idk what to do anymore. I have this Favourite ex whom I kind of maintained friends with after breaking up, bcos of the nature of how we were brought up and our similarities with some level of substance abuse, I really like him romantically last time but we broke up and I was in the phase of wanting him back for over a year. We still talk once in awhile and we have a routine of him blocking me when he gets a new girlfriend and then unblocking me so on and so forth when they break up. Recently, I got a bf, who is really nice to me, we’re 6 months in, and he is almost perfect and I love him so much, but awhile ago we had a cca bonding, ex and I play the exact same position in the sport and we’re in the same cca. During the bonding, we talked and played volleyball together .after that we went a portion of our way home tgt bcos we happened to be going the same way. We talked a lot and he was still really nice to me, taking care of me as a friend as he knows I’m careless and reckless. My bf is aware of him and they actually know e/o as they are from the same school just different batch, my bf doesn’t quite like him, although he says he is ok if we’re friends, just not overly close. But the thing is, me and my bf are opposites. He doesn’t struggle with any sort of mental health or just emotional distress much whereas I do, so I feel more relatable to my ex and he consoles me better than my bf. But there’s not really anything my bf can do because he didn’t go through the similar condition me and my ex had growing up. And whenever my ex comes back I’m usually fine, but after the cca bonding, us talking about life, and him watching out for me, Idk what to think anymore, because I wanted that for so long a few months bfr I started dating my bf, and idk what to do anymore, I want to love my boyfriend a lot and I want the relationship but I don’t know why I can’t feel the love I had for him in a sense even though I still want my bf to be with me.
Dear @Engine
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are currently experiencing. I am hearing how overwhelmed you are with many emotions such as loyalty, guilt and confusion.
I think it’s understandable and common to have old feelings resurface when you see your ex. In your case, it may be attributable to having similar backgrounds, going through difficult periods together and feeling deeply understood by him. I believe you are reacting to memories, emotions and comforting familiarity and bonding built over a long time. This does not mean you are a bad partner or that you are trying to betray your boyfriend.
I can see that you are currently in a relationship with your boyfriend who treats you well, loves you, and is stable. However your ex represents someone who understands your emotional struggles deeply, relates to your past and you feel more ‘seen’. I believe that emotional familiarity can feel like romantic feelings but may I gently suggest that it could be that you are missing the past more than anything else. That’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend.
You shared you want to love your current boyfriend as you appreciate how caring he is. I sense he provides stability and has been a grounding presence in your life.
May I recommend that you
-Give yourself time to untangle feelings instead of rushing into a decision. Your feelings right now are a reaction to the past bonding to your ex.
-Feelings will likely might soften if you give yourself space from your ex. Hence, consider to set some boundaries with your ex. For example reduce emotional intensity by having shorter personal conversations, and ensure no one to one interactions.
-Acknowledge he is in a relationship.
-Engage and deepen your relationship with your boyfriend. Share with him your past struggles so that he understands your emotional world better. Invest time and effort to improve and strengthen your relationship.
-Speak to a counsellor to process your past hurt, attachment and trauma. This will help you gain clarity and greater self awareness. The counsellor can guide to achieve your intentions of building a good and stable relationship with your boyfriend.
Please do take it slow, and do not rush to any hasty decision. And care for yourself, too while you sort out your feelings.
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through; it sounds like you’re feeling a lot of emotions, like loyalty, guilt, and confusion. It’s completely normal for old feelings to resurface when you see your ex, especially given your shared background and deep understanding of each other. This doesn’t diminish your feelings for your current boyfriend, who provides you with love and stability. I encourage you to take your time to untangle these feelings without rushing into decisions and consider setting boundaries with your ex to reduce emotional intensity. Engaging more deeply with your boyfriend by sharing your past struggles can help strengthen your relationship, and talking to a counsellor can offer you clarity and support in navigating your emotions. Remember to be gentle with yourself during this process.
If you ever feel overwhelmed and need someone to talk to, I encourage you to reach out for support through the National Mindline at 1711. They provide a safe space where you can share your thoughts and feelings with trained professionals who genuinely care and can guide you through this challenging time. Seeking help is a strong and positive step toward understanding yourself better and finding peace as you navigate your emotions. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone; there are people ready to help you! 