hi there. i have been feeling extremely distant around the people i love and conversations feel forced and uncomfortable even though i have known the people for a long time . I feel really stuck with my own problems that i have not been able to look out or be a friend to the people around me and whenever i realise that i am mostly alone or by myself, i find out im missing out, that this loneliness inside me is draining my energy to do something productive and i have been wasting more time on my phone , rather than going out n rekindle with the people i used to be close to as i have made a lot of mistakes due to me bottling up my emotions and expecting them to know what i feel without telling them as i only want them to be happy and not burdened with my problems, hence losing control. I have been feeling this for a while now and i really want to make myself feel happier and allow the people around me to also be more relaxed and carefree around me rather than forced talking , n for me to not feel like all responsibilities are on me and keep distancing myself away from people not communicating with them. First, how do i cope with my overthinking during these situations i have already tried writing it out hobbies and alot more but it has not worked out and what is the key to carefree conversations n what do people actually think of me when i have made mistakes n said i would change but backfire afterwards . I really trying my best with my social skills and controlling my emotions i dont want to affect the people i rlly care about anymore
Hey @user094389,
When I read your post, you don’t sound like you don’t care, you sounded tired. Like you’re trying very hard not to get it wrong.
You said when you’re alone, that’s when it hits you that you’re missing out. What usually happens in those moments? Are you scrolling and comparing? Replaying past mistakes? Imagining what people think about you?
You also said you don’t want to burden people. That’s important. Many people who think this way learned somewhere that their feelings are “too much.” So they hold everything in. Then conversations feel forced because you’re monitoring yourself the whole time.
Trying to be happier won’t fix that. And controlling emotions usually means pushing them down. That works for a while, but it makes you tense. People can feel when someone is tense, even if they don’t know why.
Overthinking here sounds like quick, harsh thoughts.
“I messed up again.”
“They must think I’m fake.”
“I said I’d change but I didn’t.”
Those thoughts create more fear, so you pull back more. Then you feel lonely. The cycle repeats. Carefree conversations usually don’t come from trying harder. They come from lowering the pressure. For example, instead of trying to fix the whole friendship, you might send one simple message: “Hey, I’ve been quiet lately. Just wanted to say hi.” That’s it. No big explanation.
About what people think of you, most people move on faster than we think. What rebuilds trust isn’t promising change again. It’s showing up in small ways over time.
If the fear feels bigger than you can manage alone, it might help to talk to someone outside your circle. If you’re in Singapore, 1771 (National Mindline) is available if you want a confidential space.
You don’t sound like someone with bad social skills. You sound like someone who is scared of disappointing people. Maybe start there. Not with being carefree.
Just with being a little less hard on yourself.
Hey @user094389 ,
Thank you for reaching out on this platform. It sounds that you’ve been going through a rough time in terms of your social life. Being in a constant state of overthinking about what the people around you are thinking when you act a certain way, the loneliness that is constantly pressurizing you to do something productive, and constantly bottling up your emotions sounds exhausting. I’m really glad you reached out here as it shows that you really want to do something to change this, and that’s a really great first step!
What you mentioned on thinking about how others think of you when you made mistakes and bottling up your emotions hit really close to home for me. That used to affect me a lot in the past, where I questioned whether I belonged with my friends, if they were just hanging out with me “to be nice”, and whether I was even good enough to be their friend. It really ate away at me, and I spiralled into a really vicious cycle that ate away at my self-esteem. So I tried to put on a perfect front and it was really exhausting. At the time, as I knew them quite well, I opened up to them about all these things, and I realised that the feared outcomes that I came up in my head were all not true. How I worked on it was to constantly tell myself that these outcomes were not true whenever I felt they were, and if the thoughts get too overwhelming, I would do something to distract myself and then coming back to them through reflecting and convincing myself. I also found that being honest really helped too in conversations. Instead of pretending to like something I don’t or feel a certain way, I was more honest with how I felt and my friends were fine with it! And as what @FuYuan_Affections mentioned, most people move on faster than we think. There were times when I asked my friends if they still felt angry over a mistake I did in the past, and most of the time, they’ll say, “You got do that? I forgot already.” So from there, I also learnt that the only person actually holding on to the mistake and thinking about it was me, which made it easier for me to learn from the mistake and forgive myself. Do you think that these could be helpful in your situation?
Remember to be kinder to yourself and know that we’re here for you too 