I feel like a nobody

[user0242]

Ok so before you go on saying that I have people in my life that genuinely care and acknowledge my existence, I’m perfectly aware of that. It’s just that…I don’t really feel that close to them, and said people who care for me are so little.

I don’t have any friends, zero, nothing. As long as I know, I always had trouble making friends. I assume it’s due to social axienty but sheesesshhhhshhshshs since when social axienty was THIS horrible? Every time I want to approach someone new, or just anyone in general I feel this strong dread that prevents me from freely speaking to others. Like I’d lwk panic and second thought my decision to approach the person, sometimes even procrastinating from a few minutes to days just to ask my question. Even so, once I overcome this fear, my voice comes out sooo unusually soft (I somewhat perceive myself to be a loud person, now I don’t tho) that I just give up on socialising unless necessary. It’s been bothering me A LOT, like why can’t I be normal and talk to other people so…freely? I want to strike up conversations without a hint of hesitance sjsjsjskkskd. Yet, for some odd reason, I’m able to speak freely around those I’m close with, which annoys me bc I WANNA SPEAK TO OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THIS. Because of this dang thing about me I’m living this miserable sob story of a life.

I couldn’t make any friends when I entered sec school, I just didn’t knew how, and I was still deeply affected by a friendship loss the year ago (for context I had a friend of 6 years in which I lost due to my arrogant behaviour, I feel guilty abt even today even though I have a feeling that that friend has COMPLETELY forgotten my existence) Sure, some people did approach me trying to be my friend, but they found other people who are better than me and just…ignore me? Idk, I noticed the ‘friends’ I made weren’t paying that much attention to me so I just left them. I doubt they’d have the patience to wait for me to open up fully like how my Pri school friends did. Sometimes I wished I went to the same school as my Pri school friends instead of going to the fancy new school I’m currently in, my life would’ve been sooo much better abt it. BUT NOOOOOOO I DIDNT.

This darn regret still haunts me and it’s pissing me off.

Anyways, I became…the quiet kid…again…yay! Except the difference was that my existence was completely dismissed. There was no one to acknowledge me at all. The only time people notice me was during group forming and partner ts…even so, they’ll just pretend I don’t exist and converse with other group members or their friends. Hell, even those who seem ‘inclusive’ and ‘nice’ only add me to fill that one empty spot in their friend group for the minimum requirement. I never experienced genuine inclusivity, only whatever this is. Due to that I don’t really have that much faith in humanity, which sickens me as to why are you feeling so much sympathy towards people in war but nothing at all to someone like me? (Ik this is a bit far fetched but cmon ) Sure, I’m not bullied, I’m not ridiculed, but the silence just hurts. Sometimes I feel that I’m overthinking all of this, that maybe people are actually trying to be inclusive, that maybe I keep pushing people away and keep being close-off. If that’s the case then why do they all ignore me when they take note of my existence? Why didn’t anyone notice when I wasn’t present for PE at all? (I can successfully skip PE classes and cca bc of this, though I only do it at a minimum where a lot of social interaction is required or bonding sessions bc I just know that I’m going to be pushed off to the side)

This has only been happening for two years, aka ever since I started sec school, but it has taken a significant toll on my mental health. Self degrading thoughts are just everywhere in my mind, and I can’t even deny them bc I know damn well it’s true. Also, whenever I get bothered by the ignorance, I’ll just scratch myself to get my mind back on track…which apparently is a form of self harm. Uh….whoops. Sometimes, when the ignorance get overwhelming, I just have suicidal thoughts, that maybe ending it all would help to relieve it all the discomfort, even though i have this really big fear of death and hell (in my religion it’s forbidden to commit otherwise BAM straight to hell…) Besides that, committing suicide would just make my whole situation worse I’d just be forgotten entirely, no more chances to make myself known. I’m pretty sure I’m still alive because of these reasons sjsjskskxkd. Despite all of this, however, every time I see some bar, I’ll always envision some sort of rope hanging from there with my body…it’s kinda making me uncomfortable like I DONT WANNA DIE YET SMSMSMSK. I keep telling myself that “hey, I’m 14, I have a whole life ahead, MAYBE things will get better!” Issue is I don’t have the damn patience to wait, I wanna get rid of this feeling now and I don’t have faith that anyone’s gonna to like…know me. With that in mind, I started writing as a way to express myself, sometimes even posting my work online, just so I could possibly make myself known…The thing is the algorithm sucks asf and my works aren’t getting that much recognition shsjjsks. Furthermore, I don’t have much confidence in my skills sighs.

