i am feeling lost and depressed. My wife has been asking for divorce many times and to sell the house. I do not want to because i want to leave the house for my now 15 years old son who is academically poor, so that he can use the house for rent as income in future when i pass away. i am 58 yrs old. i am at the losing end because she found out that i was womanizing around back in 2008. i have stopped since and tried to reconcile but it does not work. There were other things affecting the relationship. The most current, i ended up in jail for one night due to her. And was on bail for 1 month plus until the case was drop by the court. when i was being arrested from my home, the police mishandled me and put me in disgrace.When i was being arrested from my home, the police mishandled me and put me in disgrace. I will never forget how my wife put me through this. When i see police car / police, it will trigger my anger and I will curse and swear. While i was on probation, i slept in my car over the weekends, just to keep away from her. Worse still, i lost my job in a retrenchment in May2024 and was not able to find a favorable job since. i wish she was dead. Am I losing my mind? At times, i feel like shouting out loud or doing something but dont know what… I got no one to talk to. where can i get help.
Dear @user5848 ,
It sounds like you’ve been sitting in a lot of pain with no one to listen; just writing it here is already an important step.
When you said “my wife has been asking for divorce many times and to sell the house…” those lines show how cornered and angry you’ve been feeling. reading it felt like someone carrying years of blows; marriage breakdown, arrest, job loss and still trying to hold one last thing for your son but feeling stripped of dignity.
That said, what comes through is also a father still trying to do what you think is right for your child, wanting to leave the house so your 15-year-old son, who you see as struggling, has some security. You’ve been thinking far into the future even though currently, you feel like you are unable to keep the house secured for your child. It’s also possible that when you link his poor academic performance to his future, has added pressure on you and on him. But still, at the heart of it, you’re trying to provide and care.
You’ve named your wrongdoing and the attempts to stop. Admitting it does make you vulnerable and lowers your sense of worth. You’ve also tried to reconcile but reconciliation and healing for your wife may take a different shape or never come; your admission doesn’t automatically erase her pain.
What you described about “the police mishandled me…” This shows how much your dignity has been stripped in public, and how that triggers you… police cars bring back humiliation, anger spills out as cursing…
Your past actions have hurt your wife. Now you are also feeling hurt and disgraced in your own way. Both kinds of pain are real. It can feel very confusing when the person you trusted most also becomes the source of your deepest pain
Rebuilding trust and stability is usually a slow process. The amount of strength and a willingness to work on the wounds on both sides (you and your wife) will be a chance that tests your resilience.
This is a very low point in your life: marriage breaking, job gone, public humiliation. Feeling hatred or fantasizing someone being dead when you’re overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re ‘crazy’; it’s your mind and body stuck in fight/flight after repeated shocks. But it’s also a red flag that you need support on so that to prevent you from acting on anger or despair.
I want you to know that, there is support and it can help you, but you have to make it happen. Support can help you start to change. When you feel ready, here are some steps you can try;
- call SOS 1-767 any time if thoughts of harming yourself or someone else feel too strong
- chat a counsellor though Telephone hotline by dialling 1771 ; you can mobile message service via WhatsApp at +65-6669-1771 or Online webchat through the chat widget hosted on mindline.sg website (mindline.sg | First Stop for Mental Health Support in Singapore)
- go to your nearest Family Service Centre, they can help with both emotional support and financial assistance during unemployment
These services are confidential and used by many men your age in crisis. They can also link you to anger-management or trauma-support programmes to help calm the body before it tips into rage.
You’ve been hurt, your wife has been hurt; both sets of wounds are real. The frustration won’t disappear overnight, but reaching for support now can give you the stability to start healing and decide next steps for your son, your finances and your own safety. Maybe a first small move is simply to send a message like: “I’m overwhelmed, I need to talk” to one of the numbers above or a trusted person. Let us know how you feel?
Hello @user5848
Thank you for opening up and sharing what you’re going through. It sounds like you’ve been carrying so much pain and stress. Between your marriage struggles, losing your job, and the difficult experience with the police. I can hear how overwhelming this all feels for you, and it makes sense that you feel lost and angry at times.
I also want to acknowledge the love and care you have for your son. Wanting to hold onto the house so that he has something secure in the future shows how much you’re thinking ahead for him, even while you’re hurting. The fact that you stopped the womanising and tried to reconcile also shows that you have taken steps to grow and change, which is not easy.
It’s important to know that you don’t have to go through all of this alone. Speaking with a counsellor or therapist could give you a safe space to process what’s happened, work through the anger you feel, and find healthier ways to cope. Like @FuYuan_Affections has mentioned, if at any point you feel like your thoughts of wishing harm on your wife get stronger, or you feel like you might act on them, please reach out right away to a crisis helpline or local emergency services. Your safety and wellbeing matter.
You’re going through an incredibly tough time, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. Reaching out like you did here is already a strong first step. Support is out there, and you deserve to have it.