Purpose: idk what I’m here for anymore

Ask a Therapist Coping
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I want to share that lately I just feel very numb. I used to feel lost and depressed but now I no longer feel that. Instead, just kinda numb and going with the flow. But yet, kinda lost. It’s as though I have no purpose on this earth anymore. i don seem to have anymore to contribute imo.

My job search journey is still ongoing, idk and idh anw to share my thoughts because idk where to start from honestly. Probably I have been suppressing my thoughts for a while while proceeding through other matters.

I just need to find a new purpose and goal again. Omg help.

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Hey @Wildflower. I hear you. Feeling numb and without purpose can feel very heavy and isolating. At the same time, I notice that you’re reaching out and expressing that you want to find a goal again which actually shows you haven’t given up on yourself.

Even in the numbness, you’re still searching for meaning, and that’s a quiet kind of strength. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Sometimes the first step is simply trying one small thing that brings a bit of comfort, or doing one activity that feels meaningful like it’s journaling, volunteering, or reconnecting with an old hobby. Those small steps can slowly build momentum and guide you back to a sense of purpose.

The fact that you’re still looking for purpose, even in the numbness, shows you do want more for yourself. It may take time, but these little steps can slowly bring back both momentum and meaning.

Sending you encouragement as you take things one day, one step at a time.:sunflower:

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Hey @Wildflower ,

Sorry to hear that you have been felling numb lately… were you at carrying out your job search when you said “going with the flow”? if not, where were you?

Moving from a raw low into numbness, could you mean that you were probably feeling so low that it bottomed out and that your senses switched off?

You reckon if you would be up for a couple of small ideas you might try this week, nothing big, just tiny steps:
• Pick one 10–20 minute thing that used to feel even a little meaningful (a song you liked, a short walk, updating one line in your CV). Do only that.
• Tell one person one short sentence: “i’m feeling numb lately, can you check in with me on X day?” (social scaffolding helps).
• Name the numbness when it shows up: “oh, that’s numb, it’s protecting me.” Naming reduces shame and gives you a tiny bit more choice.

If you want to share one tiny thing you used to like (a smell, a small task, a place), post it here and we’ll help pick just one small thing to test if anything still sparks. Ready steady steps, not pressure.

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It’s just the suddenly realisation that while things are moving, you know, wake up > do nothing much > sleep… another day pass.

I’m still waking up everyday… I don seem to have anymore purpose to this.

I don’t seem to feel much emotions, nothing really seems to excite me.

And I think it does not seem to help that my immunity this year has taken a great hit. Probably also because my appetite has not been great.

I know should be grateful that I still get called up for interviews, I have friends who text me, family around me etc etc.

but honestly, I just feel like I’m just taking up space for being. And I wonder what’s my purpose here anymore.

It has not occurred to be that this is a new low though. Just feel numb.

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Hey @Wildflower,

Just got around to reading how your days have blurred into wake up, and you still showed up, as if on autopilot? You even mentioned “i don’t seem to have any more purpose to this.” just curious: before this, was there something… a routine, a small thing that used to give you a sense of purpose? can you describe what that was like back then?

What you also mentioned was “nothing really seems to excite me” and that your immunity and appetite have taken a hit. That sounds like your body has been under strain too. Are you seeking treatment or medication? What about the excitement, do you remember when you last felt about anything, even something small? What was happening around you then?

There appears to be good things as well when you described; interviews, friends who text, family, but when you said “you should be grateful”. has someone around you judged you for being ungrateful? Or compared you to others? Sometimes we take on that pressure and it ends up feeling like a debt we have to pay back, even when we’re already depleted.

Just in case, because you mention purpose and taking up space: are you having any thoughts of harming yourself or not wanting to be alive right now? if yes, please say so here or you can call SOS at 1767 or the national mindline at 1771. Both are 24/7, if it ever feels urgent, dial 995.

If you feel that you are up for it, we can stay with small steps. maybe this week, pick one gentle thing you enjoyed before a song, a small walk, writing down a memory and spend just 10 minutes with it. Hope to hear from you.

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Thank you so much for replying. This means so much to me.

And I’m sorry this took so long. Usually I reply quite fast and I had seen your response yesterday, I tried a few time to respond but I just haven had that strength to do so.

I guess the old routine was more like wake up > work > think about how much I hate work > lunch > work > dinner > sleep. Now I still wake up mostly at the same time but I just lay in bed because there is no work to go to. I don’t always hate my job, because the job itself does not hate, it’s the people mostly. I had quite a meaningful job at a point, but… sigh.

As for my lousy immunity… yes, I have been to the doctor. And thankfully, I have recovered from the recent bug. The last bug had been coughing for a good 2 months in June and that was tough. Just thinking back, the number of months I’m not coughing this year is less than the numbers of months I’m coughing ( sucks having lousy lungs and asthma).

For excitement, really nothing comes to mind. I have tried thinking long and hard and really nothing comes. Even the recent overseas travel feels really numb. I don’t feel excited leading up to the travel or during it. It’s just weird. It’s as though that emotion has left my body.

