hi, my family makes me feel small and 9 out of 10 times, i don’t feel good hanging out with them in general. i also have a dog at home (who i love very much but it was not my choice, it was my sisters’) and almost 90% of its responsibilities are mine. anyway, i feel guilty for not spending enough time with it, especially on days where i don’t have the capacity to. i also feel guilty for not spending “enough” time with family. this guilt lingers and affects me in my daily life and decisions, it makes me miss out on days where i want to go on solo dates; and it just makes me feel guilty for spending time alone. i really need some advice on this, thanks so much 
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Hi @Mello,
Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly—it takes courage to acknowledge these struggles, and I want you to know your emotions are deeply valid. What you’re describing sounds incredibly heavy: feeling unseen by your family, carrying responsibility for a pet you didn’t choose, and the weight of guilt that follows you daily. It’s understandable to feel drained when so much of your energy is poured into meeting others’ needs, often at the expense of your own.
Let’s start by gently unpacking this guilt. Guilt often arises when we care deeply but feel we’re falling short of expectations—whether others’ or our own. I wonder, though: Whose standards are you measuring yourself against here? Are these expectations truly yours, or have they been placed on you over time? Sometimes, guilt is a signal that we’re prioritizing others’ needs over our own for too long. What if, instead of judging yourself for needing space, you saw this as your heart asking for compassion?
The dog’s care is a perfect example. You clearly love this animal, yet the responsibility was never yours to own. It’s okay to feel both love and frustration—those can coexist. Would it feel possible to have a conversation with your sister about redistributing tasks, even temporarily? If not, could you grant yourself permission to do “enough” (not “perfect”) on low-energy days? Sometimes, a shorter walk or a quick cuddle is still an act of love—and it’s more than okay if your capacity fluctuates.
With family, feeling “small” suggests your voice or needs aren’t being honoured. That’s deeply painful. Boundaries can be a loving gift to yourself here. Could you experiment with politely voicing how you feel and engaging in ways that feel less draining. Here are some ideas to consider and you deserve relationships that nourish you, not diminish you.
Have a read and let us know your thoughts and how you feel?
Some of these ideas show respect to others in context while gently expanding your sense of agency . The key is to focus on internal empowerment first—shifting how you relate to guilt and self-worth—even if external dynamics change slowly.
These steps are not compromises; consider them subversive acts of self-preservation within a restrictive system. These are survival tools to create breathing room while you build resilience. The goal isn’t to stay here forever but to carve out enough space to eventually question, “What would it look like to prioritise myself unapologetically?”
1. For dog-care responsibilities:
Non-confrontational + “We”-focused approach:
“I’ve noticed [dog’s name] gets so excited when everyone spends time with them! Maybe if we all take turns feeding/walking, they’ll feel even more loved. What do you think, sis? Could you try giving them dinner sometimes? They adore your cooking!”
→ Why this works: Focuses on the dog’s benefit and invites collaboration. * Delegating dog care indirectly (“The dog misses you!”) isn’t just avoiding conflict—it’s planting seeds for others to recognise your labour.
Appeal to practicality (if sister resists):
“I’m worried I might accidentally forget [dog’s name]’s vet appointment because of my school/work deadlines. Could you help remind me sometimes?”
→ Why this works: Positions the request as needing support (not criticism).
2. For family time that feels draining:
Use “duty” as a reason to step back:
“I need to focus on my studies/work to make you all proud. For lunch/dinner, but I will leave early to prepare.”
→ Why this works: Ties your absence to a culturally valued goal (e.g., academic/career success).
Redirect without confrontation:
If criticised:
“You’re right—I’m still learning. I’ll keep working on it. By the way, how did…”
→ Why this works: Acknowledges their comment and shifts focus politely.
Opt for “presence without participation”:
- Help with chores (e.g., washing dishes during gatherings) to avoid intense conversations.
3. For guilt about solo time:
Frame solitude as self-improvement:
“I’m going for a walk to clear my head—it helps me focus better!”
“I read that quiet time improves concentration, so I’m trying it out.”
→ Why this works: Links alone time to productivity, which may be more acceptable than “self-care.”
Use “group” activities as cover:
- Say you’re running an errand for the family (e.g., grocery shopping), then carve out 30 minutes for yourself afterward.
- Attend a library/café under the guise of “studying” or “skill-building.”
4. For navigating guilt:
Reframe culturally resonant values:
- “By caring for myself, I’m preserving my ability to care for my family long-term.”
- “Even machines need maintenance—how can I serve others if I’m broken?”
Small acts of care to “balance” the guilt:
- Send a quick text or bring home a snack after solo time (“Saw this and thought of you!”).
- Offer to help with a small task later (e.g., fixing a parent’s phone settings) to maintain reciprocity.
Key adjustments for Asian family dynamics:
- Indirect communication: Use “we,” “us,” or the collective good vs. “I” statements.
- Hierarchy-aware language: Add honorifics (e.g., “Ma, would it be okay if…”) and soften requests with phrases like “I was thinking maybe…”
- Non-verbal boundaries: Reduce availability subtly (e.g., stay in your room studying during family TV time).
