Im currently in my first year of uni. My family has been unstable for years, so bad to the point my sisters and I needed a PPO against my parents and my brother due to physical abuse growing up.
Throughout my secondary school + poly years I spent so much time to relearn social habits, how to regulate my emotions, how to stop having unhealthy habits, self esteem, confidence, literally anything that parents should be open teaching or assisting their children when faced difficulties but no I had to learn everything by myself since nobody taught me or my sisters. My older sister faced depression and anxiety and generally her mental health took the biggest hit from this and so I also have to sort of manage her episodes too. ALL OF THIS took a huge toll on my body, physically and emotionally, I can barely focus on assignments, even worse when I was overseas for internship it created a small breathing period for me for the first time in my life.
I generally have no hope rekindling/be understanding to my parents, yes they sacrificed alot, but tbh its still their choice for birthing so many kids at least take responsibilities and not force me to be a grown adult at 6 years old to solve adult conflict. I feel unheard in this environment, I feel constraint in this environment, I want to move out yet I have no where to run. Rents is expensive, Extended families are all toxic. My only best shot is finishing my degree and to move out. Im only on my first year, I feel so suffocated yet I still want to do well for my studies.
I want to still have a healthy relationship with my older sister yet she still want to sit there and torment my parents further/to stroke the flame longer and longer, while to me, I basically gave up being heard and understood, I limited my conversations with my parents basically cuz for 20 years they still could barely know their children’s likes and dislikes and other basic information. Feels like whatever effort I placed in this family for majority of my life to play mediator did nothing but caused immense trauma for me and I don’t want to waste my energy on this anymore.
What you’ve been carrying since you were a child is immense, and the fact that you’ve rebuilt yourself alone, from emotional regulation to social skills to self-worth, while also managing your sister’s episodes and playing family mediator for years, is something that deserves to be acknowledged. You were handed adult responsibilities as a child, and the toll that takes is tremendous and real.
The clarity you have now though, choosing to step back from the mediator role, limiting conversations with your parents, recognising where your energy is actually going is hard-won wisdom. You’re not obligated to keep pouring into a dynamic that has never poured back into you.
The tension you have with your sister makes sense too and I can see how this may be frustrating for you. You’ve reached a point where you’ve consciously decided that engaging further just isn’t worth the cost to you, and then watching your sister do the opposite can feel like being pulled back into a fire you’ve worked hard to step away from.
The thing is, your sister is probably still in a phase where she needs the conflict to feel heard, or to get some kind of acknowledgement that what happened was wrong. That’s a valid place to be, even if it’s not where you are anymore. You’ve just arrived at a different conclusion that the acknowledgement you needed was never going to come from your parents, so you stopped waiting for it. She hasn’t gotten there yet, and I think it’ll take some time too.
I want to point out that the internship giving you that first real breathing room tells you that you already know what it feels like to function without all this weight. That’s worth holding onto. Moving out after your degree is a real goal, even if it feels far right now.
If you haven’t already, your university’s counselling services might be worth reaching out to. I believe that you deserve a space where someone is genuinely there for you, for once.
I do believe its possible to see the end of this, i just need to power through another 4 years of this. I just want to have a good relationship with my sister, yet I felt so unheard from her, she tells me im at fault for not backing her up, im at fault for not taking sides, easily turning my words against her, changing the whole purpose of my words. I feel like if I said something, she might use suici de as a guilt tripping way. She has done it before, I have been hurt before, but I still believe its still possible to have a good relationship with her, but at the same time I feel im not doing myself justice if I continue
What you’re describing with your sister is really hard, wanting a genuine relationship with her while also recognising that the dynamic right now is hurting you. That must really sting.
On the suicide mentions, even if past experiences make you doubt the intent, I urge you to treat every mention by your sister seriously, okay? Letting her know that you care about her and asking her if she is safe, is enough too. If you genuinely believe she’s in danger, call 999.
On the broader relationship, you can want closeness with her and still decide that the current dynamic where your words get twisted and you’re blamed for not taking sides, isn’t something you’ll keep absorbing. Stepping back from that isn’t giving up on her. It’s just engaging differently, on terms that don’t cost you so much.
How do you think you’d like to engage with her moving forward to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and at the same time still keep the door open for a healthier relationship with her in the future?
tbh I dont have an answer for this, back when I wrote the first post, the current night there was a dispute between my brother and her (they had bad blood with each other for many years and my sisters and I faced physical abuse from him). I was the one who was always forced to be the middle to prevent further physical fights. Yea police was called and ruled out a social worker is necessary to intervene again (this is gna be the 2nd time)
I am also actively seeking help for myself (waiting for my counselling session with my uni counsellor) and also ig I do hope the social worker would help me untangle some unhealthy boundaries I am tying myself to my sister unintentionally. But us sisters are already making a habit to communicate to each other at the end of the night to clear doubts and get a clearer perspective of each other.
