Toxic parent

Ask a Therapist Coping
1

I have unofficially cut off ties with my toxic mother in law (MIL). Long story short, she is a manipulative single parent who believes she is entitled to be empress dowager of my partner’s life till the day she dies. Lots of threats and arguments later, I no longer see her unless there is a family gathering, which I dread very much. The last time I saw her in person was mother’s day in May.

My partner finds it difficult to cut ties with MIL as they feel responsible for her life due to their toxic upbringing and relationship, even though partner agrees that MIL is toxic. Partner also dreads having to contact MIL but we have a weekly video call for my daughter as we no longer allow MIL to see her (except during the family gathering in May).

MIL recently started pestering partner to bring our daughter over for regular visits but I have no wish to reignite any relationship with her anymore. Partner understands and is hence caught in the middle.

I feel guilty but I really wish partner would cut contact with her if she stresses them out so much. Partner can’t seem to do it though and I feel wrong suggesting it either. We have tried therapy for a short period but it did not seem to work.

How should we handle MIL? Am already dreading MIL’s birthday and other festivities coming up even though they are months away.

2

Hi @user6443, thank you for writing in.

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden for quite some time, trying to protect your peace while also navigating the complex dynamics between your partner and their mother. You’ve made a clear boundary for yourself by limiting contact with your MIL, especially after enduring manipulation, threats, and emotional strain. But even with that distance, the dread of family gatherings and upcoming events still lingers. It’s understandable that you feel conflicted: on one hand, you want to shield your daughter and yourself from further harm, and on the other, you’re watching your partner struggle with guilt and obligation, which leaves you feeling stuck and emotionally torn.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. You’re trying to balance empathy, protection, and emotional survival, and that’s not easy.

Here are some small steps that you may wish to consider:

:shield: Create a Unified Boundary Plan: Sit down with your partner and gently revisit what boundaries feel sustainable for both of you. Instead of focusing on cutting contact entirely, you might explore what kind of contact feels least harmful. For example, limiting video calls to once a month, or having them occur only when your partner feels emotionally prepared.

:speech_balloon: Use a “Third Space” for Communication: If MIL insists on contact, consider using a neutral medium like email or a shared messaging app where your partner can respond on their own time. This reduces emotional immediacy and gives space for reflection before reacting.

:brain: Reframe the Guilt: Guilt often arises when we feel responsible for someone else’s emotions. You might explore with your partner the idea that compassion doesn’t always mean compliance. It’s possible to care about MIL’s well-being without sacrificing your own.

Hope this helps, and take care of yourself meanwhile! Feel free to write in again if it helps. :blush:

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline

3

Hey @user6443,

In your first line… “unofficially cut off ties” … probably wasn’t said lightly. was it almost like making the cut was easier… at this point, you clearly loathe the idea of being around her.

and then there’s the piece about your partner. you’ve made this call, but it can’t really stand unless your partner backs it. and of course suggesting they cut ties too feels wrong… you’re a parent yourself, you understand the pull of that bond, even when it’s toxic.

perhaps… thinking out loud, i wonder if “cutting off” isn’t what you’re after. it sounds like you’re really trying to find a boundary that keeps you and your daughter safe, without dragging you back into those trauma-loaded moments that leave you dreading birthdays and festive seasons months ahead. that kind of dread can make the event feel like it’s already happening over and over.

so maybe the more useful question is… if you had the perfect opportunity to draw those boundaries, what would it look like? how would you want your partner to show up… not just physically in the room, but emotionally and mentally, so you felt less anxious, less exposed, more assured that the boundary will hold?

when you imagine those non-negotiables in action, where does the scene start for you… is it in the car before you arrive, in the moment you step through the door, or during the first few minutes when you’re face to face?

and in that picture, what are you doing with your body, your voice, even your eyes… that lets you feel steady? is your partner beside you, intercepting certain conversations, or quietly standing behind you as backup?

what would be one small sign that tells you , the boundary is holding… so even if the visit isn’t perfect, you leave knowing you stayed true to what you set?

you probably wont have a final answer, but for now, sketching out one or two of those signs for the next unavoidable gathering can be starter, how do you feel?

4

Hello @user6443 , thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot, and it’s completely understandable that you’ve chosen to distance yourself from your MIL. You’ve recognized how harmful the dynamic is, and protecting your peace and your child’s well-being is both valid and important.

Your feelings of guilt are very normal, especially when you see how stressed your partner is. But it also makes sense that they’re struggling. Growing up with a manipulative parent often leaves deep patterns of guilt and responsibility that are hard to break. The fact that your partner acknowledges the toxicity is already a big step, even if they’re not ready to cut ties completely.

For now, continuing to set firm but respectful boundaries, like keeping contact limited to video calls, is a healthy approach. As for upcoming events like birthdays and gatherings, it’s okay to dread them. You can choose to keep interactions polite but minimal, or skip them altogether if they’re too draining. Doing what’s best for your mental and emotional health doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a strong and self-aware one.

You’re handling a very difficult situation with clarity and compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you continue navigating it. Stay strong and hang in there!