How do I handle complicated friendships without losing people permanently?

[decentpeony1297]

Hi, I’m hoping to get some outside perspective on a friendship situation. I’d appreciate honest advice, including if you think I might be interpreting things unfairly or handling them poorly.

Over time, I’ve grown close to a few people, and some of these friendships have become emotionally complicated. I’ve struggled with loneliness before, so when I find people I genuinely connect with, I sometimes become quite emotionally invested in those relationships.

Recently, I’ve found myself questioning two friendships in particular.

The first involves someone I’ve developed feelings for. Although we’ve become quite close, they’ve made it clear that they don’t see me romantically. However, certain aspects of our interactions have sometimes left me confused about where we stand. I know that friendliness and affection don’t necessarily indicate romantic interest, and I don’t want to assume that someone owes me anything just because I have feelings for them. At the same time, I’ve found it difficult to separate my hopes from the reality of the friendship.

The second friendship involves someone I thought genuinely wanted to spend time with me. I recently learnt that at least part of their motivation was to get closer to the first person. This left me feeling used, as I had understood our friendship differently.

Since then, I’ve started distancing myself from both people. I’ve reduced my engagement with them online and am keeping conversations brief. I haven’t fully explained my reasons to one of them, partly because I’m hurt and don’t know how to approach the conversation.

I’m now unsure whether taking this distance is the right thing to do. Part of me feels that I need to protect my emotional wellbeing and stop investing so much in relationships that leave me feeling uncertain. Another part worries that I’m withdrawing too quickly and potentially damaging friendships that could still be repaired.

I’m also afraid of falling back into the same dynamics if either person starts giving me more attention again. At the same time, I worry about becoming lonely if these friendships fade, and I sometimes wonder whether I’ve misjudged the situation or contributed to it myself.

My feelings towards the person I liked have also become less clear. I may still have some feelings, but I’m no longer sure whether I want a romantic relationship or am simply struggling to let go of the closeness we once had.

I’d appreciate advice on a few things:

How can I tell whether distancing myself is a healthy boundary or an emotional reaction that I might regret?

How do I assess someone’s behaviour fairly when my own feelings may be affecting my interpretation of it?

Is it better to explain why I’m hurt before taking distance, or is it reasonable to step back first when I’m not ready to have that conversation?

How can I stop hoping for something more from someone who has already said they see me as a friend, while still deciding whether the friendship is worth preserving?

How do I leave room for reconciliation without returning to a dynamic that has been hurting me?

If these friendships eventually fade, how can I cope with the loneliness without becoming overly dependent on the next person I grow close to?

[reassuredshiba]

Hey @decentpeony1297, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing something so personal here!

Also, it’s nice that you asked upfront to be challenged if needed…that kind of self-awareness is genuinely useful to work with!

Here are a few thoughts across the things you’ve raised!

On whether the distance is healthy or reactive:

Honestly, it can be both at once, and that doesn’t make it wrong or anything. Stepping back when you’re hurt is a reasonable 1st move since it gives you space to think, w/o the noise of the rs affecting your judgement. The qn worth sitting with isn’t whether it’s the right final decision, but more of “am I using this space to get clearer, or to avoid a convo I’ll eventually need to have?” Distance as a pause is healthy! Distance as a permanent substitute for processing tends to leave things unresolved

On assessing others fairly when feelings are involved:

This is genuinely very hard, and the fact that you’re asking this shows that you alr sense the risk! 1 useful thing is to ask yourself is this: if a friend described this person’s behaviour to me, with no emotional history attached, what would I think? Another is to notice if your interpretation of their actions has been consistent over time, or whether it shifts depending on how you’re feeling that day. Neither is perfect, but they can help separate what happened from what you feared or hoped was happening!

On whether to explain yourself before stepping back:

You don’t really owe anyone an immediate explanation, esp when you’re still working out what you feel. There’s a diff between taking time to find the right words, and indefinitely avoiding a convo because it’s uncomfy. For the person you haven’t explained things to, at some point, if the friendship matters to you, they deserve to know why things changed…Not necessarily now, but eventually. Silence tends to create its own kind of damage

On letting go of hope while deciding about the friendship:

These are actually 2 separate things, and it helps to treat them that way! The 1st: whether you can stop hoping for smth romantic…depends partly on whether you can genuinely enjoy the friendship for what it is, w/o the hope quietly running in the background? Some people can reach that place, others find that the feelings make the friendship too costly to maintain. Neither outcome is a failure! The 2nd: whether the friendship is worth preserving, is worth holding lightly for now rather than forcing a decision while you’re still hurt.

On leaving room for reconciliation w/o returning to the same dynamic:

The dynamic you shared is worth understanding before you re-engage, not just avoiding! What specifically made you feel uncertain? What would need to be diff for you to feel more secure in the friendship? If you can name those things clearly, you’re in a much better position to recognise if things have actually changed, rather than being pulled back in by attention or warmth alone.

On the 2nd friendship and feeling used:

This one is worth examining carefully…It’s possible that person genuinely valued your friendship and also had an ulterior motive! Those aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s also possible the friendship was mainly instrumental? You may not know for certain. What you can ask yourself is whether, setting aside how it ended, the friendship gave you smth real while it lasted? And whether you’d want to understand their pov before writing it off entirely.

On loneliness and future relationships:

The pattern you shared (becoming emotionally invested in close friendships) is worth exploring more deeply, not because it’s a flaw, but because understanding it gives you more choice When loneliness is driving the investment, it can make relationships feel more high-stakes than they are, making ordinary disappointments feel like losses. When you build a broader base of connection, it can reduce the pressure you place on any single rs! Not a quick fix, but worth working towards.

1 last thing: you asked if you may have contributed to the situation yourself. That’s a fair qn, but pls don’t use that as a way to take on more responsibility than is yours, okay? Sometimes we contribute to dynamics…sometimes we’re simply just in a situation that was always going to be painful.

Both can be true!