taking care of hoarding parents

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
1

i need an advice.

i am moving out soon this year, ive been living with my hoarding parents for 30 years. i understand their situation rooted as a coping mechanism to survive. but it have gotten really bad over the years.

my parents are in their 70s, so i am concerned about their safety and fire hazard. but this situation is so sensitive that i am unsure or afraid to approach it.

i recently talked to my husband to hire professional cleaner after we move out soon my parents can live with me for the time being and get the house clean. but my mom have a severe attachment to her hoarding, i cant even convince her to seek medical help because its hard for her to accept it.

but i think alot about if my parents passed away, i want to able to provide them with a good life im their last years of life. and it doesnt help that i have 3 older siblings who left home to build a life of their own because they cant stand my parents, so im all alone.

my parents arent bad people, they will fork out money for any of their kids when they are struggling, they paid for my siblings wedding. they even paid for my brother’s uni. but now, all left them. and when my siblings talk to them about my parents hoarding issues, its always out of anger.

over time it became even more difficult to slow talk to my parents about getting professional cleaner. because even when i try to talk calmly they will get angry because of how my older siblings have scolded them about it.

i just want to help my parents out but idk how. and outside ppl always telling me “just throw their things” its not that easy. ive seen my mom went into a mental breakdown for throwing a metal scrap. she even had panic attacks. its not easy to just throw. what should i do?

2

Hey @moonwalker03 ,

It is clear that you are trying to balance two things at the same time. You can see the safety risks at home, and you also know how distressing it is for your mum when anything is removed. That makes it difficult to even start the conversation.

There also seems to be a layer of responsibility you are carrying. Not just what to do, but what it means about you as a daughter if you take action. That can make any decision feel heavy, even when it comes from care.

You have been thoughtful in recognising your mum’s attachment. At the same time, when the living condition becomes unsafe, the situation changes. It is no longer only about preference. Safety needs to be addressed, even if the process is uncomfortable.

It also sounds like previous attempts by your siblings have affected how your parents respond now. So when you try to approach the topic, you are stepping into something that already has tension. Their reactions may not be only about what you are saying now, but also about what has happened before.

You are holding most of this on your own.
Sometimes the difficulty is not only deciding what to do, but how to do it without damaging the relationship. It can feel like you have to choose between being firm and being caring.

Just to check with you, when you think about taking action, what feels harder, the actual clearing of items, or how your parents might react?

It may help to keep both of these in mind:
Your parents’ emotional attachment is real
The safety risks are also real
Both can exist at the same time.

You are already considering their emotional wellbeing. The next step may be to create space for more direct and honest conversations. This can include sharing your concerns about safety, asking what the items mean to them, and discussing what each of you expects going forward.

There may be unspoken expectations between your parents, your siblings, and yourself that are making this harder.

Clarity may come from being clear about your intention. What are you trying to protect, and who are you doing this for?
If this starts to feel too much to manage alone, you can consider reaching out to National Mindline (1771). Speaking to a counsellor can help you sort through the options and how to approach this.

You are trying to care for your parents and keep them safe. That is not a simple situation. It may help to take this one step at a time.