Scratching myself

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I have been very stressed out. I only sleep 5 to 6 hours a day due to work and I’m only eating 1 meal a day. Perhaps my body is getting used to it (?) But im no longer hungry even if i dont eat the entire day. Im constantly thinking about work, even at night when im sleeping. I cannot prioritise my health because there is an important project right now. However, i keep feeling like a failure. I kept trying but don’t seem to acheive the result that i want. It makes me even more anxious. I can’t help but think that im an absolute failure. I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go wrong.

To cope with the stress and feeling of being a failure/hopelessness, i initially scratched myself with my nails. But then as time passes, it wasn’t enough so i used the edge of the plastic instead. But then, the same issue. It wasn’t enough so i used the tip of a tweezer which is sharper. But i feel like it might continue escalating.

Its like an addiction. When i scratch myself, i feel a emotional numbness. And i crave for that state of numbness even if its momentarily. I keep feeling like i want more. This coping method feels like the only thing holding my sanity. Nothing else helps, i tried to take deep breaths, or even having a rubberband, or whatever substitutes, nothing helps at all. It only increases the urge to scratch with higher intensity which i even considered using a scissors blade instead.

I don’t have anyone to talk about this to because everyone else just tells me to suck it up with my problems. If they knew im hurting myself, they would probably think im a weakling.

I feel so hopeless.

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Hi, been thru self harm. I would like to ask u to seek help too. It helped me. I managed to change my self harm coping mechanisms to running. Takes time but works

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hi @Hemmy ,

Thank you for being honest and sharing with the community. Since you recognized that it the self-harm situation may be escalating, I would encourage you to seek professional help (there are free options available such as national mindline helpline 1771).

I would also encourage you to have more meals (you can have smaller but more frequent meals), rather than just 1 meal a day. And also sleep more! Personally, i make an effort to go to bed early, rather than spending time on my phone. You mood can potentially improve with proper nutrition and better sleep.

Please continue to reach out to the community here for support whenever you feel like it :slight_smile:

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Hey @Hemmy ,

Thank you for sharing this on this platform. It takes a lot of strength to talk about all these difficult feelings. I hear how much you’re struggling, and it must be really difficult to handle these feelings on top of work. Whatever you’re going through is valid, and it’s okay to have problems that you’ll struggle with. That’s what makes us human :slightly_smiling_face:

From what you’ve mentioned, I hear that you’re coping with your stress and feelings of being a failure with self-harm methods. If possible, would you be open to trying other ways of coping? Like engaging in small distractions, like talking to someone you’re close to or engaging in your hobbies until the urge passes? And if you feel the urge to harm yourself get stronger, please reach out to any of the crisis lines below:

  • SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1-767
  • SOS 24-hour WhatsApp Chat: 9151 1767 (Share on WhatsApp)
  • IMH ​24-hour Mental Health Helpline: 6389 2222
  • National Mindline helpline: 1771 (phone call) or +65 6669 1771 (WhatsApp).

It’s ok to reach out for help and be vulnerable. You don’t have to figure this out alone or suffer in silence. Consider seeking out professional help too. It can help you to find safer ways to handle your feelings of helplessness and stress! Know that you deserve support too :heart:

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Hey @Hemmy, thank you for reaching out and sharing with us about what you’re going through right now. I can only imagine how hard is it for you to open up, given that people around you have been telling you to suck it up.

About the feeling of failure/hopelessness, I empathise with you. From what you’ve shared, I can sense you’re facing a lot of stress in getting the project done, to the point that it is affecting your sleep, eating habits, and overall well-being. I can tell things aren’t going exactly the way you want them to, and this makes you feel like a failure, and you feel a constant worry that it’s going to get worse.

