desperate to find love, but i have massive unhealed trauma

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18F and currently in college. to start off/give some context, i don’t know if its just me, but everyone, every interaction in college feels superficial. it drains me trying to stay vibing with people i dont even like, pretending im ok when im not all because i have this gut feeling that being friendless but true to myself would be worse than having fake friends. what makes this worse for me is that throughout secondary school, i was surrounded by very close friends - even then, i felt lonely, but now i look back at those times and miss them. i still text these friends everyday now and tbh theyre literally all i have, i would fall apart if i couldnt text them anymore, like seriously, they are all that i have. im an only child and the only family member i confide in is my mum, my dad’s very distant.

being a college student, im always trying to keep busy and lock in because everyone around me is so locked in, but the moment i get a holiday this feeling of all-consuming loneliness sets in, and because im so deprived of genuine heartfelt interaction with new people, i really, really crave a relationship because ngl, im desperate. but at the same time getting attached to anyone terrifies me because ive got attachment issues as i was ghosted once by someone online that i liked last year and that ■■■■ left such a wound on me that even now it still hurts. literally any text message from a male gives me flashbacks, no joke, my trauma is obv still super unhealed. now my massive trust issues and my desperation are one big self sabotaging mess, and idk what to do, how do I cope with loneliness?? like aside from confiding in trusted friends, do y’all like…actually put effort into meeting new people when u feel lonely? and how to not get attached?? is it the right thing to put up walls arnd myself when i make new friends?? or do i need to be okay with getting hurt..?

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Hey @user7232. I hear how heavy this feels for you, and I want to acknowledge you for sharing this openly and honestly. Loneliness is hard, and when you’ve been ghosted or hurt before, it’s only natural that trust feels fragile. I’ve been through that mix of loneliness and fear of attachment too, and it really felt like a tug-of-war inside. So, you’re not alone, okay? Craving something deeper while being scared to let people in is really exhausting.

What helped me a little was lowering the “pressure”. Instead of forcing big connections, I focused on small, genuine moments with people who felt safe. It didn’t make the loneliness disappear overnight, but it made things lighter. The longing you feel for love shows how open you are, even with the wounds you carry and that’s a strength.

Connection can grow in many ways like through clubs (book clubs etc), volunteering, spending time in spaces where you can just be yourself, or even deepening bonds with friends you already have. Love doesn’t have to mean only romantic love.

And about attachment, you don’t need to choose between putting walls up or risking everything. You can set gentle boundaries, let people in gradually, and notice how they show up over time. Trust can grow slowly, step by step.

You’re already showing so much awareness by noticing your patterns and asking these questions. That’s a strong foundation for building healthier connections when you’re ready.

Sending you lots of warmth. You’re worthy of the love you’re looking for :sunflower:

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Hey @user7232,

Your reflection is genuine as you start to notice the difference between simply being around people and actually feeling authentic since you wrote, “every interaction in college feels superficial.” then you said, “i would fall apart if i couldn’t text them anymore”…I can see that your struggle is genuine as well. it sounds like your whole sense of belonging is tied to that one thread of connection.

Being an only child, with just your mum to confide in, it makes sense your external support feels so minimal. I wonder if part of what makes it feel fragile is that you haven’t yet found a space that feels like yours.

I also hear how much you miss the closeness of secondary school, even though you felt lonely then too. Does it feel like the past feels safer than now? it brings up the question: what does loneliness really mean for you now? And when it comes, what does it say about yourself?

The ghosting wound… when you shared, “literally any text message from a male gives me flashbacks”, it shows how raw it still is. It sounds like certain interactions can quickly trigger the fear of rejection, and that’s exhausting. The trust issues you call a “self-sabotaging mess”, they’re really just ways of protecting yourself after being hurt.

You asked about putting up walls, I’d say walls are a natural protective mechanism. But it seems like when those walls come up, you might turn the judgment back on yourself. Maybe it helps to see the wall as a signal, of you saying, “i need to feel safe before i open up.”

One small step might be helping with shifting the focus in meeting socially? Instead of asking, “will i get rejected?”, maybe try, “is there something common we share?” whether it’s music, hobbies, or just a class you both find tough. That way it’s less about proving your worth and more about exploring fit. And remember, someone having different views doesn’t automatically mean rejection, sometimes it’s just difference.

Can i check in with you on one thing? When you text your old friends, do you feel calmer afterwards, or more anxious? That might help you notice whether those connections are truly soothing, or whether they’re keeping you stuck in place.

And if the loneliness or flashbacks ever feel unbearable, you can reach out to national mindline at 1771. Perhaps one thing for you to hold closely is that you can crave closeness, and you can fear it as well. Both can be true at the same time. Maybe it’s not that you can’t, but that you haven’t had the chance to practise in spaces that feel safe.

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I kept going for boardgames. Now im trying to make frens w ppl who also do music, struggling w that part