- Leverage cultural values: Tie your needs to respect, diligence, or family reputation.
Critical questions to protect your sense of self
As you experiment, check in with:
- “Does this action leave me feeling more resentful or more empowered?”
→ If resentment grows, pivot. Even tiny tweaks matter (e.g., taking 5 extra minutes for yourself after an errand). - “Am I reinforcing the belief that my needs are ‘wrong’?”
→ If masking your needs fuels shame, try adding a silent mantra: “I deserve this, even if no one understands why.” - “Can I seek validation outside my family?”
→ Connect with friends, online communities, or mentors who mirror your worth back to you.
Strategies to counter diminishing dynamics
1. Name the pattern internally (without confrontation):
When you feel “small”, silently acknowledge: “This is the dynamic speaking, not the truth about who I am.”
→ This separates your family’s behaviour from your inherent worth.
2. Practise “micro-boundaries”:
- Leave the room for 10 minutes during tense conversations: “I need to check something—I’ll be back!”
- Say “no” to one request this week, even if you justify it (“I have a headache”).
3. Reclaim your narrative in private:
- Keep a journal where you write unfiltered truths: “I matter. My needs are not a burden.”
- Create a “power playlist” of songs that remind you of your strength.
The long game: Your liberation is relational
In rigid family systems, direct defiance often backfires, but subtle shifts in how you belong to yourself can be revolutionary. Over time, this might look like:
- Building financial independence to create physical/emotional distance.
- Choosing when/where to engage (e.g., visiting family on your terms after moving out).
- Modelling new dynamics for younger relatives (showing them it’s okay to prioritise themselves).
A note on guilt:
You’re not neglecting your role—but it can become toxic when it overrides your humanity. You’re not betraying your family by needing space; you’re ensuring you can show up for them sustainably.
This is a delicate dance, and progress might feel slow. Would it help to brainstorm specific scenarios you’re facing? You’re not alone in navigating this tension—many straddle these waters, and your well-being matters within your cultural framework. 
Remember:
- Start tiny. Even a 10-minute walk alone or one delegated dog task counts as progress.
- It’s okay to “edit” your approach. If a script doesn’t land well, adjust the wording or try a different method (e.g., text instead of face-to-face).
- Guilt may flare up at first—this doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Growth often feels uncomfortable before it feels freeing.
As for solo dates: These are not selfish. They’re vital acts of self-preservation. Imagine what you’d say to a friend who felt guilty for taking time to recharge—you’d likely reassure them it’s necessary. Can you offer yourself that same kindness? Each time guilt arises, try pausing and asking: “Is this guilt serving me, or is it keeping me stuck?”
Lastly, consider this: What would it look like to release the “shoulds” (I should spend time, I should do more) and instead focus on what aligns with your well-being? You matter—not just as a caregiver, but as a whole person with needs and worth.
This is a lot to carry alone. Would you feel comfortable exploring ways to build support, whether through friends, a therapist, or even small moments of mindfulness? You don’t have to navigate this in isolation.
We are holding space for you here. You’re already showing strength by reaching out—that’s a powerful step toward honouring yourself. 
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I really resonate with what you shared—especially during my transition from being a teenager to a young adult, I went through something similar. My family placed a strong emphasis on family time, and I often felt guilty for choosing to spend time outside or alone. They’d make comments like “Again?” or “You have time for friends but not for us,” which made it hard to prioritise my own needs.
What helped me was reminding myself that while my family and responsibilities (like your dog) are important, so am I. Just because they might need more together-time doesn’t mean you’re wrong for needing space or solo time. You’re an individual, and your well-being matters too.
It’s really about finding that balance between caring for others and taking care of yourself. Maybe ask yourself: am I doing enough for me? Don’t be afraid to take yourself out, even if there’s initial resistance from your family. The more you normalise it, the more they will too. You deserve to make space for yourself without guilt.
Oh, and now that I’ve consistently asserted my boundaries over time, my family really understands my need for independence. We’re on great terms, and they respect my space because they see that it’s important to me too. Hehe, they can’t stop me now!
I hope you’re able to find that balance too, and remember that taking time for yourself is just as important as being there for others. You’ve got this!
hi @mello,
I’m really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of emotional weight, and it is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by these responsibilities and the guilt that comes with them. I wish to let you know that your feelings are valid and that it is okay to prioritize your own well-being!
Feeling small around family can be incredibly challenging, especially when it affects your self-esteem and overall happiness. It is okay to set boundaries and communicate your feelings, even though it might be difficult (letting your family know how their actions make you feel can be a crucial step towards improving your relationship with them).
Regarding your dog, it’s clear that you care deeply for your pet. On days when you don’t have the capacity, try to remind yourself that it is okay to take care of your own needs too. Maybe you can find small ways to show your dog love and care, even if it is just a few minutes of quality time.
Taking time for yourself is not selfish. Solo dates and personal time are essential for your mental health and well-being. It is okay to prioritize yourself and your needs. Finding a balance between your responsibilities and self-care can be challenging, but it is important for your overall happiness.