My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and just yesterday we had another big episode of argument. I was packing our unborn daughter’s clothes and there was a box that contains hand me down clothes. Yes a box of clothes. I do not know what the hell was wrong with me that night but i regurgitated whatever my mum told me to my wife without even thinking through. My mum had told me that the clothes in the boxes were the new clothes that we had bought my wife has said no and she had to defend her position 3 times before i decided that my mum was the wrong one. The next one hour was all hell broke lose. My wife was very triggered and even though i apologize, that did not calm her down. She proceeded to call me a mummy’s boy and told me to stay away from her and our unborn daughter , saying that both of them do not need a father and husband who is a mummy’s boy. That one hour was just her letting her emotions run havoc and using a lot of abusive language to me and at one point , she even threw a used tissue paper at me.
We eventually patch up and i keep apologizing and telling her that i will improve next time. After self reflection, i agree myself that she was hurt that as a husband i did not side with her. But then , was her use of abusive words to me justified ? I felt equally hurt at that time. And i cannot help but thinking if she was right that perhaps i should remove myself from this family. This will not be the first or last time that i would trigger her and everytime i trigger her. i get abusive words from her. Since i am the one that triggers her everytime. Perhaps should i let her go so that she wont get triggered by my words and actions anymore ? I do not want my daughter to grow up in am environment seeing her dad and mum fights and seeing her mum using abusive language.
The love bank between me and my wife is definitely bankrupt now and it seems that no matter how much i do , all it takes is just one wrong action and it bankrupts the entire love bank. I feel that i have already try my best and i am now having the thoughts of getting a divorce but i am hesitating because of my unborn daughter.
I now that i should talk to my wife and let her know how i feels but i do not want to trigger her again considering that i am not a good talker
Hello @user2557 I can tell this is weighing really heavily on you. You’re about to become a dad, your wife is 37 weeks pregnant, and at the same time you’re dealing with arguments that leave you hurt and second-guessing yourself. That’s a lot to carry all at once, and it makes sense that you feel torn and exhausted.
It also sounds like you’re blaming yourself for triggering her, but from what you shared, you weren’t trying to hurt anyone, you just repeated what you’d been told. Anyone could have made that mistake. It’s not fair for you to take on all the responsibility for the conflict. At the same time, I can see why her words stung. Being called names or told you’re not needed is painful, even if she said it in anger. Your feelings are valid too.
Pregnancy is a stressful and emotional time, and that doesn’t excuse her lashing out, but it might explain why things blow up so quickly. The important thing isn’t just the fight, it’s how the two of you repair things afterward. And it sounds like you really want to make things better, not just for her, but for your daughter too.
Right now, I wouldn’t rush into deciding whether to stay or go. When emotions are this high, it’s easy to feel like divorce is the only way out. Instead, it might help to find a calmer way to talk to her about how you feel. That way, you’re sharing your feelings without blaming.
It could also be worth getting some outside support, like a counsellor or therapist, because sometimes having a neutral person in the room makes these conversations feel safer and less explosive. And you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
You’re not failing as a husband or dad for struggling. You’re human. The fact that you’re reflecting this deeply already shows how much you care about your wife and daughter. Stay strong!
Hello, thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflection
As a married couple, I feel that it is good to reflect back the reason why the marriage happened. I do believe it is because you two feel that you can work things out with each other. I do understand why you ‘regurgitate what your mom told you’, it is natural and like a mutal repsect that you believe what your mom told you. But do understand that it is a marriage between you and your wife.
I can see that you are very reflective, as you are aware that you did hurl insults at your wife. I hope you could channel your reflective spirit to think if what others have told you or advised you is rational before you relay it to your wife. Hence, as a husband, I do encourage you to also keep track of things that are in your household. When your kid arrive, there will be more things piling up such as scheduling to pick up your child from school, doctor’s appointment etc. As the days goes, there will be more tribulations that you will face it could be the same thing again.
I hope things are much better between you and your wife and I hope your baby will be healthy
I am glad you reached out today, seeking what could be done as the situation at home with your wife has been hurtful, confusing and challenging. Please hang in there.
Understandably, because of what’s happened, you are feeling lost, and second guessing your every action and thoughts. Do be kind to yourself, you are doing your best and I can sense you care deeply about your wife and the relationship with her.
May I gently suggest spending time together to re establish your friendship with her. Spend time to refresh each other why you’re together, what are common goals and aspirations to achieve as a young family.
I suggest that both of you would benefit from establishing guidelines on:
a)how your wife and you will handle extended family, and
b)ways both of you can be supportive of each other when faced with pressure.
I believe speaking to a couple counsellor together may be helpful too, to learn best practices on fair fighting, effective communication and dealing with in laws.
This is an exciting period for sure; although it’s full of unknowns and new experiences. Take it slow, be fully present and communicate better. Please do not be discouraged by what happened; you can get through this with small consistent daily actions that convey your sincerity and care. Keep reaching out here whenever needed too!
thanks for the empathy and support, yea the both of us are okay now. except that i do not know how long this peace will happen before i trigger her again.
Hello @user2557 I’m really glad to hear that the two of you are okay now. It makes sense you’d still feel worried about when the next argument might happen and that’s a heavy thing to carry. Try not to put all the pressure on yourself to avoid every trigger. What matters most is how you both work through things when they happen. Even small steps, like talking when things are calm or getting outside support, can make a big difference. You clearly care a lot, and that’s already a strong foundation. Be kind to yourself too, and please remember you’re not alone in this!
Firstly, congratulations on your soon-to-arrive baby daughter!
I am sorry you are going through a rough time at home, where it should be a place you can relax and unwind. As others have mentioned, pregnancy is a challenging time for the female, with all the hormones and body changes. That could be one of the reasons why your wife said such hurtful things to you. I am not blaming you, not at all. Males go through a challenging time too, with the compromises (much more than usual) and the expectation to be understanding.
I would suggest to first wait till your daughter is born, then try to talk to your wife. Give your wife some time and see if her behavior changes for the better after the pregnancy.
As for divorce, i do not think you should make that decision lightly. Consider seeking couple counseling first. I sincerely hope you do not have to resort to divorce.
