trying to untangle complicated emotions

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Hi there. This is going to be a long one. I need some advice on untangling these difficult emotions I have. I am currently away from home and studying in a different country, and I study in the countryside/suburban area. The uni I attend is considered relatively low grade in the country, but it is the one that I managed to get into a couple of years ago. Throughout my time here, I haven’t been able to make many friends in school and have ended up only hanging out with the international student groups. While I have befriended many of them, the friendships feel incredibly superficial, and I don’t really relate to many of them at all. But for about a year, since the summer of 2024, I became pretty good friends with two girls from a different course, where I feel comfortable around them and do think of them as good friends, as we could really relate to each other. And after getting along with them, I started becoming friends with their friends, and my circle expanded, and I started opening up my feelings to them. They reciprocated well enough, and we all got along. And thus, my immediate circle of close friends became those two girls and another girl.

But sometime later during summer last year, I had a very complicated and messy breakup with my first ever long-distance bf, all while juggling exams and end-of-semester reports, and they helped me out with regulating my emotions and took care of my health and diet while I was grieving. But during that time, I was dealing with incredibly complicated emotions, and all I could think of was saving myself first, during a time when I thought it would be better if I just stopped existing. They were there to help me and make sure I was okay, even letting me stay over at their places on occasion, because they knew that I would cry myself to sleep alone and wanted to be of some company to me. I can’t stress how grateful I am to them for all that they did. But things turned ugly quickly when, on several occasions, I accidentally offended them multiple times by doing things that seemed tone deaf and inconsiderate in their eyes. And as a group, they labelled me behind my back and discussed whether or not I was being this way to them out of pure ignorance, or if it was knowingly. All the times I accidentally did something, they never told me how they felt, but just bottled it up and started to isolate me during break times after we came back from our sem break.

The only way I found out was, two weeks after school started, someone close to the group but not involved spilled the beans to me that they were discussing me behind my back, and that I had offended them all deeply. And then, immediately after I was told everything, the group involved reached out to me directly to talk. During the intervention, they started becoming really defensive and said that they meant to tell me eventually, but then started telling me about everything I did that they found offensive, but also said they didn’t need an apology, and let me go. I thought this would be the end of it, but over the next 4 days, they repeatedly called me up to have a direct talk again and again, talking about the same things. I asked them why they didn’t tell me that they were offended by me, and they said it was “my job as a person to find that out myself”, and also started getting frustrated, saying that they shouldn’t even be explaining themselves to me. On the last day, one of the girls pulled me aside to tell me that she “can’t treat me as well as she did anymore” because of how hurt she was by me. All this time, I apologised and said I understood, and that I’ll watch myself from now on, but after that incident, I stopped hanging out with them because I just felt like it was a lot of drama. I enjoyed my time with them, and no doubt, they are great people. But I was hurt that they didn’t think of me enough as a friend to talk to me about these things earlier. One of the girls consistently kept asking me to join them for lunch, but most of the time, I just politely refused. We still exchanged greetings when we saw each other by chance in school, because it’s not like we completely stopped being friends; we just had a falling out, and, being the only Singaporean in that group of Chinese nationals, I was afraid I would do something offensive to them again, so I just kept myself at a respectful distance and went about my life.

About 5 months passed since then, and now we are at the end of our semester, and coincidentally, I sat next to one of the girls from the group for our final lesson of the year. That was when she suddenly told me that she managed to transfer to a prestigious art school that was far away, and I was happy for her. But then she told me that the whole group of 4, including her, all made it into that school, and they will be doing their third year together there. I guess I was a bit shocked because I didn’t know the rest of them also tried for that school.

But this was where the complicated emotions started to come up. I started feeling everything all at once. I was happy for them, then jealous that they got into such a good school and all passed together and had the monetary power to do that, then a little angry that it seemed like they moved on well without me, then sad because I wouldn’t see them again, then regret because I wouldn’t have the chance to reconcile with them again, and regret that they wouldn’t even bat an eye to the affairs of this small school that was now obviously beneath them, where I am stuck in. I really hoped to maybe reconcile with them this year and get back on good terms again, since we would see each other in school. But now that they wouldn’t even be here anymore, they will continue happily together, and they won’t have any issues getting used to the new environment because they all have each other. And then now I would be stuck here alone, in this small school, small city, and getting credentials that may never compare to the brand name of the school that they are getting into. I don’t know why I feel this way now, and it is bothering me so much that I have issues sleeping. While I won’t see the other three girls before they go, the one who consistently invited me agreed hang out with me one last time, because she was the only one who wanted to stay friends and actually meant it.

I don’t know why I am feeling this way, and honestly, I don’t even know if I have correctly pinpointed the reasons for each emotion. I just want this feeling to end, so I can move on and be happy with what I have and be genuinely happy for them for getting into such a prestigious school as well. I just feel so lost, and so lonely and so alone. I talked to a friend about this, but he just doesn’t really seem to fully understand the whole thing and I get frustrated talking abotu this with him. Does anyone know what am I feeling, and what are some things I can do to make this feeling go away?

