Hey @wannagetbetter ,
If you’ve been consistently surrounded by people who talk about how much they hate life or themselves, that becomes your reference point. When most of the examples around you reinforce struggle and disappointment, your mind naturally uses that as evidence. It starts to feel rational, “See? This is just what life is like.” That is repeated exposure clearly shapes belief.
Ten years of that would wear anyone down and for a very long time.
It also makes sense that good moments don’t outweigh the hard ones if your overall environment keeps confirming the same message. Our brain looks for patterns. If the pattern has mostly been pain, it will protect itself by assuming more pain is coming. That protection can look like hopelessness.
Nothing can undo what you’ve experienced. The past decade is real. But doing the same mental loops, staying in the same kinds of conversations, and expecting a different internal outcome wouldn’t be realistic either. If anything is going to feel different, the input somewhere has to shift even slightly. That might mean gradually changing what you expose yourself to, who you listen to, what narratives you allow to take root. When exposure shifts, perspective slowly shifts too. Not instantly. But steadily.
You also mentioned not trusting therapists. I’m not going to push you to change that view. If you’ve had experiences that felt unhelpful or dismissive, that would naturally create doubt. It might help, though, to understand how you came to the conclusion that “talking won’t help.” Was it one experience? Several? A mismatch in approach? Sometimes the issue isn’t that help is useless, but that the fit wasn’t right.
When you describe your entire personality as terrible, I hear someone who has been under prolonged strain. Long-term exhaustion can make people more withdrawn, irritable, numb, or self-critical. Those states can feel like identity, but they are often responses to stress rather than fixed traits.
For now, the most important thing is safety. If your “what’s the point” thoughts ever move toward wanting to harm yourself, please reach out immediately, SOS 1767 or National Mindline 1771 are available anytime in Singapore. You don’t need to decide whether life is worth it to make that call. It’s just about staying safe in the moment.
And one more thing, your name here is wannagetbetter. Even in the middle of all this doubt, that part of you still showed up. That matters. I t suggests that somewhere under the exhaustion, there is still a small orientation toward change. Maybe we don’t need to decide if life is worth it today. Maybe we just stay close to that part of you that wants things to be different, even if it’s quiet right now.