I’m in a situation where I have an agreement with my ex to see if we can get back together within a year. During this year he wants me to change and be better, like being better at communication and also being able to do simple things that are expected in a relationship. At this time he is also trying n things out with someone new and we’ve had talks about how she gets along with him better and they don’t have problems like we do, and she doesn’t bring out the bad sides of him like I do. I don’t know what to do because I know this situation is weighing on me but I don’t know if I should be mentally stronger and be able to handle it or how I can handle the fear of being abandoned and all the insecurities from being compared to this new person. I don’t know if I’m self sabotaging and being overly negative or is the situation really negative. But I want to be able to get through this period
Hi @focusedcamelia5409, thank you for taking your time to write in to Let’s Talk! It sounds really painful what you’re experiencing especially being in a situation where you are asked to improve yourself while he explores a relationship with someone and where he is making comparisons between you and her. It does not sound like a neutral or balanced one.
The fear and insecurity you are feeling is not a sign that you are weak or self sabotaging. It is a response to a situation that is quite hard on a person’s sense of worth. Being compared to someone else, being told she brings out better sides of him while you are trying to find your way back to him, that is a lot for anyone to carry. The question of whether you should be “mentally stronger and handle it” is something you have to think carefully. Resilience and emotional strength are valuable things. But there is a lot of difference between building strength and enduring something that is hurting you. Strength is not the same as tolerance for pain.
Some things you can ask yourself honestly is what does getting back together actually look like at the end of the year given everything? What would you be returning to? And separately, are the things he is asking you to change thing is what you want for yourself?
I would really encourage you to speak to someone so that you can have the space to work through this with someone trained to support you. What you are going through is complex enough that you deserve proper support. Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone 
I can leave some resources here for you to consider:
- You can reach out to National Mindline by calling 1771 or WhatsApp them at 6669-1771. They have trained counsellors round the clock to support you