I wish my family wasn't like this...

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My family is a typical Asian family that shows tough love. My childhood wasn’t fantastic and I been through a lot when I am growing up. I always know that I lacked of confidence in myself, I don’t know is it because of my life event or my family experience I been through etc. I am a middle child that has middle child syndrome hahaha. I always feel that my parents don’t love me and care about me because I am not smart compared to my 2 siblings, and always bring F in my primary school days. But when I grow up, I finally understand a lot of things as an adult, being sensible, trying to forgive my parents for many things, yet I still struggle a lot. I guess my hurt is really deep in my heart, a wound that can’t be heal…

My family always fight and argue about things related to mahjong, smoke and space etc, can be anything. It was very traumatizing till now, everytime my parents or my younger siblings play mahjong I feel so annoyed and frustrated. I can’t sleep because it’s so noisy as they play in the kitchen quite loudly at night. We also argue about this and they are upset about it why they can’t play? It’s their house. I never say cannot play but they can play in the day but not during the sleeping hours as I need to sleep and work the next day, I am a light sleeper too.

My dad used to play almost everyday like he’s full time job. He drives taxi previously, but now grab. I always tolerate the mahjong session at night until when I grew much older where I start to know what I dislike/like/hate etc. I will go out of the house and wait until a certain timing when they are finish playing. Everytime coming back home, it gives me the feel of a gambling den, a house full of unhappiness, I don’t like going back home till now, I hate being at home… because my house is not a place for me to rest.

Our house is quite small, a 3 room flat, everyone needs their own space to do things as me and my siblings is in our 20s and 30s currently, yet my younger siblings bring the partner to stay at my house almost everyday is their house. Me and my elder siblings hated to much and we quarrel with my parents asking my younger partner don’t come our house to stay so often. My dad will asks us to move out if we feel unhappy, this is my house but my elder siblings is the one paying the HDB loan mortgage as my dad thinks is what she supposed to do because he brought her up and supply her studies etc. My dad always side my younger siblings and finds he never do anything wrong, we are just creating arguments/fights unnecessarily with him, and he always say “Why you all like to fight? I very tired you know, I very old already”, but yet he saying hurtful things to me and elder silbings without failed but not my younger one. How I wish my mum will step in more and help the situation but she didn’t, and let it be. My dad always say he don’t have biaseness towards all his children, but we clearly can see my dad words, action all biased towards my younger siblings. Now, he’s totally spoiled as he things he got my parents to back him up whenever problems arise.

After our family fight, I will keep crying and crying like non stop like tap water, I feel so hurtful and always wonder why am I like this? I never do anything wrong, why am I behaving like this? But now, I want to stop crying and don’t want to care so much and live my own life but it’s seem so hard, can someone advise me how can I overcome this and don’t let affect me?

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Hi, I’ve heard similar experiences with my church mates. I can roughly sympathise with your experience. You ok to chill out for coffee? Can bring a friend along to listen too?

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Hi @lifeissotough

Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It’s clear how much you’ve been carrying for so long, and I want to acknowledge how difficult it must have been for you to share this. It sounds like you’ve been navigating a lot of challenges within your family, from feeling overlooked to living in an environment that doesn’t feel restful or supportive. These are heavy burdens, and your feelings are valid.

You mentioned wanting to stop crying and not letting these issues affect you as much. That’s a powerful step—it shows your strength and determination to control your emotional well-being. Let’s explore how you might create some space for yourself, even within a challenging environment.

One approach is to think about boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off but about finding ways to protect your energy. For example, if the late-night noise is a significant trigger, could you explore earplugs, white noise, or even discussing a compromise about the timing with your family? It’s okay to advocate for your needs—you deserve rest and peace.

You also talked about feeling like you’re crying “like tap water” after family fights. It might help to have a soothing ritual for those moments—something that helps you process your emotions, like journaling, taking a short walk, or even listening to calming music. These small acts can be grounding and remind you that your feelings matter.

Lastly, I hear your wish to live your own life without being so affected by family dynamics. That’s a journey, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But every small step—whether it’s focusing on your personal goals, finding supportive friends outside your family, or even seeking moments of joy—brings you closer to that.

Remember, it’s okay to seek support, whether from a counsellor, a trusted friend, or even online communities where others understand your experiences. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough. Let’s take it one step at a time—what’s one small thing you could do today to take care of yourself?