I gather that you really want to do your best, and you are placing a lot of pressure on yourself to meet those expectations. At the same time, sometimes pushing yourself too hard can have a negative impact instead. You’re trying your best already, even if things are not going well, you should not forget about the small wins that come by. It can be the simple things like showing up and being committed. You’re not a failure, because failure is about not trying at all, but you’ve been trying your best to give this a shot. Perhaps the first step you can take, is to be less harsh on yourself, and start seeing the small little things that you’ve accomplished and deserve to celebrate.

About the tendencies that you feel to engage in self-harm, I second the recommendation to get professional help given by @user1138 and @Rotovap. It’s hard for you to overcome these urges to self-harm by yourself, as it may be a coping mechanism that your brain has slowly become dependent on.

The national mindline 1771 is an option, where trained counsellors will be able to provide you with comprehensive support. You may also book a free appointment with CREST to receive psychosocial support from professionals at this website: SupportGoWhere

Remember that you’re not alone in this journey, and that there will be people willing to help you if you reach out. You’re doing well, so please don’t blame yourself for everything that isn’t going well, okay? Take things one step at a time, and we’ll be able to get through this :heart:

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Dear @Hemmy

Thank you for writing in and sharing what you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you. Your work sounds very challenging and deeply stressful, and I fully understand how much it has already affected your well being.

Firstly I’m sad to hear you are eating only one meal a day and feel no hunger. Do consider seeking support for this as not eating regularly can impact mood and mental health. Upon consultation with a doctor or nutritionist, he/she could draw up a meal schedule that you can follow. With close monitoring and regular effort, new healthier eating habits are reachable.

Secondly, I sense how much you have been hurting over the last few months resulting in the scratching habit.

To your credit, you valiantly tried to address your self harm tendencies but this has yielded limited result.

Please do seek professional mental health support, and do consider this with some urgency. Look for a therapist with experience in self harm and addiction. This consult would be very helpful in learning how to slowly incorporate healthier coping methods that replace scratching.

Please also know that community here will continue to support you in your journey. Chin up dear and stay hopeful. Take small consistent daily steps towards your goals of achieving healthier coping methods. Practise the steps often, and slowly your mind would create healthier automatic pathways, replacing the older more harmful tendencies.
You can overcome this rough patch.:yellow_heart:

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I have moments where I feel happy but most of the time I feel down and I feel like crying everyday when I’m alone. I seem to be policing my ‘happy’ moments. The moment I notice im feeling happy, i feel very strange. Strange in a way that I feel very confused. Most of the time, I feel so down and paralysed that I cant do anything at all. I can sit on the floor and daze for hours or either that, I just keep feeling the need to sleep. On a weekend, I can take up to 3 naps in an afternoon.

Yet, when I feel happy, it makes me feel very confused. I wonder if the sadness im feeling afterwards is even real. It made me question whether I’m just pretending to be ‘emo’. I hate this state of confusion. And then I start to question whether my feelings, the me who can’t seem to bring myself to work on my task, or feel this strange anxiety pooling in my stomach, making me want to cry everyday, is it fake? What if everything that I’ve ever felt is fake? I feel very confused and frustrated.

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Hi @Hemmy i actually relate to that a lot. When we’re in really dark times, the happy moments can feel like a really bright light — it’s blinding and uncomfortable.

We want to move towards the light, but it makes sense doesn’t it? To kind of be uncomfortable at first. Just like our eyes, we need time to adjust to feeling certain emotions again.

It doesn’t mean the dark moments or the brighter moments are fake. They’re all so real. But it also means that it’s okay to feel happy, and it’s okay to feel a little uncomfortable with the happiness at first. Just know that both happiness and sadness can happen in our life close together.

I hear how scary it is to feel like the happiness, and even the sadness isn’t real, or is fake. They are all valid and matter yeah?

I think a lot of people encouraged it before, and I’ll encourage again. It may be helpful to approach a professional for support. I believe in what therapy does and I want you to be able to slowly adjust to the light, together with someone so that it’s safe and you’re not alone in the process.

Sending the warmest of hugs, and if you have questions feel free to share them here

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