My Unique Circumstance - Possible Trust Issues & Necrophobia(?)

Ask a Therapist Coping
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Hello, this is my first post ever in Mindline so here I go.

To start off, already I’m somewhat in the middle of a mental overload.

I do have a lot of baggage, remembering Death and then overall, Mortality of my relatives and to be frank, by looking back - I think I might’ve opened Pandora’s Box in my mind.
That being that I have far too many loved ones and pets included, dead before me as well as having to partake in their funerals.

It doesn’t help that I’ve had a long history of being bullied and encountered a toxic friendgroup for 3+ years, so I’m also doubt of my ability to trust people and a belief that I am too naive to the point even family can approach me for absolutely anything and as if I’m not entitled to say no - because I yearn to be a good person.

It has gotten to a point of starting to believe I’m needing to be alone
just so I don’t have to be hurt again.

This has currently extended to a moment of a close relative needing to
put her pet into my home, and I care for this pet but he is ailing and I am at a state of being unable to cope on the possibility of another loss - even though the decision is already set in stone.

As for myself, I did attempt to process it yesterday but the split second, I attempt to revisit it and my mind became blank, infuriating.

Edited to clarify and to extend to reveal more circumstances: I also believe this memory erasure can become annoying as I’d be subjected to relieving more losses as if they became my first loss so this establishes my vexation at repressing these issues unintentionally.

Not as infuriating to the point of yearning to be physical temporarily or to leave the relatives behind and attend another home or stay in my place of education for longer just to avoid the pain.

As for seeking therapy officially, I’m already in IMH so I’m fine on that regard.

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Hey @user1045, I appreciate you reaching out :slight_smile:

It really takes a lot of courage to put something this layered into words, esp for the 1st time!

It really sounds like you’re carrying a great deal all at once…grief that has accumulated over many many years, the exhaustion of having your trust hurt repeatedly, and now the anticipation of yet another potential loss arriving at your doorstep…quite literally! That’s not a small thing at all :frowning: The fact that your mind went black when you tried to revisit yesterday makes a lot of sense. Sometimes, our minds protect us from what it isn’t quite ready to hold yet.

The part you shared about wanting to be alone, not out of preference but as a way to stop being hurt…really stood out to me. It sounds less of wanting to distance from people and more of being tired of being in pain? Those are quite different things, and it’s worth sitting with that distinction when you feel ready.

It’s really clear that you have a lot of care in you! For your relative, for her pet, for the people around you. That care is real and it matters greatly :slight_smile: And it’s okay to extend the same care to yourself, including the right to feel overwhelmed by this.

I’m glad you’re already connected with IMH!

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Hello there.

Thank you for reaching out to me - I’m happy to receive your response.

Although I may not retrieve her pet due to an emergency surgery as supposed to, I am plagued of the possibility that I may not be able to cope sufficiently in regards to my grief.

I admit my fright in potentially believe that I am carved to be an object of only being called just to have others take my time for their matters and push their grief and collective matters upon me regardless of my say and as prior of due to my trust issues, it does feel like as if the only time I can spend being satisfied is being by myself (It isn’t bad by nature but on the concept that being around others is just more painful).

To that I am also disturbed, that my current circumstance is only just a road to the next loss, essentially where the next loss or moment of distrust is effectively around the next corner - the next benchmark of a portion of myself could be stolen: Thus a kind of dread, If I am to feel without the proximity, I can recover without risk.

And tying back to the opened Pandora’s Box - Judging by my misfortune that is my collective past, it is. . Uncertain that I’ll be setting myself up for the next hurt around others or even myself. Although, it does start to make question how I am still coherent like this.

Currently, due to this - I’m also asking for more appointments for IMH through HealthHub, I’m also recommended journaling, which I take in and do on the occasion.

Perhaps I can also estimate that this is less of a barbed wired fence, but more of a forest of ivy.

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Hey @user1045 :slight_smile:

The image of a forest of ivy rather than a barbed wire fence…that’s a rly perceptive way to put it! Shows that it doesn’t cut sharply all at once, but entangles slowly and quietly, from many directions at once.

What you’re describing, the sense that being around others almost inevitably leads to another loss or hurt sounds really exhausting…Not because you don’t want connection, but because experience has taught you repeatedly that connection comes with a cost :frowning: And when the costs keep accumulating, the instinct to withdraw isn’t weakness. It’s kind of a self-preservation!

The dread that the next loss is always around the corner is worth paying attention to. It rly sounds like grief and the anticipatory anxiety have become almost indistinguishable for you right now, where even the present moment is shadowed by what might come next. That’s a heavy way to move through the world…

And yet…you’re still here! Still reaching out, still taking steps like requesting for more IMH appointments and journalling. You asked how you’re still coherent through all of this…I think the coherence is telling you smth about your own resilience, even if it doesn’t feel that way from the inside!

Is the journalling helping?

And I’m also wondering, when you imagine what recovery might look like for you, not a full resolution, just a little more breathing room…what comes to mind?

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Hi, @reassuredshiba

Thank you for responding to me.

I suppose in a sense it does feel like a self-preservation - yet at the same time given the history, it seem as if I’m worn down after being forced to partake in these events and go through the potential agony all for the sake of my relatives and those who ask. The coherence also does feel like a temporary limiter to demand others to leave me be and an enabler to this feeling of only being called for demanding something that needs my emotional bandwidth or something painful I have be exposed to upclose without any say or form of verbal consent.

The journaling does help but only to a slight extent, and due to my now recurring my brain fog does shut down any possible details to jot down and it irks me, still leaving me alone with negative emotions boiling within - until it feels like the only way to solve the problem is to explode and force others to stop pushing that emotional tension onto me as if a tsunami just itching to push out.

I am still waiting for IMH to get back to me - so far, they’ve yet to have a response and my issue not tense enough to bleed into reality to where A&E or 995 are desperately needed. I’m just only waiting for an early appointment.

As for my recovery, I am not entirely sure what could count, if anything - it feels as if the only way I can have any semblance of recovery is to segregate myself from others for hours upon days - Nothing to be asked of, nothing to be mentally tortured by, nothing to be reminded of.

It does give off a bleak summary that every interaction that I’ve had has, in a lack of a better term, failed with only experience left behind, not knowing where to take it forward and only knowing: what doesn’t work and what isn’t worth.