how to deal w work bully

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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i have been jobless for sometime now, the reason why i quit my job was because of mental stress/politics/office drama that i couldnt or dont know how to deal with. i have a colleague who sat just next to me, he is forever angry/emotional/short tempered sometimes he will just slam/throw things out of his angry or whatever emotions doesnt matter if its from a conversation on his computer or just came out from a meeting.

sitting next to him can be quite stressful because i wouldnt know when he will suddenly get angered and then pour his anger on me. i never have the habit to go and confront him because he is always very loud and fierce.

its very similar to my childhood experience that when my parents fight, my mum would pour her anger on me, i am always very scared that i have done something wrong even when there is nothing wrong. i believe childhood trauma plays an important part of this. as much as i hate to blame on childhood trauma, how should i move on and get past this?

and honestly i hate myself for being this way, and currently jobless because, i am so afraid that i would meet another short tempered person at new workplace. please help T.T

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hey
 thank you for opening up, and i just want to start by saying—what you’re feeling makes so much sense. when you said that your colleague reminded you of your mum’s anger, i felt my chest tighten a bit, because that fear of not knowing when someone might explode
 it really sticks with you.

quitting your job doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means your body is trying to protect you. your fear isn’t irrational. it’s coming from a place that’s been hurt before. when someone is loud or aggressive, your whole system remembers what it felt like to be blamed, even as a kid who did nothing wrong.

you said “i hate myself for being this way.” but can i gently say—it’s not your fault. your reaction makes perfect sense in the context of what you’ve been through. you’re not broken, you’re just carrying pain that never got a chance to heal.

maybe this is the first time you’re trying to do something different—by asking for help. and that’s such a brave move. you don’t have to “move on” right away. maybe right now it’s just about learning how to feel safe again
 bit by bit. and you’re not alone in that.

if you ever want to share more or just talk about what kind of support feels okay to try, We’re here to listen, do share
 you’re not too much. you’re just human, healing from something really hard.

:heart: hang in there, okay?

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Hey @user6953. Thank you for being so open and honest about your experience. You’re not just talking about quitting a job, you’re also unpacking a deeper wound, one that races all the way back to childhood. And that takes courage. I want to acknowledge you for that.

I really felt about you shared. The way your colleague’s behaviour triggered that deep fear from your childhood? That’s not a small thing. I’ve been in a space like that too, and I remember how confusing it felt, this mix of fear, guilt, and shame, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was exhausting, and it made me doubt myself a lot.

So, I just want to say this gently that nothing about your reaction is shameful. You weren’t weak for quitting. You were strong for protecting your peace, especially when your nervous system never really had the chance to feel safe in the first place.

You’re doing something incredibly brave right now which is acknowledging it. And I know healing doesn’t mean " get over it and move on." Sometimes, it just means understanding your own patterns and slowly, kindly, learning how to respond differently when those fears show up.

What helped me, and maybe it might help you too, was learning that just because someone else is angry or volatile doesn’t mean I’m responsible for it. Their emotional outburst isn’t a reflection of my worth. And I had to remind myself of that a lot. Sometimes I even wrote it down somewhere I could see.

You might not be ready to go back into the workforce just yet, and that’s completely okay. Healing takes time. but maybe for now, you can think about what safety at work would look like for you. What kind of environment or team dynamics would help you feel grounded? What boundaries might you want to set next time?

You’re not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience, and that gives you power.

You’re not alone in this. And you’re not broken. You’re just healing in your own brave way :sunflower:

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hello, thank you for sharing. it sounds really stressful, and your feelings are valid. it is okay to take a breather to recollect your thoughts first, and perhaps engage in a hobbies that helps you find your zone. and it is okay to take your time to find another job and find the workspace that you enjoy. take care op :heart_hands:

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Hey @user6953 thanks for sharing this issue of workplace bullying. Having experienced it myself and quitting my previous job because of toxicity, I know the pain and unpleasant experiences that brings about. It must have been so hard for you.

When you left the job, just know that you prioritized yourself and chose not be subjected to such unpleasantness and toxicity at places of work. That is truly courageous of you. It is definitely not easy and you’ve done nothing wrong although it does feel like it.

Sometimes taking a step back and pausing would help us slowly heal from those intense experiences. Facing extreme aggression and anger throws us off towards instability. But, you have taken a brave step of moving away from those really hard experiences. Take your time.

