Hi, I’d like to share about what I’ve been going through.
I’m 15 and currently in an elite school. Since I was young, people have always called me smart, but I don’t always feel that way. I think I’m both confident and insecure at the same time. I procrastinate a lot. I only start doing things at the last minute. I hate studying, but before exams I suddenly feel a rush of motivation to work hard.
This year (Sec 3), everything got much worse. I used to get all A1s, but now I’ve failed one subject (49/100), barely passed a few (53–55), and my highest ones are around 67–73. I feel like I’ve completely lost control and motivation.
I started feeling like this a long time ago, but this year everything just burst out. My friend’s mum once said she was worried because I never smile anymore. I feel tired, unmotivated, and empty almost 24/7. I usually sleep around 4–5 am on weekends or 2–3 am on school days. My eating habits are all over the place, sometimes I eat too much, sometimes too little, sometimes I feel like vomiting.
There are times when I’ve wanted to hurt myself, like cutting or jumping from a high place, but I always stop because I think about my family and friends, and how they’d feel if I was gone.
My parents actually care a lot about me. My dad tries to control his temper, and my mum always tries to comfort me even when I screw up. My brother quietly tries to make me feel better too. But somehow, I still feel suffocated at home. I get stressed just being around my parents, even though they don’t scold me much. I hate seeing their disappointment. Sometimes I’d rather they just yell at me so I can get it over with. My mum’s nagging also gets to me, I know she means well, but it feels like she’s stepping into my space.
This whole year, I’ve been lashing out a lot. First at my parents, then sometimes at teachers. Once at a friend too. I feel disgusted with myself for that. I think I dislike her because she keeps following me around, but I still feel bad for feeling that way. I feel like I am a hypocrite. Well, perhaps I am.
I have friends, but sometimes I still feel really lonely even when I’m with them. When someone I’m not close with joins the group, I freeze up and don’t know what to say. I just stay quiet and feel left out. I don’t think anyone treats me like their best friend and maybe I don’t treat anyone that way either, but it still hurts to feel ignored.
I just want to stop feeling so lost and lazy. I know why I keep running away from things, but I can’t seem to control myself. I want to feel like my life has meaning again, but it’s so hard. Every day feels suffocating. I keep comparing myself to others, and I feel like I’m never good enough. Even when I try to join conversations, people go quiet, and I feel like I’m just awkward or “uncool.”
I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me. I just know I don’t want to keep living like this. Being constantly stressed, guilty, and empty. I sincerely hope therapy can help me figure out what’s really happening in my head and how to start feeling better again. Because I want to be a better person for those who really care for me.
