Today I messed up, I masturbated again.
Yesterday was the 2nd round for rock climbing trials. I didn’t do well, and I was really upset about it. I’m not sure why. I mean I didn’t really train that hard for it, not by choice but by lack of time and money. It wouldn’t have been a good idea for me to spend most my days after school going to the climbing gym when I had meetings with teachers every other day. School’s been a huge source of stress for me, with the increasing flow of emails that ask for applications, administrative matters, timetables, reports. Apart from the emails, I’m just not bonding well with anyone. The people in my class are nice. It’s the “weird” class in some sense, because my class is the further math class, that is to say everyone who takes further math in my school is in my class, but not the whole class takes it. So everyone is a little strange in that sense. I feel a bit similar to them because we are all kind of the outcasts, whats left over from the normals. But as much as I’d like it to be, not being normal doesnt mean you’re in the same boat. I think about it like this, the social world is a kind of sphere, and at its core are the normals, they are those that follow social conventions well, and keep up with trends. The core isn’t just a simple place. Even people who live in the core dont always get along because there are many different trends and ideas of social norms. But because its so packed, being at the core means you’re bound to find someone like you. As you leave futher and further from the core, the density of people decreases. This is because many are attracted to the gravity of the core, and also because the further you go, the more space there is. Finally people who live on the outskirts are few, and even those who do are drastically different from each other, because of the amount of space that separates them. And you’ll notice, in a strange twist of irony, in this sphere, the closest point for two opposites to meet in the middle is always the core.
I haven’t been replying people, it reminds me of replying emails. A lot of these messages are administrative in nature as well. Correspondence with club leaders, planning for school events. It seems that my social ground has become a secondary forum for formalities. “How are you?” is replaced with, “Whats the progress on your tutorial?” Even other kinds of social contact has become a burden, talking or hearing about others life has become predictable and quite honestly sad, as everyone details how the gears of a world graded by productivity has grinded them down into fine powder of blood and tears. Even this powder has become a mark to be proud of, and so it perpetuates the glory of the grinder.
I havent been doing the work for my research programme, at least not as much as I like to. Going for deep dives into the world of cryptography isn’t always a good idea, when school is requesting for homework submission by tomorrow 2359, they promise the deadlines are reasonable, we are giving you a full day just to do a page of work, they insist, along with the 10 other teachers from the other classes we take. And as the last bell goes of at half past six, and the sun begins to shed it’s brilliant white for a more tired orange, students around the country take a public bus down smoothly paved roads to a study table rougher than sandpaper, grinded down by endless strokes of the pen.
My social media is filled with bad news. I know this is the kind of thing that does well online because it incites a lot of interaction. Hearing of pedophiles and presidents and all these negativity isn’t surprising to me though. I mean coming from a life like mine this is the only natural outcome. The manifestation of Murphy’s law. I don’t know whether it makes me feel more sad or strangely comforted. After all, I dont like seeing people happy too much when I’m living in a state of misery and sorrow. I want to know im not alone in my pain. But my pain is different, my pain is theological and academic and social.
I think part of the reason I’m always sorrowful is because I have been taught to expect the worst. To view myself as a machine to produce results, and when I am not able to, I am not a good machine, and like any other I will be replaced, not repaired. In many ways I have been proven right. Id like to attribute this to mentality, to the idea that if we seek out something, even if its negative, it will come to pass. But my life is the thesis of Murphy’s law. And even when truly, deeply I hope for the best, half the things turn out just bad enough for the other half to not matter. I guess its a blessing that half the things are okay. But if Im honest, this blessing doesnt feel so good. Its food from the torturer given to the beaten just to keep them alive enough to talk. I am goose fattened for the slaughter by something i cannot see for a reason I cannot understand.
I took a nap after the great sin I had committed and I ate some snacks and drank a whole lot of water. It was kind of peaceful. There’s some guilt but not really divine guilt. Not the kind of guilt that convicts you to ask God for forgiveness. Sin has become more of a transactional thing, another administrative matter to note. Something like: Sinned at 11.43am - 1 demerit point. Another bit of data to be keyed into the system. Heaven feels less like home than a place where one might apply to. Like a university or a job that promises goodness and happiness. Holiness feels like a certificate you earn after watching lectures on Coursera, something to add to your resume.
I haven’t been praying well. I mean, most my prayers aren’t mine. I just read them of prayer cards like a task to finish. I try my best to add a bit of detail, something like ," Thank you God for the love you show to me through letting me surivive another day of classes" but theyre not honest phrases. Theyre just words I learnt to string together at catechism or on a video by a priest. I was told recently that not sinning is the bare minimum, that we ought add devotionals to our day and go to church frequently when we can. We ought to be good people, kind and warm. Salt and light of the world. I was only taught salt as a human need and light as the energy that lets you its time to toil.
And so here I am, stress always present, and a kind of unholy guilt. Perpetual pain and mystical misery. A purgatory that does not refine but dulls. A faith that was challenged and broken.