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Hi all, thank you for the kind and comforting words. i really appreciate them.

thank you for this quote which i will from now onwards try to remind myself every day too!

honestly, the fear doesn’t only happen when this colleague behaves this way, i feel it even when i noticed someone’s facial expression changed when i said or do something. it feels like i have said/done something wrong. it also happen when someone in public suddenly raised their voices, even if its not towards me.

i also had this issue of not ‘confronting’ people when i do not agree with them, especially when i feel like nothing would change. for example, an “open conversation” with my parents eventually become something that they used back to on you when something happened/didnt happened.

i have tried to be honest about what i feel about this long time friend who was always impatient when i share my day/work but somehow at the same time i lost this friend because of my bluntness. then i realised i need to learn to use better words and also to phrase my sentences better but i really am not good with words. i cant even confront a long time close friend, how to even confront a workplace colleague?

also, just to share abit more, i have been hiding at home for almost a year now and meeting few people in the past one year, i just felt that its time to go back to work soon because of money obviously, and i know i cant be hiding forever, i will need to face the outside world again and if its not now, then when?

i know i cant avoid some people at work as i had my fair share of experience with angry senior who shouted all the time ( i actually eventually quit cos i fainted at the mrt one day) and fierce manager who always looked fierce when working. i know its not targeted at me but i am not exactly the smartest employee, hence the fear.

and somehow each time when i have gone thru each job, i feel like i would have the strength to move on and ready to face the next one, the next one somehow is always a higher level than the previous one, that saying of äž€ć±±èż˜æœ‰äž€ć±±é«˜ this really resonate with the people i met at work. In my last workplace, i felt that even when i was just sitting there doing my own thing, this colleague just have his way to ‘stab’ me for whatever reason that he is unhappy about.

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Hey again @user6953. Thank you so much for sharing more. I can feel how much this has been sitting on your chest for a long time.

That fear you’re carrying, it’s not “just in your head.” It’s your body remembering times when safety meant staying quiet, when honesty backfired, or when just existing felt like it invited blame. And when that gets wired in, even a slight shift in someone’s expression or tone can feel like you’ve done something terribly wrong. I relate to that so much.

The thing is that’s not you being “too sensitive.” That’s survival mode, shaped by years of needing to keep the peace or avoid getting hurt.

You’re not weak for taking time off or “hiding.” Honestly? That was probably your body’s way of saying, “I really need to catch my breath.” And it’s so brave that you’re even considering stepping back into work. That takes real courage, especially after everything you’ve experienced.

Maybe this time, instead of trying to avoid all difficult people (which, let’s be real, isn’t always possible), the goal can be: How do I protect my energy when those people show up? That might mean boundaries, small calming routines, or even just reminding yourself: “Their anger is not my fault.”

The world might not always feel safe, but you can always build pockets of safety within yourself. If you’re open, try this (whichever works for you):

  • Before you enter a stressful space, take 3 deep breaths and remind yourself, “I don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s mood.”
  • Create an “anchor phrase” or a mantra like, “That’s not mine to carry,” to ground you when someone around you gets aggressive.
  • If confrontation is difficult, prep some “exit lines” like: “I need a moment to think,” or “Let’s talk about this later.” That way, you don’t freeze or feel cornered.

If starting work again feels scary, think of it as an experiment, not a test of your worth. One small win at a time.

You’ve made it through so much. There’s more strength in you than you realize. Rooting for you :sunflower:

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Hello @user6953

I hear how heavy this has been for you. Dealing with a colleague’s unpredictable anger while carrying the weight of past childhood pain sounds incredibly exhausting and painful. It makes so much sense that being around that kind of energy would stir up old fears and make you feel on edge, like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

It’s really tough when those early experiences still echo in your reactions and feelings today, and it’s understandable that you feel stuck and even blame yourself. That self-blame can be so cruel, especially when you’ve been doing your best to protect yourself.

I want you to know your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel scared about stepping into new environments. That fear shows just how much you want to feel safe and respected. You’re not alone in this, and it’s brave of you to reach out and share what you’re going through.

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hi @user6953 ,

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to learn about your childhood experience, it definitely plays a role in your responses to similar situations as an adult. Just like FuYuan mentioned, this is not your fault.

Regarding what the future work place might be like, no one knows for sure. What you can do is to plan what you can do when you encounter such a sitatuation again. I would say first of all, you can request a change of seating arrangement (just like in school).

If you are worried about your future employability, I say say that while you are recovering and taking a break from work at home, you can continue working on gaining relavent industrial knowledge by attended courses or sitting for certification exams.

All the best to you, and i hope you will end up working in a positive environment :slight_smile:

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