Ok so before you go on saying that I have people in my life that genuinely care and acknowledge my existence, I’m perfectly aware of that. It’s just that…I don’t really feel that close to them, and said people who care for me are so little.
I don’t have any friends, zero, nothing. As long as I know, I always had trouble making friends. I assume it’s due to social axienty but sheesesshhhhshhshshs since when social axienty was THIS horrible? Every time I want to approach someone new, or just anyone in general I feel this strong dread that prevents me from freely speaking to others. Like I’d lwk panic and second thought my decision to approach the person, sometimes even procrastinating from a few minutes to days just to ask my question. Even so, once I overcome this fear, my voice comes out sooo unusually soft (I somewhat perceive myself to be a loud person, now I don’t tho) that I just give up on socialising unless necessary. It’s been bothering me A LOT, like why can’t I be normal and talk to other people so…freely? I want to strike up conversations without a hint of hesitance sjsjsjskkskd. Yet, for some odd reason, I’m able to speak freely around those I’m close with, which annoys me bc I WANNA SPEAK TO OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THIS. Because of this dang thing about me I’m living this miserable sob story of a life.
I couldn’t make any friends when I entered sec school, I just didn’t knew how, and I was still deeply affected by a friendship loss the year ago (for context I had a friend of 6 years in which I lost due to my arrogant behaviour, I feel guilty abt even today even though I have a feeling that that friend has COMPLETELY forgotten my existence) Sure, some people did approach me trying to be my friend, but they found other people who are better than me and just…ignore me? Idk, I noticed the ‘friends’ I made weren’t paying that much attention to me so I just left them. I doubt they’d have the patience to wait for me to open up fully like how my Pri school friends did. Sometimes I wished I went to the same school as my Pri school friends instead of going to the fancy new school I’m currently in, my life would’ve been sooo much better abt it. BUT NOOOOOOO I DIDNT.
This darn regret still haunts me and it’s pissing me off.
Anyways, I became…the quiet kid…again…yay! Except the difference was that my existence was completely dismissed. There was no one to acknowledge me at all. The only time people notice me was during group forming and partner ts…even so, they’ll just pretend I don’t exist and converse with other group members or their friends. Hell, even those who seem ‘inclusive’ and ‘nice’ only add me to fill that one empty spot in their friend group for the minimum requirement. I never experienced genuine inclusivity, only whatever this is. Due to that I don’t really have that much faith in humanity, which sickens me as to why are you feeling so much sympathy towards people in war but nothing at all to someone like me? (Ik this is a bit far fetched but cmon 
) Sure, I’m not bullied, I’m not ridiculed, but the silence just hurts. Sometimes I feel that I’m overthinking all of this, that maybe people are actually trying to be inclusive, that maybe I keep pushing people away and keep being close-off. If that’s the case then why do they all ignore me when they take note of my existence? Why didn’t anyone notice when I wasn’t present for PE at all? (I can successfully skip PE classes and cca bc of this, though I only do it at a minimum where a lot of social interaction is required or bonding sessions bc I just know that I’m going to be pushed off to the side)
This has only been happening for two years, aka ever since I started sec school, but it has taken a significant toll on my mental health. Self degrading thoughts are just everywhere in my mind, and I can’t even deny them bc I know damn well it’s true. Also, whenever I get bothered by the ignorance, I’ll just scratch myself to get my mind back on track…which apparently is a form of self harm. Uh….whoops. Sometimes, when the ignorance get overwhelming, I just have suicidal thoughts, that maybe ending it all would help to relieve it all the discomfort, even though i have this really big fear of death and hell (in my religion it’s forbidden to commit otherwise BAM straight to hell…) Besides that, committing suicide would just make my whole situation worse I’d just be forgotten entirely, no more chances to make myself known. I’m pretty sure I’m still alive because of these reasons sjsjskskxkd. Despite all of this, however, every time I see some bar, I’ll always envision some sort of rope hanging from there with my body…it’s kinda making me uncomfortable like I DONT WANNA DIE YET SMSMSMSK. I keep telling myself that “hey, I’m 14, I have a whole life ahead, MAYBE things will get better!” Issue is I don’t have the damn patience to wait, I wanna get rid of this feeling now and I don’t have faith that anyone’s gonna to like…know me. With that in mind, I started writing as a way to express myself, sometimes even posting my work online, just so I could possibly make myself known…The thing is the algorithm sucks asf and my works aren’t getting that much recognition shsjjsks. Furthermore, I don’t have much confidence in my skills sighs.
There are only two people I’m kinda ‘close’ with, my cousin and some childhood friend of mine. They’re both in different sec schools. I’m pretty sure my childhood friend has other friends to focus on other than me, which kinda hurts bc he’s like my only friend that isn’t part of my bloodline. I also feel ashamed bc well he’s a guy and I’m a girl so if I ever open up my feelings to him it looks like I feel desperate. As for my cousin…well ig we’re close but I don’t really feel comfortable in sharing my personal interests and passion with her bc I doubt she’ll take it as seriously as I do. Additionally, it feels embarrassing to rely on a relative just to fulfill your basic need of social interaction.
My parents are…fine, I guess. I don’t really talk to them, all I do is just stay in my room for most of the time either drawing or writing. If I were to open up to them about my problems, I doubt they’d be understanding. After all, they kept forcing me to make friends even when I show clear reluctance, saying stuff like “You can’t live without a friend! Friends are important in your life!” Instead of actually understanding why I’m unable to make friends. They think I’m some person who wants to be alone forever and hates people. Other than that, they restrict my only comfort, aka my digital devices. Yes, I understand that it is necessary so that I won’t grow an addiction and be brain dead. It’s just that their method of restriction is wayyy different from other parents. They’ll just take my phone and never EVER let me use it for my free time, only allowing me to use it for important things such as communication for going to school. They claim to give it to me whenever I’m ‘good’, which seems to never come. What’s worse is that my hobbies are literally digital based, such as writing fanfiction and digital arts. If I ever ask them to use my digital device to do such things, they’ll probably say ‘do it traditionally’ or something, which is something I don’t want for the feeling is way different. Thankfully, I have my personal learning device, but my parents are trying to also restrict it too, so I’m trying my best to keep it out of their sight so I can freely carry out my passion. Sometimes I wish they had less stricter rules and for instance let me use my device for 3 hours a day or something. Nothing that big, just some time to let me be me…but I feel like they’ll say something like “Wait until you prove yourself” which will never come even though I didn’t anger them for the week…Maybe I should try harder…Idk. Regardless, they take HUGE pride at being stirct, evident when I overheard a conversation with my parents’ friends where they were like laughing at how strict they were with me compared to the other parents. It just sucks 
I just wanted to vent a bit bc I have nowhere else to do so and found this website while researching abt depression for one of my works. I’m afraid that my mental state would get worse and I’d actually try to commit and self harm. The thought is scary yet…realistic. Sometimes I feel like I have depression or some underlying mental health condition, but I don’t really act to the symptoms of it. For instance, ppl with depression suffer from lack of energy and loss of interest in their favourite activities, but I am still able to do things normally. In fact, I’ve been more interested and reliant on my favourite things. This all makes me feel like I’m probably just faking it and it’s just a teenage phase that I’ll grow out of it. But why does a ‘phase’ ache my heart so much?
I just need advice on what I can do now. Additionally, I’d like to know if what I’m going through would be normal for a teenager cause that’ll make me feel a bit better abt my situation. Thank you for listening to my Ted talk/j