Recently, I’ve left a friendship because they’ve been emotionally attached and has completely been a one sided friendship to me. For the past 1.5 years, I’ve been viewed as their best friend, their ONLY friend despite having someone else who’s taken that spot in my heart. I feel really guilty, but went along with it otherwise they’d be miserable. ButI was even more miserable even with them like this, constantly venting and pushing away my own vents with short responses while I give it my all.
Eventually they’d started getting really possessive, texting me “:((“ or getting really dry whenever someone talked to me, and when I said I sacrificed nearly everything just to keep her stable, I MEAN it. Until one day, I saw my efforts going into vain when I saw them with someone else and then coming up to me just to talk about how ■■■■ their life is.. I had enough of their bs and ignored em for a full day straight. I cried all night because I felt so bad being their only friend and making them suffer this much. I could’ve sworn I told myself, I’ll apologise tomorrow, I’ll do it next week, but none of that came and the guilt just spiralled from then on.
I tried everything I could, telling my friends to befriend them when she’s lonely, eat with them during lunch, stalking their vent channels and analysing every single information I could get.. nothing. She doesnt like socialising, she refuses to get help (before and after this btw) and i’m severely jealous of myself for doing all this.
I couldn’t sleep at night, I ate in bathroom stalls, sometimes I’d avoid and stalk the the classroom like the plague and I’d puke from being so terrified after seeing them. In close proximity, I could feel my chest tightening and my feet turning cold silently begging for her to hear my apologies through my head and at some point, ended up at the nurse’s office because I ended up in the same group as them. absolutely pathetic, no?
It went on for 4 whole months, nonstop.. and then all of the sudden I felt like all of my empathy has submerged somewhere. I couldn’t feel guilty anymore, I didn’t care if someone felt hurt and even seeing someone injured didn’t secretly stir something in me anymore. I panicked, realized that life was actually amazing without the constant judgement and emotional manipulation from them, then lived on my life.. until they begged me to be friends once more.
…Stupidly, I said yes. Because I felt bad, and that brings me here where I still resent them but don’t want them any worser than I am. Now, the only issue is I see a pattern in here the same way I did with a previous abuser whom I got harassed from, and that shooks me to the core so much I end up taking random drugs just to stop the feeling. I can’t help but feel like she’s going to touch, hit or kiss me at some point and it terrifies me not knowing which one it’ll be. I have enough nightmares as it is I don’t need it doubled up despite already having them.
I’m not trying to villainize my friend here, they have their own problems I don’t know of and I suspect they have BPD, which made it difficult for me to stay on. I’ve never had a friend completely to myself like this (or anyone really) before, so if what I’m doing is wrong.. I’m really sorry, please correct me.
My current friend who unironically proves what a true friendship should look like (she’s like my older sister) and helps me with this situation, is about to graduate so I’ll have to manage this on my own. Please help.
