Where am I and what have I become?

I’ve slowly began to realise that I’m losing everything I gained. Especially friends. If I were to be honest, everytime I look back in the past, I see absolutely nothing. Just a void. I don’t remember anything, and there were no memories created. Over and over again it made me question who I was, and what I had become over the years. I feel awful, trying to overcome this absolute dread, but its nothing I can’t manage. However, I’ve started to give in a bit. I gain enjoyment out of nothing, which is why I struggle to create memories in the first place. Yet, I dont feel any intense emotion about it, other than that same dread. It almost feels as if I’ve accepted it, but I know I haven’t. There’s no way I would.

What I remember clearly though, is the last day of the most recent school year, which was like a week ago - considering my summer break also started a week ago. I was absolutely alone. It was a socials event, and I had nothing. There was a boy that stuck to me, so desperately trying to make me not feel alone, but honestly, it only made things worse - yet I appreciated the gesture. In the end, I only felt that way because he was meant to be my “guide” of sorts, as I was brand new to the school, and it was his responsibility to make sure I integrate well into the community. He must be so disappointed that I never managed to do so, with a year gone already. He wasn’t a friend, just an unfortunate boy who was forced to accompany me. I feel so awful now that I reflect upon this, but at the time, he was just an annoying fly who refused to stop buzzing around me. Regardless, this scenario made me realise how I wasted an entire year making zero memories, and I’ve already forgotten most things from the year before.

Everything is just so empty. I gain enjoyment out of nothing. I’m not miserable, or desperate for help; I just don’t know what to do moving forwards. If I don’t remember my past, then I have nothing to base my future on, and it is this very reason I fear the future. I want to know, if anyone were to be kind enough, what in the world my problem is, so I could attempt to improve upon myself. Thank you.

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Dear @user1178 ,

Thank you for coming here to share your struggles with us. Well done for reaching out for support! :clap:t4: :clap:t4: It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and your feelings are valid. :people_hugging:

What you’re describing can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it can be due to stress, anxiety, or even depression. When we’re under a lot of stress or feeling down, our brain can have a harder time forming and recalling memories. This can make it feel like there’s a void when you look back at the past.

You might be experiencing a freeze response, which is part of the fight/flight response our bodies go through when we feel threatened or stressed. While fight or flight are more active responses, freezing is when our body and mind become still, almost like we’re stuck. Over time, this freeze response can start to feel like the norm because it becomes familiar, even though it isn’t healthy.

As for the the boy who was your guide at school, could we also consider another perspective? He made an active choice to be a good guide. He could have been a lousy or absent guide, but he chose to try and support you. This shows that you are worthy of connection and care, even if it didn’t feel that way at the time. :orange_heart:

Here are a few suggestions that might help you start to feel better:

  1. Talk to Someone: Consider reaching out to a trusted adult, a school counsellor, or a mental health professional. You don’t have to go through this alone. It’s normal and okay if you aren’t sure how to help your body feel more safe to experience joy again. It is the role of professionals to help you because they have training. They can help you work through these feelings and provide you with the support you need.

  2. Engage in Activities: Try to get involved in activities that you used to enjoy or that you think you might enjoy. Even if you don’t feel like it at first, sometimes engaging in these activities can help bring back a sense of joy and accomplishment.

  3. Stay Connected: Keep in touch with friends and family, even if it feels difficult. Social connections are really important for our mental health.

  4. Set Small Goals: Setting small, achievable goals for yourself can help you regain a sense of purpose and direction. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they might seem. Here are some suggestions for small goals:

  • Daily Walks: Aim to take a short walk each day, even if it’s just for 10-15 minutes.
  • Read a Book: Set a goal to read a chapter or a certain number of pages each day.
  • Learn Something New: Pick up a new hobby or skill, like drawing, playing an instrument, or cooking a new recipe.
  • Healthy Habits: Drink a certain amount of water each day or aim to eat a healthy snack.
  • Connect with Someone: Send a text or message to a friend or family member every day, even if it’s just to say hello.
  • Organise Your Space: Spend a few minutes each day tidying up your room or a specific area.
  • Practice Gratitude: Write down one thing you’re grateful for each day.
  • Mindfulness Practice: Spend a few minutes each day doing a mindfulness or breathing exercise.
  1. Improve Social Skills: In your next social interaction, try one of these skills.
    • Practice Active Listening: Focus on what the other person is saying, make eye contact, and show that you’re interested in the conversation.
    • Join Clubs or Groups: Find clubs or groups at school that match your interests. This can help you meet people with similar interests.
    • Start Small: Begin with small social interactions, like saying hello or giving a compliment. Gradually work your way up to longer conversations.
    • Ask Open-Ended Questions: These questions encourage more detailed responses and help keep the conversation going.
    • Observe and Learn: Watch how others interact and take note of what seems to work well in social situations.

It’s okay to ask for help and to take things one step at a time. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want to support you. I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

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Thank you very much for such the detailed response. It means a lot.