I am currently undergoing divorce due to my husband’s infidelity and have 2 kids of which 1 has just undergone PSLE.
Just 2 days before PSLE, my kid had a meltdown on why he cannot focus and that he hasn’t been sleeping at night, googling about how to salvage our marriage. That broke my heart and told him that it was not his fault and it is beyond his control. He shouldn’t fret about things beyond his control.
I can feel that something had changed within me as if my defenses have broken down and I start to get a bit more anxious.
My defense broke when my husband started sending me reels on people loving each other in a way they don’t understand hence it is useless, which implied that our more than 10 years of marriage have gone to waste and justified his infidelity. He even posted something IG to imply that I am the problem which he gave the excuse that he posted by accident.
All these attacks on me, together with his cheating have a toil on me, having me anxious when he is around, fearing for another argument. Now the bouts of anxiety gets more frequent and it is harder to shake them off. It is affecting my daily life as my energy has been drained and in a constant high alert mode.
Is there anyway to shake off this feeling and change my mindset to treat him as invisible? Thanks.
Thank you for reaching out on what you have been experiencing.
I feel how stressful and anxiety triggering it has been for you. I think it’s understandable that you feel drained and anxious. Your husband has been deeply hurtful and disrespectful and anyone in your place would feel unsettled and shaken. I commend how you have maintained a sense of stability and consistency for your children while facing betrayal and constant emotional pressure. That is sincere effort aimed to protect your children.
I recommend you could consider these to reduce anxiety and hyper vigilance:
1. Take care of your body first.
When the anxiety hits, ground yourself. Breathe slowly, name things you can see around you, or step outside for a few minutes. Small grounding acts tell your body that you’re safe in this moment.
2. Protect your peace.
Mute or block him on social media. Keep any communication short and factual, only about the kids. You don’t need to read or respond to messages meant to hurt you. Silence is strength, too.
3. Rebuild safety slowly.
Your mind needs rest. Try to keep a simple routine such as regular meals, short walks, and sleep. It helps calm the constant alertness. Talking to a counsellor can also help you manage the fear and anxiety.
If you ever feel too overwhelmed, please reach out for support to the Samaritans of Singapore (1767) or the national mindline at 1771. These are 24/7 and confidential and manned by caring counsellors.
Please know that you don’t have to make him invisible. Instead focus on your healing. I can see your strength and determination to emerge from this divorce stronger so tap on this inner resource as you take this journey towards better well being for your children and you.
Thanks for your advice, @CaringBee. He is currently still staying with me and the kids which kind of make it difficult for me to avoid him. I’m in a constant tensed up mode in anticipation of any conflict with him.
I will try to ground myself more and distract myself from overthinking. I am worried that my anxiety will relapse as I had issues with anxiety previously.
Thank you for letting us know the current situation.
Start small steps to reduce anxiety by grounding yourself. This can help you be more mindful and you can better choose your response. Staying in the present will help you not to ruminate too much about what to expect, as that can contribute to anxiety, dear. We are here to support so reach out when needed.
