My mind is in a mess.

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

As the header says. There’s a lot to unpack. Been using ChatGPT to try and figure stuff out. I’ll try to be as concise as possible but I think it’s gonna be jumping everywhere.

I’ve always considered myself an independent person but i realised it’s just me trying to protect myself. So as much as I am accepted into groups in the beginning, I’m always the odd ball, and eventually get left out. I don’t fit anywhere.

Recently, I made a friend, K and I’ve been relying on K a lot because K cares - the first to really take time to talk and hang out. Too much that it messes with my emotions. Every time there’s an argument, my whole life messes up. I get super emotional and just want to run away from this friendship. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Family. My dad just passed away 2 months ago. I think that messed me up even more. Relationship with my mum is strained. There’s just an overwhelming hate towards her and I don’t know why. I’m constantly in a fight or flight state. I still function. I still go to work. But after I just melt on my bed and scroll the whole day. I can’t sleep without scrolling cause the voice in my head gets too loud.

Work has been going well. I have been offered some leadership roles but I’m constantly asking myself am I able to do it? My bosses have absolute trust in me but I don’t know where they see that confidence from. Some context, I have always wanted to lead since young but never given a chance as I’m not good enough. I guess that has led me to where I am now. Second guessing myself every single time. I’ve got that constant fear of failing those who have trust in me. I’m so lost.

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Hey @user658156,

I am glad that you found your way here and I’m also sorry about your dad. My condolences to you and your family. Two months is still very recent. Losing him can shift your internal stability more than you realise. Grief doesn’t only show up as sadness. It can show up as irritability, anger, or a constant sense of tension. The strong feelings toward your mum may be linked to that grief. Sometimes pain gets redirected. If you feel like crying, it’s okay to let it happen. Holding everything in usually keeps the nervous system activated.

You mentioned you’ve been using ChatGPT to make sense of things. It’s okay to use tools to organise thoughts, but they’re not really built to handle grief or attachment stress. Sometimes something can sound clear but still not help your body settle. What you’re describing needs space, not just analysis.

When you said, “I’ve always considered myself independent but realised it’s just me trying to protect myself,” that’s an important insight. For many people, independence becomes a way to avoid being hurt or let down. It doesn’t mean you don’t value connection. It just means you learned to stay safe.

So you also mentioned when K came into your life and consistently showed care, it makes sense that you leaned in. When time and effort are invested in someone who feels safe, the relationship becomes important. Conflict then doesn’t feel small. It can feel destabilising. That reaction isn’t irrational. It shows how much the relationship matters to you.

You described being in fight-or-flight most of the time, yet still functioning at work. That tells me you are capable. Your work is going well. You’re being offered leadership. Your bosses trust you. That’s observable evidence. At the same time, when you get home you scroll because the voice in your head feels loud. And that scrolling may be your way of dampening that inner criticism so you can sleep. It works short term, but it doesn’t truly restore you.

When you and K argue, what is the actual fear underneath? Is it losing the friendship? Or is it confirming a belief that you are too much or not enough?

And that belief, “I was never given a chance because I’m not good enough” do you mind sharing where did that come from? When did that idea first take root? Because your present environment is giving you different feedback. People see potential in you. The doubt may be coming from an earlier experience, not from your current competence.

You’re managing several things at once:
You’re grieving, navigating attachment, stepping into responsibility. Your nervous system is highly activated.

That’s a lot for one period of time. It may help to first focus on settling your body, even small reductions in hyperarousal can make thoughts less harsh. Then give grief some room. The leadership question can be looked at when you’re not operating from constant tension. One step at a time is enough for now, when your body settles, clarity tends to return.and that might help leave you feeling less lost.