Personal issues??

[user0662]

Hello! I’m seeking advice on what to do. I’m not really sure if this should be under this tag so I apologise in advance if I have placed it wrongly.

I have had these thoughts for a while now and have been trying to sort it out myself but it only makes me feel worse. A friend of mine introduced me to this website saying it might help so now I’m here. To start off, I don’t know why, but I have always felt like I didn’t fit in with my friends. I never understood their humour but I always just acted like I do because they’re my friends. When my friends rant to me, I am always unsure of what to reply so I usually just listen and reply things I’ve heard other say. I’m not sure if I’m just too stupid to understand or if this is a lack of empathy but I want to know if there’s something I can do about it? Or is this a universal experience too?

Additionally, I am growing more irritated by each of my friends recently. Usually, when we have disagreements I am rather patient with them. I get annoyed by a lot of things easily so I would only tell my friends about the issues if it really bugs me. If it is a small thing, I would just brush it off and act like everything is fine. Even when I am upset, I try to stay calm and just let them know. However, I feel like no matter what I do, they aren’t appreciative of me. It makes me upset because I feel like they’re taking me for granted and not acknowledging my efforts to be a good friend. I have very conflicting inner thoughts and it is hard to sought it out. On one hand, I feel like a bad person for thinking so badly of my friends, but I also want to be a good person, and someone they can trust. On the other hand, I am upset that I have to be the one to hold onto our friendships and feel like they don’t deserve me. I’ve never told any of my friends this because I’m afraid they’ll see me as fake and then not want to be my friend anymore.

Moreover, I tend to befriend those who are more useful to me (eg academically they do well, so they can help me with what I do not understand; they are able to communicate well, so they can help me talk) and lose interest in them when I no longer have that. Back to the two sides of me, I have two thoughts about this too. For one, I don’t feel bad for doing this because I feel like they might be doing the same too. But on the second hand, I think I am a piece of ■■■■ and an asshole for doing this and to be using someone like this. I never really had friends who care about me enough to feel threatened by my guilt tripping and threatens to leave then and the one time I did, I over did it just for fun and we ended up not being friends anymore. I now recognise this as manipulation and try to not do it anymore, I am not proud of this and is only writing it to give more insights. I am concerned if I might have any underlying conditions, so that I can better understand myself to learn to understand others, since I am still having issues with communicating and socialising with people.

I have friends who offered to hear me out and promise I can be myself around them and they won’t judge, but I don’t really know who really is myself. I’d like to see myself as the nice person who tries to understand others and call myself out when being an asshole, but if I was then I wouldn’t even have that asshole side of me so I think my “true self” is the asshole part. I’m also not sure if they even mean their words because I’ve seen people who say that but it ended friendships then. What should I do? I don’t really know what I should do.

To those who read until here, thank you for your time and for you to be sitting through this.

[user6869]

Hello!

Just want to say first, based on your ability to articulate your emotions, experiences and be this self aware, you are definitely not stupid

I think that your feelings are completely valid and its great that you value your friends for who they are despite not being on the same wavelength, and still show up by attempting to be a listening ear. You seem like a deeply caring person who means well for everyone despite your differences, and thats smth you should definitely hold onto to ground yourself when you feel that you lack value as a friend

I think what is universal about your experience is not the specifity of it but your emotions and reactions towards it, the insecurity that you arent enough when you want to do things for people that matter

Can I also say, if you were truly an asshole, you would not have came here and painfully detail your entire experience so candidly, facing your shortcomings like this.

I feel that in terms of friendship, it is quite difficult to see it as a transaction that has to be equal in time, effort and energy. Because everyones capacities are different, everyones motivations are different too What you should feel in the friendship should be a sense of balance irregardless of how much time and effort each party fork out. And if you feel unbalanced, it is definitely worth to

1. Question what you value in your friends and what is your purpose in befriending them

2. Manage your expectations of the amount of emotional energy and time they should fork out and in what way accordingly

This also protects yourself from always being the one that gives too much in the name of preserving friendships, bc you are aware of your own boundaries and what you want.

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with you wanting to befriend friends who are “useful”, but the key is, you keep them around not just because they are useful, but because you care abt them and want to feel cared back. That is entirely normal and valid, because befriending people who are useful to you can encourage you to grow, and see limitations of yourself you cant see alone. Which you are clearly demonstrating now so, good job!

I think its great you acknowledge your freindship insecurity in the past that is still a part of you that drove you to do things you arent proud of. What is important is that you step forward to acknowledge it like this, that takes immense courage and is the first step to healing and growth you also need to recognise that your insecurity is the one that drove you to develop toxic protective mechanisms, and all that you did, you did it to protect yourself in the only way you knew how.

Understand this part of yourself really does help you can understand others, bc you will understand the deepest fears and insecurities that drive people.

Regarding underlying conditions, I encourage you to lay all this out plainly with a counsellor that can help you process all this in a deeper layer and maybe give you strategies on how to manage friendships and finding yourself past insecurities.

Lastly, I think that when you evaluate yourself, you discounted the existence of good intentions and impact because of the presence of selfish ones. And selfish intentions dont make you an asshole, your amount of consideration for others ironically display you are the opposite of that. All your flaws and good intentions can coexist at the same time, what better defines you is what you choose to do with them.

In being authentic and honest with yourself, you are already at the first step of growth. Everything else will fall into place after that, so keep going and keep having this courage!

[CaringBee]

Dear @user0662

Thank you for writing in with so much honesty and clarity. I can see how determined you are to improve yourself and to be a better person. I sense you are reflective, thoughtful and caring, too. Understandably you are tired. I am glad you wrote in taking this first step towards your desired direction.

May I recommend the following for your consideration:

Start by steadying yourself: quietly name what’s true. For example “This is a lot; my feelings make sense.” Take a slow minute to breathe out longer than you breathe in, unclench your jaw and shoulders, and handle one basic need (water, snack, quick stretch) before you engage with anyone.

When a friend vents and you’re unsure what to say, keep it simple and real. Try: “That sounds rough. It sounds like you needed more support. Do you want me to just listen, or help brainstorm?” This Feel → Need → Ask line lets you be genuine without performing.

If tension rises, lead with care and hold a limit. “I care about us. I need calm. I’m stepping away now.” If someone insists you do it their way: “I hear you. I’m not doing it that way. Let’s agree to disagree.” If they reach for your private life: “Thanks for caring. I’m keeping that private.” If they want you to mediate: “I know you want this solved. May I recommend a counsellor or mediator as I believe they would help more.” Say it once, and then act on it. For example, end the chat, change the topic or take a break.

About your worries that you are “using” people, I suggest to bring it into the open and make it fair: “You explain things really clearly. I also want to value-add and offer to contribute to the group by sharing notes or proofreading”. If you catch yourself pushing, repair it: “I pushed there unnecessarily and I am sorry. I respect your decision to say no.”

Give yourself a tiny rhythm you can keep. Each day, do one real reply using that Feel → Need → Ask sentence, and one small check-in with yourself. Twice a week, choose one person who treats you well and spend time with them. Once a week, set one boundary and follow through kindly.

You don’t have to decide who your “true self” is. Let your values steer your next choice. If you’re aiming for honesty, kindness, and growth, mindfully work on practising them in your actions. Start small so it’s not too overwhelming and be kind to yourself as you slowly learn new approaches.

If you feel stuck in numbness or feel unsafe, please reach out to someone you trust or a counsellor soon. Otherwise, keep it gentle and small: steady yourself, speak simply, act once, and let that be enough. Inch forward, with one tiny change at a time in the chosen direction.