i feel like i want to kill myself, but not because i actually want to die, but because i feel like i cannot do anything anymore. I have like 6 assignments that i barely started on due next month and i don’t know where to start. i’m on vacation right now but my family got into a really really big argument to the point where i literally don’t know where my grandmother is anymore. she has all her things, including her passport, and idk if she killed herself, travelled somewhere else randomly, or is never coming back. my family is very worried and concerned for her safety, and guilty that they didn’t do anything sooner. on top of that, i feel like i cannot even open my laptop to do my work anymore. the thought of just starting is tooooooo daunting, like i open my laptop, log in, see my homework, and just cry. the first time this happened was like 6 months ago and i thought it was okay, i even went to the counsellor in school to ask for help, and it worked, but only for a week max. i can’t go to my family for help bcs they’ve got other things to deal with, and they are the the types of people to think of solutions first then sympathise. i can’t go to my friends because i feel like since they keep telling me how lucky i am and how they want to live my life so badly, i feel like such a ■■■■■■ and arrogant person going to them with my problems. They also have they’re own problems to deal with and i wouldn’t want to force them to help me with mine. honestly, i feel like im beyond crying at this point, im just numb. my life is not bad, and im very lucky to not have to worry about money or anything, so i feel even worse for complaining. I used to be smart, responsible, and on top of my duties and homework, i have NEVER submitted anything late before until like a month ago. i have friends, and everytime i hang out with them i try to be happy, but sometimes i say smt too mean or too depressing and i just feel even more like ■■■■ after. i have still not started on the assignments they they have finished already and i want to go to them for help but i feel like i cant. at this point, i don’t even know how im coping and how i can even START on everything. i just want to die, it get drunk, or addicted to smt stupid, just to take my mind off of everything, but i’m an international student, so if i do anything my family will waste so much money, and i might expelled. i don’t actually want to ruin my life further, i just want everything to stop. i guess i do still have some hope that things might be better, thats why im writing this. honestly, i feel like this forum is the only form of comfort i have left now. im so, so sad but for some reason i force myself to act happy and it’s so tiring
Hi @user9794 , it sounds like you’ve been really engulfed with so many things at once - your grandma being MIA & your assignments piling up, and it may feel like everything is out of control to the point where you may think of things that may not be as helpful (as you mentioned). I’m concerned when you say you want to die / get addicted to sth / get drunk - and am wondering if you’re actively planning to do it…?
Also… from your post I can really feel how overwhelmed you are… and wanted to let you know that it’s possible to take things one at a time, even small acts, can add up 
regarding the assignments… I feel you…sometimes when I see the people around me completing them already while I’m not even halfway, it makes me feel quite demoralized 
Wanted to ask…what are some things you do to cope, and how did you pace yourself in the past?
I know that deep down, you would want things to turn out for the better, yet you’re really tired… and just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone… is there anything we can do for you in this moment?
Pls reach out if you need a listening ear 
Take care okay? And you don’t have to fake out your emotions… it’s okay to feel sad & express that…you’d feel better than suppressing those emotions 
Hey @user9794,
I want to slow this moment down with you for a bit. I hear that the thoughts about wanting to die aren’t because you actually want your life to end, but because everything feels impossible to carry right now. That distinction matters. It tells me you’re overwhelmed, not giving up.
You’re dealing with more than just school. Your family is in the middle of a serious crisis, you don’t know if your grandmother is safe, and at the same time your assignments are stacking up. Anyone in that position would feel stuck. Not being able to open your laptop, freezing or crying when you try, that’s what happens when stress overloads your system.
I also want to say this clearly: feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or that you don’t “deserve” support. Having certain privileges doesn’t cancel out pain. If anything, the guilt that comes with it can make things heavier.
Even in how you wrote this, there are signs that part of you is still holding on:
You know these thoughts are about wanting everything to stop, not wanting to die.
You’re aware of the consequences and you don’t want to make things worse.
You said there’s still some hope things might improve and that’s why you’re here.
You’ve reached out more than once, even when it’s hard.
And you’re using this forum because you want to stay connected and supported.
That takes effort, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
You don’t need to solve your assignments or make plans today. Right now, what matters most is that you’re safe and there’s someone with you. If there’s one safe adult or professional you can contact: a counsellor, lecturer, or student support staff, letting them know you’re not coping is not burdening them. It’s asking for help when things are genuinely too much.
You don’t have to pretend you’re okay here. For now, staying, breathing, and letting someone else share the weight with you is enough.
I’m really glad you wrote again and please speak to the counsellor again.
@user9794 hey there, it sounds like you have soo much on your plate right now and i hear you 
Please correct me if i’m wrong, but to me, it sounds like you are feeling extremely overwhelmed and burnt out right now. I would just like to say that yes, while there are many things to be grateful for in life, there is nothing wrong with expressing your sorrows as well! It does not make you an ungrateful or “bad” person for doing so, you are allowed to feel these things as well! I can definitely empathise with the feeling of being “stuck” and unable to complete assignments when you used to be a high-achiever. I have gotten to learn that this state of ‘freeze’ comes from feelings of overwhelm and pursuing academics with a perfectionist mindset. The hardest thing when it comes to assignments is starting - perhaps you can try breaking down your tasks for each assignment into the smallest of parts? It can be as simple as writing down the deadlines for each of your 6 upcoming assignments. Then, focus on the one with the earliest due date. Write down what you need to plan, then do the planning. Next, you can write out the assignment section by section. Sometimes the best way to trick your mind into getting that boost of dopamine to keep you going can be to set small, easy to accomplish goals. I know you can do it! Keep going 