Hi, because I am Young, I would just like to get views from more experienced people. I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, but when me and my ex first started dating I wasn’t in a really good state. I had an eating disorder, and in overall just a very anxious partner. After the breakup, I blocked them because they posted stuff about finding others attractive and how free they felt without me, never took accountability for how it might’ve hurt me while questioning me for blocking them. I’ve done a lot of character growth on myself. I feel like I’ve become a much better person, I am now more independent, I ate normal, I don’t hurt myself anymore, and reflected a lot about the relationship. Although me and my ex are the same age, I am much more mature than them, they even said it themselves. I was certainly a bad influence, I regret meeting them when I was in that state.
Two days ago, after 2 weeks of not checking their account and trying to find myself, I grew the courage to see how my ex was doing. They were on TikTok live talking with others till 3:00 a.m. in the morning, they never had that energy for me. They were so thoughtful with their words, but when talking about me, they called me mentally ill, that the relationship was chaotic, and they’re never going to date someone like me again. It hurt, I mean. I did a lot of reflection and I felt that they’re emotions were really valid. I got the urge to message them and apologize. The chat was normal, they were asking about me, how I was doing, my interests etc. But when I apologized, saying “I understand I was more mature and I was a bad influence, I should have never let someone else feel like they were burdened by how I feel. I should have asked for space and help myself. The reason why I messaged you after the live ended was because I’m shocked by the way you see me, I affected you from being what’s normal to you I’m truly sorry. Talking to me or reading my stuff doesn’t bring you Joy I know, it’s because we went through so much we realized we weren’t compatible since we met. I understand if you do not want to have this deep conversation.” They just replied with “I don’t know what to say” it has always been like that, I want to address a problem but they will never engage and say they’re tired. Yesterday, I felt stressed because all I could think about is what our relationship meant. Were we friends? Am I just a comfort item they can randomly throw away? So I sent a final message “I’m feeling uncertain about how we are now. From what I’m seeing, you’re talking to me for comfort without needing to bear the responsibility of stuff right? Talking to you is really nice and all, but the thing is I’m not the type of person able to just carry the anxiety in me, I hope you can understand I’m suffering and stressed out about this. I’m really troubled on what to do-do I leave you alone to save myself? Or do I stay and feel confused about how you feel and guess everything? I guess I have my answer, I can’t force someone to like me right? I can’t force someone to suddenly have energy for me. I really hoped things could’ve worked out, not trying to rely on you by the way. Not your fault, not anyone’s. I’m just tired of being scared, I can’t help it, and it is not your responsibility. You said you admired me for pushing you away but we’re different. I can’t stand living in fear, and you would have kept me by your side until you finally don’t need me which by then, I would be miserable. I really love you, but to me, a relationship is just not possible anymore, don’t you think I should leave?”. They just said “uhh, it’s up to you" “do what you think is best”
I didn’t reply after that, I just accepted it. I don’t know how I should feel about this, I feel so calm and free when I’m not talking to them. At the same time though I wish they could’ve talked to me but whatever, I’ve always been the one to find them to address problems when I felt something was wrong, I’m telling myself to stop and I’m never finding them again.
That said, would you mind explaining a bit more about what you meant when you said hurt yourself?