About “you should be grateful”, no one has said that to me except the critical me. It’s always my self critical voice speaking that made me feel so lousy and probably that’s how I got all depressed I guess? These days it does not help that I’m feeling anxious too? During my regular doctor visits I had brought up about feeling nauseous and breathless, and since it’s not my asthma, and my lungs and heart seems fine, then the only possibly is stress and anxiety. :smiling_face_with_tear:

I have no thoughts of leaving this side of earth yet at least not now. I think… So don’t worry. Just really exhausted and I hope I can just hang on a little more. Honestly.

I think I have said too much. Not sure I’m even making any sense here. :face_exhaling:

Oh. And lately I feel that those affirmation massages I have as phone wallpaper is like bullshit. And like a slap in my face. What be proud of the progress (too lazy to type to actual msg since I feel it’s bull now). Idk what progress I even had since my depression diagnosis . I don even know what I’m hanging on for.

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Reading your message, even with the pauses and sighs, makes sense. The way you said you saw my reply yesterday and tried a few times but didn’t have the strength, that already shows how drained you are and yet how much you still want to stay connected. it’s okay that it took time.

The picture you gave of your old routine (wake up > work > hate the people > lunch > work > dinner > sleep) compared to now lying in bed because there’s no work… it really highlights how important a healthy, decent workplace was for you. It sounds like at some point the job itself held some meaning, but the relationships there slowly eroded that. No wonder your body and mind are tired.

Hearing about your immunity and the months of coughing with asthma… that’s a lot for anyone. Long stretches of unhappiness and stress can wear down the body’s defences. you’re not weak for that; it’s your system under chronic strain.

When you said you can’t recall excitement, not even on a recent overseas trip, that’s a real sign your emotions are blunted right now. Not that you’re broken, sometimes depression itself, or the medication used to treat it, can create that kind of numbness. This is important feedback for your psychiatrist or therapist. If you haven’t yet, you might want to tell them exactly what you wrote here about travel feeling flat and affirmations feeling like a slap. Those details help them consider adjustments to medication or therapy.

I’m glad you shared that no one else has told you “you should be grateful” . It’s your own inner critical voice. That voice can be so harsh, making you feel you owe others for existing. Naming it as self-criticism is already a step; it shows you’re observing it instead of just believing it.

You also said you’ve been feeling anxious with nausea and breathlessness even though your lungs and heart are fine, stress can absolutely cause that. Please keep mentioning those symptoms during your doctor visits; it helps them see the whole picture.

About the affirmations feeling like bullsh*t, that makes sense too. When you’re this tired, positive slogans can feel hollow. It doesn’t erase your progress though. Even writing all of this down and sending it is part of your progress. It’s valuable data for you and for your treatment team.

You’re not saying too much and you’re making perfect sense here. Everything you’ve described is coherent and important. We are here to keep holding this space with you, without crowding you with empty encouragement. Write again whenever you have the energy, even small fragments help.

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Honestly the feeling of constant breathlessness is quite annoying and frustrating. Especially when I already have enough to deal with.

These days I have been wondering where have I gone wrong in my healing journey, why do I feel so numb and where has my emotions left to…

It’s such an irony that it’s now October and it’s mental health month and I feel my lowest now.

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Yes, I can see how the feeling of constant breathlessness is quite annoying and frustrating. I can’t make any judgement on what could have gone wrong in your healing journey, as you have to share what you feel daily for now hence annoying and frustrating, but I want you to know that this is not to justify what you are going through, if that is what you are thinking. It is meant to tell your treatment team how you are coping so that they can somewhat help you ease the burden a little.

I’m curious, is it really true that things always go wrong with your healing journey? Was there an instance where it worked for you even if it was a short moment?

Again, pick up the call if writing becomes a chore, and just talk your heart out.

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Hi @Wildflower

It’s been such a tiring time… I hear that at first there was a feeling of being lost and depressed, but now everything has been really numb and purposeless almost? I want to share that having these feelings are normal. Going through a difficult time creates really big feelings, and when they become prolonged, our brains sometimes shuts down to cope. I’m wondering if that resonates with you?

I also see that you have identified a critical voice, and an anxious voice/feeling too. It’s really such an important step that you’re taking to understand yourself and what’s going on inside. I’m really proud of you for identifying these voices.

You’ve shared some things that the critical voice says, like “you should be grateful”, and I want to think as well that voice might be the one that says that even your affirmation message on your wallpaper is also that voice – what do you think? But what I’d like to remind is what the critical voice says is not always true. What the critical voice says about you isn’t all that makes you who you are, as well. You’re more than what that voice says! I can even see how much strength you have just by taking the time to circle back to reply despite being so fatigued, and even taking time to observe yourself and gaining insights about your own thoughts and feelings.