There are only two people I’m kinda ‘close’ with, my cousin and some childhood friend of mine. They’re both in different sec schools. I’m pretty sure my childhood friend has other friends to focus on other than me, which kinda hurts bc he’s like my only friend that isn’t part of my bloodline. I also feel ashamed bc well he’s a guy and I’m a girl so if I ever open up my feelings to him it looks like I feel desperate. As for my cousin…well ig we’re close but I don’t really feel comfortable in sharing my personal interests and passion with her bc I doubt she’ll take it as seriously as I do. Additionally, it feels embarrassing to rely on a relative just to fulfill your basic need of social interaction.

My parents are…fine, I guess. I don’t really talk to them, all I do is just stay in my room for most of the time either drawing or writing. If I were to open up to them about my problems, I doubt they’d be understanding. After all, they kept forcing me to make friends even when I show clear reluctance, saying stuff like “You can’t live without a friend! Friends are important in your life!” Instead of actually understanding why I’m unable to make friends. They think I’m some person who wants to be alone forever and hates people. Other than that, they restrict my only comfort, aka my digital devices. Yes, I understand that it is necessary so that I won’t grow an addiction and be brain dead. It’s just that their method of restriction is wayyy different from other parents. They’ll just take my phone and never EVER let me use it for my free time, only allowing me to use it for important things such as communication for going to school. They claim to give it to me whenever I’m ‘good’, which seems to never come. What’s worse is that my hobbies are literally digital based, such as writing fanfiction and digital arts. If I ever ask them to use my digital device to do such things, they’ll probably say ‘do it traditionally’ or something, which is something I don’t want for the feeling is way different. Thankfully, I have my personal learning device, but my parents are trying to also restrict it too, so I’m trying my best to keep it out of their sight so I can freely carry out my passion. Sometimes I wish they had less stricter rules and for instance let me use my device for 3 hours a day or something. Nothing that big, just some time to let me be me…but I feel like they’ll say something like “Wait until you prove yourself” which will never come even though I didn’t anger them for the week…Maybe I should try harder…Idk. Regardless, they take HUGE pride at being stirct, evident when I overheard a conversation with my parents’ friends where they were like laughing at how strict they were with me compared to the other parents. It just sucks

I just wanted to vent a bit bc I have nowhere else to do so and found this website while researching abt depression for one of my works. I’m afraid that my mental state would get worse and I’d actually try to commit and self harm. The thought is scary yet…realistic. Sometimes I feel like I have depression or some underlying mental health condition, but I don’t really act to the symptoms of it. For instance, ppl with depression suffer from lack of energy and loss of interest in their favourite activities, but I am still able to do things normally. In fact, I’ve been more interested and reliant on my favourite things. This all makes me feel like I’m probably just faking it and it’s just a teenage phase that I’ll grow out of it. But why does a ‘phase’ ache my heart so much?

I just need advice on what I can do now. Additionally, I’d like to know if what I’m going through would be normal for a teenager cause that’ll make me feel a bit better abt my situation. Thank you for listening to my Ted talk/j

[FuYuan_Affections]

hey @user0242

just wanted to share that my 14yo self was as painful as yours too…

you said no one noticed when you skipped PE, and that regret about your old choices still stays with you, scratching yourself and sometimes thinking about ending things.
i need to be clear… these are not thoughts that should be simply dismissed… please don’t face them by yourself, you can call

• Samaritans of Singapore at 1767
• there’s also CHAT (6493 6500)

let me explain a bit about what’s going on. between 11 and 14, our brain and emotions change a lot. when we were younger, friendships were simple. at 13, we bring what we learnt from 6 - 12 over to new environment which we learnt and tend to often see choices as right or wrong, but choices are really just what we knew at the time.

now, peer belonging feels like everything, and after going through 2 years of being ignored we may feel and think like its rejection of our whole self at 14. and we think that it’s being weak… but it’s how development works. the same goes for regret.

secondary school brings sudden pressure from new rules, teachers, expectations, and CCAs, which can feel overwhelming. emotions react faster than thinking, so feelings often create quick “stories” and add them to what we are struggling.. (silence + “they’re ignoring me” + “i must’ve done something wrong”). what we are experiencing from this stage and on is about trial and error, mistakes are normal and decisions are more like first drafts. the fast pace of school and streaming can make emotions feel even stronger and harder to manage.

most importantly, you showed strength in noticing your own part in things, but then it turns into harsh self-blame. responsibility is useful, but self punishment isn’t. right now, feelings are strong and they drive thoughts… like when you feel unwanted, your brain makes sense of it by saying “people are ignoring me.”

so what can you do now? what matters now is staying safe, and giving yourself a chance to keep growing through it. the fact you wrote all this out shows you’re more aware than you realise… how do you feel now?

