I dont desserve my bf

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

I’ve been having a lot of intense feelings about my boyfriend and about myself, and I don’t really know how to deal with them.

I feel like I don’t deserve him at all. I keep comparing myself to other girls our age and thinking they’re prettier, smarter, richer, and just better than me in general. Meanwhile, I see myself as ugly, stupid, poor, and kind of mean, and I don’t understand why he would choose me over anyone else.

Because of that, I feel like I love him more than I love myself. I know that doesn’t sound healthy, but it’s how it feels. When I think about him, I get really emotional and sometimes I cry, not because anything bad happened, but because the feelings are just really strong.

He became my boyfriend when I was in a really bad place mentally, and at that time I almost hurt myself. So now I feel like he’s the reason I’m still okay, and that makes me really attached to him. I’m scared that without him, I might go back to that place.

Right now, the main things keeping me going are seeing him in person and doing cosplay. Those are the things I look forward to the most, and sometimes it feels like without those, I don’t have much else holding me up.

I keep on seeing other girls and wonder "am I good enough for him? " he’s athletic genius level rich a gentlemen and other girls that I know are pretty smart nice rich and I’m poor ugly ASF and stupid :joy: anyways I get jealous of other girls and wonder if I deserve him I should just kill myself so he can have a new better gf

I don’t know if this is normal attachment or if I’m becoming too dependent on him, but I do know that I don’t feel stable on my own. I want to understand why I feel this way and how to be okay without feeling like my whole life depends on one person.

I also want to learn how to see myself in a less negative way, because right now my self-esteem is really low and it affects how I think about everything, including my relationship.

2

Hi @Dippp,

I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this at once. The way you’re comparing yourself to others, feeling “not good enough”, and then tying your worth and stability so tightly to your boyfriend sounds incredibly painful and exhausting.

But I want to be clear about something. When you say that you “should just kill myself so that he can find a better gf”, that’s a serious signal that you’re overwhelmed. These thoughts can show up when someone feels trapped and self-critical, but you don’t have to handle them alone.

Because you’ve mentioned suicidal thoughts, it really matters to get you more support than just trying to push through this internally. If you feel at risk of harming yourself, please reach out right now to someone who can help in real time. I would encourage you to either contact Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767 (24/7), or go to the nearest A&E if things feel urgent, or call emergency services at 995.

If possible, also tell a trusted person near you what you’re feeling, even just “I’m not doing okay, and I need someone with me.”

Your relationship with your boyfriend can matter to you, but it should not be the only thing keeping you safe or grounded. Based on what you’re describing, it is a sign that you deserve broader support and care around you.

3

If you’re looking for assistance beyond just a helpline, I’ve also listed down some resources that you may wish to visit and your own time, based on your comfort level.

A Community Outreach Team (CREST) can help to identify your needs, support your emotional wellbeing, and link you to other services. This service is provided free-of charge.

A Community Intervention Team (COMIT) has qualified mental health professionals who can provide counselling, case management and caregiver support. This service is provided free-of-charge.

A General Practitioner (GP) clinic or Polyclinic can provide medical support or refer you to psychiatric services, which are located in hospitals such as IMH, CGH and SGH. This service is subsidised by the government through schemes such as MediSave.

You may locate these services through our Service Wayfinder: mindline.sg | Free Mental Health Resources & Mindfulness Tools in Singapore

Hope this helps! Take care of yourself in the meantime. :+1:

4

Hey @Dippp ,

Reading this, it sounds really tiring to carry these thoughts about yourself again and again. It can feel painful when your mind keeps placing you below others, as if no matter what you do, you are still “less.” Over time, this can shape how you see your own worth, even if it is not an accurate reflection of who you are.

It also sounds like you may not be feeling enough reassurance or validation in the relationship, or that when it is there, it does not fully settle the insecurity inside. That can feel confusing. When that happens, it is common for the mind to start comparing more and looking for evidence, which can then make the insecurity stronger.

You shared that your boyfriend came into your life during a very difficult period. That matters. Because of that, he is not just someone you care about, but also someone your mind associates with safety and stability. It makes sense that the attachment feels strong, and that there is fear when you imagine losing him.

The jealousy you described can feel uncomfortable, and sometimes even embarrassing, but it often comes from insecurity rather than anything the other girls are doing. When the mind holds onto a belief like “I am not enough,” it can trigger automatic thoughts and lead to behaviours such as putting yourself down or adjusting yourself to feel more acceptable. This is sometimes called a placating pattern, where a person lowers themselves to maintain connection. It is quite common in many family environments where being agreeable and not causing issues is emphasised, so you are not alone in this pattern.

I would like to check something with you. When you notice yourself comparing, is it more about the other girls being better, or is it about a fear that you may not be enough to be chosen?

You also mentioned cosplay, and that stands out in a different way. Cosplay takes effort, creativity, and courage to express yourself in front of others. That suggests there is a part of you that is capable and willing to be seen, even if another part of you is feeling insecure.

What first drew you to cosplay? And when you are engaging in it or around others who share that interest, do you notice any difference in how you feel about yourself?

Right now, it seems like your emotional support is quite concentrated on a few things, mainly your boyfriend and cosplay. Given how much you are carrying, it makes sense that it feels heavy when one area feels uncertain.

You also mentioned thoughts about harming yourself. Even if they come and go, it is important not to hold that alone. If it feels intense at any point, you can reach SOS at 1767 or Mindline at 1771 to have someone with you in that moment.

You have already shown awareness of what is happening within you, and that is not easy. It suggests that a part of you is trying to understand and take care of yourself. Maybe we start by helping you feel a bit more steady, so your sense of worth is not carried by just one person. Hope to hear from you.