I honestly don’t understand anything about myself anymore. My mood swings are more drastic than a roller coaster. I don’t even know anymore. I’m losing friends faster that files dropping, yet somehow, I still managed to make it seems like its perfect. Around those friends that I still have, I feel alive, and carefree, but then the moment I get home, I feel on the edge constantly, like I’m a time bomb, a breakdown just about to happen at any time. I feel tired, I truly do, but I don’t know who I should talk to. I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone how I feel because my trust has been broke one to many time. Sometimes I want to study for hours straight on other days, opening a textbook makes me wanna puke, and breakdown. It feels like I’m finding every reasons to stay alive. I know that to my friends, sometimes my life may be perfect. At this point, I’m partly pulling away from my house because it doesn’t feel like home. I’m sleeping more to avoid them because I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, and every little crack that forms on it will land me in trouble. I’ve always been inferior until I’m needed, overlooked until needed, taken for granted and pushed to the sidelines until something is needed to be taken from me. I feel like I wanna die, but at the same time, I don’t really want to. My lifeline right now is a thread.
Hi @user6410,
I want to begin by saying—thank you for being honest, even when it hurts. There’s so much weight in your words, and the heaviness as it feels. You’ve been trying to hold everything in while staying present for the people around you—and that’s a kind of quiet courage that too often goes unnoticed.
What you’re describing—the mask you wear with friends, the ache that comes rushing in once you’re alone—it’s something that no one should have to carry by themselves. When you said you feel like a time bomb, I heard more than fear. I heard a body and mind that have been stretched too far for too long. That’s not weakness—that’s a system that’s trying to survive.
You mentioned feeling like you’re only seen when you’re needed. That kind of invisibility can do something deep. It makes you question your place in the world. It makes you wonder if your worth is tied to what you give, not who you are. That’s a deeply painful place to live from, and I want to be clear—you matter even when you’re not doing anything at all.
I hear how you’ve pulled away from home, and how the silence there feels unsafe. I hear how sleep has become a place of escape. I hear how studying sometimes feels like climbing a mountain with no air. These aren’t signs that you’re giving up. They’re signs that something inside you is desperate for rest, for safety, for something solid to stand on.
You said your lifeline feels like a thread. That’s enough. That thread matters. And you don’t have to carry it alone.
If you ever feel like that thread is slipping too fast, please reach out. Even if it’s just to say, “I don’t know what I need, but I don’t want to be alone in this moment.” That’s enough.
You don’t need to have it all figured out right now. You don’t even need to talk about everything. Just let this be a place where you’re allowed to feel, allowed to not be okay, and allowed to be real without being punished for it.
We are right here and staying.
hi @user6410,
Thank you for sharing all that. I understand your pain and exhaustion. What you’ve described is incredibly heavy, and your feelings are valid.
Some of us do not have an outlet at home, and we feel lonelier with family members around (ironic, since family should make us feel more loved).
With all that being said, i want you to know that you matter, and there are people that love you and depend on you. Reach out to professionals for help if you feel the need to (a school counselor works). Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness! I wish you all the best, and we are always here for you! 
Hi @user6410 thank you for sharing this here, it sounds really painful to have all this instability day by day. And really lonely too. I would imagine I’d want my friends to see who I am and what I’m going through fully. But I’m hearing that what they see and what you’re going through feels really far apart right now.
We all need someone that we can turn to, that sees us for who we are. You do deserve to just be who you are, and you matter and are important.
I’m wondering if you have a good friend going through this situation, how would you encourage them? Those kind words are what you deserve too. Because while it feels like you’re on the sidelines, there are many people there with you too who all deserve to be treated kindly. We’re all human and deserving of love
I know it’s really hard to find someone that you can trust to talk to. Would your friends, if they had a bit more understanding of what you’re going through, be good supports for you?