[LitCandle1505]

Hey @user0242 ,

Thank you for being vulnerable and having the courage to share what you’re going through on this platform. Just wanted to share that when I was 14 years old, I really struggled a lot as well, with school responsibilities, expectations I put on myself, making friends and accepting myself. I can say that during that period, I was really influenced by those around me, frequently comparing myself with others, be it in person or on social media, and questioned myself why I couldn’t be like them. And it really affected my mood and emotions, as I found it really hard to regulate them. And at the time, the best decision I made was reaching out. It gave me clarity on why I felt this way. For me, it was not loving and accepting myself. And through guidance and lots of effort and time, it got better. I started to be kind to myself, and do things that I enjoyed. Sure, it still comes back even now, but now I’m able to manage my emotions better.

As @FuYuan_Affections mentioned, you do not have to go through this alone. The hotlines he gave in his reply may make what you’re going through more manageable. Alternatively, if you’re comfortable, you can try approaching your school’s counsellor or a trusted teacher. I know it may be difficult to be vulnerable to someone, but sometimes reaching out can surprise you And one thing I felt was amazing is that you’re aware of what you’re feeling and going through. Being aware is always the first step to changing. And it’s also great that you’re invested in your interests!

Know that you matter too, and you don’t have to face your stresses and difficult feelings alone

[douggydoug]

Hey OP,

Let me tell you something. Being 14 sucks. As much as my school life was pretty decent and was fortunate to have some friends to have around, I didn’t like being 14. No longer a kid, but not old enough to be an adult. I can do more things than I used to when I was a kid, but somehow, I still feel restricted because of my parents’ expectations. The teenager phase is the moment where you want to explore about your identity and other people, but your situation is really not allowing you to do that. You’re stuck in a box, unable to break free.

I’ve also had some self-harming thoughts when I was a teenager. I remember being 16 or 17, and around every month, I’d have thoughts of wanting to die. I felt that living was a pain: “What’s the point of living when I keep feeling so much pain?” It’s kind of interesting because I was not in a situation where I was struggling; my family was just a normal Asian household. But I still felt pain. I still wished to die…and this persisted on up until I entered university.

It’s kind of funny when you mentioned that you feel like you’re faking it–because that’s what I thought, too. I was still able to draw, eat and sleep just fine. I really thought that I was just being whiny and emotional, that I needed to try harder to cope with my struggles. It was only a year after I graduated university that I decided to get diagnosed by a psychiatrist, all because my online friend highlighted to me that “medicine is expensive but it’s worth it over wanting to die once a month.” I got medicated and life is so much easier when I don’t have to use up my energy to fight against my depression.

Now, I’m able to do this because 1) I’m working and have the disposable income to do so and 2) I live alone so I don’t have to deal with my parents’ questioning. I understand that you’re still a minor and I assume you’d prefer your parents not knowing about this. Personally, I’ve used Crest-YOUTH to go take free counselling. You can probably find one that is close to your location, I do believe they have several locations.

You’ve mentioned you’ve had thoughts of suicidal ideation, and I’ve been there. It’s really tough, and I feel like you have a lot of turbulent emotions inside of you. Even after getting medicated, sometimes I still have those thoughts when things are dire. I can’t promise that things will be easier as you grow older, but I do know one thing for sure: things will get better. I know, it may be quite hard to believe so, but I genuinely believed that my life would get worse back in university. “If my life is not going to get any better than this, I might as well just die right now and end this suffering already,” is what I had thought. But I believe that humans are more resilient and stronger than they think.

I like to do this thing where on a mundane day, I look at little things in life. On my way back home, maybe I would notice some wild chickens on the road. Maybe I look up at the sky and it’s grey, but the air is so cool and refreshing. Maybe I notice a new shop opening in the mall that I frequently go. It’s a pretty fun thing to do, and it reminds me that life has more things to offer than just suffering.

I wish you the best, OP. May good things come in your life, and wishing you all the happiness <3