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Hello @FuYuan_Affections,

Thank you so much for taking your time to read my story and write to me! Really appreciated it! :pray:t2:

I tried wearing earplugs, it doesn’t really work and is not a long term plan as it will be quite harmful to my ears I suppose? My elder siblings and I tried to talk parents and younger siblings, they don’t really listen and thinks that we are being selfish. We tried to talk to them nicely, explained to them, many different methods but it’s always so hard to change someone mindset. They don’t want to listen and keep bringing up the past, haven’t moved on from it, where I am focusing on presents moment. Our emotions build up quickly and we will shout and fight. Sometimes me and my elder siblings feel that my family is really on our nerve, we will do things that makes them know we are angry… Overall, my family just thinks me and my elder siblings is crazy and being unreasonable.

Yes, I am doing things you mentioned like walking, running etc. It does help me a lot and improve my emotions better than before, but I believe I have still a long way to go without feeling negative and want to give up on my life. It’s really hard and I find life is so complicated…

I will work hard to find my peace in doing what I can, and be a stronger person by taking baby steps… Like going out for a walk alone and being in library that’s quiet…

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Hi, thank you for your invite but I am not comfortable. So sorry! :pray:t2:

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Firstly, @lifeissotough sending you love :heart: cos I know how it feels to have our spatial needs be overlooked.

In my opinion, this seems like a problem which a pair of earplugs can solve cos I myself have got to handle a similar situation on a daily basis. Trust me, I know how it hurts to feel ignored in such a situation.

All I have got to say, is that unfortunately there is no specific survival guide available in the market to suggest from. Maybe both of us could collaborate and publish one in the future. :face_with_monocle:

Remember these important rules that have come in useful:

  1. Respect your boundaries, even if no one else respects them.
  • call out harmful or uncomfortable behaviour
  • if possible leave the premises.
  • enforce your boundaries by stressing on the facts.
  1. remember to take good care of your physical state of being

The following link has some general guidelines to solving similar problems, so feel free to visit this site.

You’ll get through this!

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Thank you for sharing more about how you’re doing—it really means a lot that you’ve opened up. I can sense the strength and effort you’re putting into finding ways to cope, even when things at home feel so overwhelming. You’re taking important steps to care for yourself, like walking, running, and creating peaceful moments for yourself, and that’s truly commendable.

You’re absolutely right—changing someone else’s mindset is incredibly hard, especially when they are focused on the past or see your concerns as unreasonable. It can feel defeating when communication leads to shouting or being dismissed. You’ve been trying tirelessly to foster understanding, and that shows how much you care about creating harmony, even when it feels like a one-sided effort.

I understand that wearing earplugs may not be sustainable long-term, especially if they aren’t fully effective. Another approach might be to explore other ways to create a calming bedtime routine. For example, listening to soothing sounds like white noise or soft music could help mask the noise while promoting relaxation.

It’s inspiring to hear that you’re focusing on the present and finding strength through activities like walking or spending time in quiet spaces like the library. These “baby steps” are powerful—they help build a sense of control and peace, even when the environment feels chaotic.

If the fights at home continue to affect you deeply, one thing you might consider is journaling about your emotions. This can help you process feelings without them building up inside. Writing can also serve as a safe outlet when family conversations become too frustrating. Over time, journaling can help you see patterns and remind you of your own growth and resilience.

Life’s complications can feel heavy, but you are demonstrating incredible resilience by finding ways to navigate through it all. Remember, it’s okay to feel tired or overwhelmed, and it’s okay to rest when you need to. Healing and finding peace is not a linear process, but every step you take—even the small ones—makes a difference.

Take each step with confidence. We are here if you need someone to talk to or brainstorm more ways to help you find your inner calm. Be kind to yourself—you deserve that! :star2:

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So sorry u are going thru this :(( Mine dun do mahjong but the old ■■■■■■■ getting worse, small matter only shouting and rude to us. Mum and me, i Hate him. And the best is done wrong, never sorry, then have gall to make demands of me! Like whats wrong w throwing away flammable stuff?
No Shame!

How old your folks? Mine is frigging mid 70s- he wun live forever but still dont die. I dun wish for more time w ■■■■■■■. My mum and bro are ok.

Have u tried asking social wkers to help? Ive got some in the past but ■■■■ wun open to let them supervise. Sigh ppl say can plan to move out but im single, its hard