I don’t know where do I even start. I wrote my first post here sharing my struggles on how I deal with my love ones’s emotional struggles with depressive episodes and the constant anxiety scares that resulted me into having deep emotional enmeshments with them. It affected my whole productivity and mental headspace.
I am gonna be starting university soon, my love ones are doing alright, I also came out of an argument regarding with my extended family and that outcome also shown how my mom would never be there for me emotionally and called me weak when I ran away from confrontation when I was at my weakest. Why is everyone so damn mean wtf
I feel like I am living each day the same cycle over and over, it feels hard when my own parents are the type to brush aside their mistakes and pretend we’re a good family when I am always left with so many emotional wounds to heal from. And I hate it whenever on family outings, I would get irritated and I would spiral thinking why did I blow my temper this easily, old me would have ignored and move on but I am stuck feeling like the same kid who has anger issues, the same person I swore to never become.
I feel so uneasy with so many unsettled feelings in my heart, I have so many unanswered whys, but I know choosing to never engage and forget about these issues seems to be the best way out when my family is not built on communication.
I just wanna go back to my normal self, where I am not this emotionally burnt out, but also I accepted this is how much I can handle for the past 12-14 years of constant being the mediator/saviour in this family.
Hi there, thank you for taking the time to reach out to Let’s talk!
From what you have shared with me, it seems like you have a lot on your plate for some time now. It makes sense you would feel exhausted given what you have been holding. It sounds like you want to go back to your normal self, but you also recognize that the normal self you are missing is built on suppressing things and moving on. The emotions you feel now might be a sign that you are not willing to absorb things silently than you used to be. That is not the same as having anger issues even if you feel like it is
It must have also been painful for you to hear your mom calling you weak for stepping away from confrontation when you were already at your lowest. It does sound exhausting when you have been a mediator and emotional anchor for your loved ones for 12-14 years. It means that you have been doing adult emotional labor for most of your life.
Starting university is giving you some breathing room to figure out you who are outside of thar role, and it seems like that can be shift in your environment and the people around you.
One thing that you can consider thinking about is engaging and forgetting might be ok for a short-term survival but it also good to be honest with yourself about whether forgetting is actually working or is it just pushing the weight of it away. I was wondering, given that this situation has been causing a lot of exhaustion, will you be open to seeking support? I can leave some resources down for you here should you need to.
1. National Mindline 1771 is mental health helpline round the clock for anyone who requires brief counselling and intervention. They can listen to you out and provide/recommend some resources you can consider moving forward
- Mindline.sg also have mental health resources and self-care tools that you can consider. It is also tailored to your needs.
Please remember that you don’t have to go through this alone