and space out, and sometimes in order to get my attention, she likes to hit me, and I’ve told her multiple times to stop. I’m not happy with her anymore. I’m just here out of obligation and the fact that she has already lost friends who’ve ghosted her etc, and I feel like a horrible person for feeling annoyed with the way she talks and everything she does. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I have to text her everytime she feels bad just because I need her to be okay. I pity her. I do, and I feel bad for everything she’s going through. But I can’t deal with her talking about her interests anymore, because she likes to insist that I know them. To be honest, because she’s the one sharing it, I feel less interested. I don’t know why I feel angry and distant from her. I’ve basically stopped starting any sort of conversation unless she starts it first so that I don’t seem like Im just looking for attention again, but now she’s stopped talking to me, and I think it’s starting all over again. I know that I’ve been stressing a lot and have been trying really really hard to be a good person and try to help her, but I don’t think I can anymore. She’s a kind person with a good heart but I don’t think I’m fit to deal with this. I feel horrible for even thinking that way, and I feel bad that now I’m slowly drifting away from her because of my irritation. I know how it feels to have someone leave you because it’s annoying to have you around, but I don’t want to do that to her.
