Hey,
After reading what you just said, I just want to say, you don’t need to hold back your emotions and this is exactly the place and space for you to do whatever you want. You have clearly been through this before, you know the chaos that comes when feelings take over, and this time you’re trying to stay upright, to not let it drown you. I know that holding it together doesn’t mean you’re not in pain, it just means you’re surviving it, and trying to pick up the pieces… piece by piece.
When betrayal happens, the wound cuts through what you valued most, trust and safety. It’s not just the relationship that broke, but the beliefs you built it on: “someone can love me and still stay,” “my effort means something,” “I don’t need to second guess and I trust what I see.” So now, it’s not only grief; it’s disbelief. Your mind still trying to catch up to what the body already knows.
Your body feels first. Emotions aren’t logic, they’re biology. They start deep in the limbic brain, the same part that warns you when something’s dangerous. So when betrayal and fear hits, your mind fires signals, body generates adrenaline, cortisol that says, “protect yourself.” You freeze, fight, or flee. In this case, you flee. Not fleeing away from your boyfriend, but fleeing away from “scared of what’s to come and how I am going to deal with this eventually.”
Even when the danger is over, those signals don’t just disappear overnight; they stay stored in the body as tension, heaviness, and restlessness. That’s why emotions don’t just “go away.” They have to be regulated; meaning, felt safely, little by little, so the nervous system can learn it’s safe again.
Writing, crying, breathing deeply, even walking, these are not random self-care things. They’re how the body relieves itself from what was stuck. Without that, logic just builds a lid over boiling water.
You’ve already started. When you said you’re scared of what will come later, that’s actually awareness waking up. Instead of running from the fear, you’re noticing it. That’s the first step to regulation, noticing without judging.
When you write, maybe try this:
- “Right now, my body feels…” (tight? heavy? numb?)
- “If this feeling could speak, it would say…”
- “I wish I could tell myself…”
These questions don’t fix anything, but they help your body and mind talk to each other again.
You were right that asking “why he did it” won’t change the outcome. But asking why this hurts so deeply might show you what part of you needs gentleness right now, maybe the part that just wanted to feel chosen, or safe, or enough.
And if the crying comes, don’t stop it. That’s your system releasing what logic couldn’t. You’re not regressing, you’re regulating.
I hope that I am not overly presumptive, but I would say to you it’s okay to just let yourself be tired. Let the tears come when they need to. You don’t have to make meaning tonight, just breathe, write, rest. And maybe tomorrow, another small step towards feeling safe again.