I’m wondering now that the critical voice is identified, do you think you’re able to identify when the critical voice is saying? And if you imagine a healthy adult you, or if you imagine one of the befrienders you have met – what might they say to the critical voice?

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I feel like a fraud some times. With friends/strangers, I’m one cheerful outgoing person. But really alone, I just feel numb and nothing. I hate this side of me but yet I can’t self isolate. As much as I want to, I know that self isolation is not healthy.

And also because I feel nothing, really I can’t speak to the critical voice or argue with the critical voice. I have no energy to. I just surrender to it.

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Anw, just wanna update that I have just went for therapy but kind felt like my whole journey got invalidated. I kinda asked like why I don’t seem to be getting better and then why I feel like I have alr been trying so hard all this while but nothing seems to be working. But only to be told that I have not been trying at all (kinda) the past year .

I had a homework to try and I tried it alr.

My whole body’s kinda trembled with it as it involved staying with my thoughts instead of avoiding them like I have always done.

Now I’m having second thoughts about my healing journey. Should I continue? I’m so tired honestly.

The sleeplessness. The constant rumination. The self doubt. The critical voices. Being embarrassed about going for therapy and taking meds. Every thing yknow.

help.

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Hey @wildflower,

Reading this update, I can see how hard you’ve been working even when it feels like nothing’s working. Calling yourself a fraud for being cheerful outside but empty inside, that split isn’t fake, it’s your way of surviving. You still reach for connection while trying not to drown in the quiet part of you and that takes more strength than people think.

About therapy, being told you haven’t been trying when you’ve been fighting through every sleepless night, every round of nausea and trembling, that must’ve stung deeply. It makes sense you’d question if this journey’s even worth continuing. But what you described, doing the homework, staying with your thoughts until your body shook, is the work. that trembling is your system finally letting some frozen feelings thaw. That’s progress, even if it doesn’t look clean.

Again, numbness and exhaustion are signs that your medication or pace in therapy might need adjustment, not that you’ve failed. When you next see your doctor or therapist, it’s worth mentioning exactly how flat and tired you feel. They can only calibrate when you give them this feedback.

For now, instead of deciding whether to stop healing, maybe let’s just rest the decision. Small pause, not a stop, healing isn’t linear. It’s a series of loops, and right now you’re in a valley, not an end.

If tonight the rumination or critical voice gets loud, do a simple grounding check-in:
look around and name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. It helps bring your mind back into the present moment when it starts spinning.

This exhaustion can be lonely but to feel like you’re moving but not improving, that’s often the part just before things start to shift. You don’t have to prove effort; it’s already visible in how you keep showing up here. For now, your only homework is rest. Nothing to prove, nothing to fight. We’ll keep holding this space until your strength catches up again.

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I don think my strength will ever catch up. While I’m still working on my homework, just hoping with my small voice that it will work somehow and the trembling will get lesser, the discomfort will get lesser, it does not get easier…

Yesterday I was just feeling hopeful. I finally had a good day, didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, seem to fall asleep quite easily ( but now that I think back it’s probably my exhaustion taking over after a week of bad sleep).

Went for an Interview and walked out of an interview feeling hopeful. Today, I got rejected from that job. Somehow idk why I felt I was a good fit for the role despite it just being a temp role. Had good vibes from the interviewer, we had a good chat and all…

Now I’m just plunged deeper than ever into darkness, into nothingness. Maybe I’m just destined to be joblessness forever where no employer will ever pick me.

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Hey @Wildflower,

I’m really hoping you find this space safe enough to talk about the stuff that still hurts. I hear you that it’s not getting easier. What I want you to hold on to is that getting help is still on your terms, you get to decide what “getting better” means and how it looks for you.

Sometimes the suffering drags on because we’re anxious about the outcome, we keep checking for results. The pressure can come from people around us or the world we live in, but a lot of it also comes from inside, from that voice that says “you should be doing better by now.”

It might help to bring this up with your treatment team. tell them how you’ve been feeling, what scares you, what feels stuck. the more honest you can be, the better they can adjust the plan with you.

Progress is real, but when anxiety kicks in we only look for big changes. Small ones don’t register, so we end up disappointed and once disappointment sets in, it becomes a cycle that feeds the depression.

Something like:
Disappointed by situation > Think “not good enough” > self-worth drops > feel hurt > start avoiding help or isolate > more disappointment > more self-blame… and round it goes.

If you can spot that loop, that’s already progress. If you were to break one small part of it, even a tiny one, what would that look like for you?

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Honestly…

I think being honest and vulnerable with the care team is what really scares me the most.

As much as I can share here, I am hesitant to share too much with my care team for fear that my concerns might be misinterpreted or perceived as a threat to myself. I’m not sure why.

Honestly, I don’t know how safe I am to myself as well. TBH.

I have yet to establish the level of trust to be fully truthful with my care team at this moment. I am afraid of what might happen if I share everything. Additionally, when I speak to them in person, I get a mental block of what to say. I am not exactly articulate. Here, I can type and retype until I am fully ready to submit.