Thank you, and so sorry for the incredibly long post.

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Hey @ether. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable here. It really comes through how much you cared these friendships and how deeply this situation has affected you, especially while you’re far from home.

From what you have shared, it sounds like several difficult experiences are overlapping at once like how you’re grieving over the loss of friendships without a sense of closure, loneliness that comes while being away from home, and and then seeing them move on together in a way that brings up fears about being left behind or stuck. So, when everything comes at once, triggered by something, it feels very overwhelming.

Your friendship with them gave you a sense of belonging, especially when they were the people who once helped you when you were struggling. So of course hearing about their transfer stirred everything back up, not just sadness, but jealousy, anger, regret, and grief all mixed together. Feeling all of that at once does not make you a bad person.

One thing that stood out to me is the emotional maturity you showed in how you handled the fallout. It really does look like your tried your very best. You apologized, reflected, and noticed when the situation became too painful for you to stay close. I see that as awareness, resilience and self-respect.

You don’t need to force yourself to move on or “feel better” yet. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is admit, this experience hurts, and let that be true without judging yourself for it. And if things ever start feeling too heavy, please know there are people who can support you, whether that’s someone you trust or a support service available to you where you’re studying at. There are also other support services that you can do online as well like National Mindline at 1771 (Call) or +65 6669 1771 (WhatsApp).

There’s no rush to figure everything out. It’s okay to take this one step at a time and just focus on getting through each day with a bit more gentleness. Please be kind to yourself, okie? I really hope you’re able to find small moments of comfort and steadiness, even if things still feel messy right now. Sending you lots and lots of warmth and care :sunflower:

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Hi @ether You sound like you are going through a lot of different emotions at one time and that must be quite overwhelming. I wanna let you know that what you’re feeling is normal and it’s not something to be ashamed of!

Friendships can be very messy and misunderstandings are normal and almost inevitable. It seems that you guys have had some confrontations but did not manage to go back to what you were previously. I know that this must be really painful for you especially since you mentioned they were the only group of friends you felt comfortable and close with. It can be heartbreaking to acknowledge that you cannot relive those moments with them again…Based on what has happened, it may seem really difficult to return to that state. And sometimes, it is best to let go of a friendship. Accepting its end does not mean to deny your pain or what you all had, but it’s just a form of moving on, sitting with that pain and healing so that you can find your new people to love and make memories with.

Your feelings of jealousy are understandable, given that it’s so easy to compare since you guys used to be in the same friend group. I think moving on could help you view yourself as something separate from them. It could free you from the what ifs and the idea that you could be doing what they are doing. You have your own path that you can follow, independent of what their path looks like❤️

It seems there is a sense of fear and dread in you as you are afraid you will feel alone. But I think this can rather be an opportunity for you to open yourself up to a new group of people. It will be scary and uncomfortable but it is worth trying. You have a chance to embrace this new start :slight_smile:

Emotions are complicated and it is normal to feel so many all at once. I think you managed to articulate your emotions quite well which is a step in the right direction. You can consider journaling your thoughts whenever the emotions arise again to create a more 3rd person POV of your situation, which can help you calm down and have a clearer understanding of what is going on. You can also consider reaching out to your school counsellor or to the help lines available on this website!

I believe in you and I’m sure you will find ‘your people’. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to take a while to find friends you feel comfortable with, but rather it means that that group you find is one you truly feel like you belong to.

Feel free to share more❤️

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Thank you for sharing this, what you’re feeling makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you’re carrying grief, loneliness, and comparison all at once. This isn’t just about them transferring schools; it’s about losing a sense of belonging, a chance at reconciliation, and feeling left behind while others move forward together.

Feeling happy for them and sad or jealous for yourself doesn’t make you a bad person, it means you’re human. You went through a lot in that friendship and during a really vulnerable time in your life, and it’s okay that this resurfacing hurts.

You don’t have to force these feelings away to move on. Letting yourself acknowledge the loss and being kinder to yourself is often what helps them ease. You’re not behind, you’re just in a difficult chapter right now, and it won’t define your whole story. :slight_smile: <3

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Hey @ether,

I read your post slowly. What stood out first wasn’t jealousy or bitterness, but how much effort you’ve put into surviving and connecting, especially while being away from home in a different country.

For a while, something important really did shift for you. You found people you felt safe with. You weren’t as alone. You were opening up and building a small but real sense of belonging, even while grieving a relationship and managing school. That matters. It suggests you weren’t just clinging; you were coping, learning, reaching.

During that rough patch, those friends became a cushion. They helped you regulate, eat, sleep, and get through the days. It makes sense that gratitude slowly turned into a kind of carefulness because you were afraid of losing the only warm place you had.

When things shifted, what feels especially painful isn’t only the fallout, but how it happened.

You weren’t told directly when something felt off. You were discussed, labelled, and only found out later. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’m curious how you first found out about the labelling. And do you remember what specific behaviours they later described as “ignorant”? Not to judge, but to understand how sudden and disorienting this felt from your side.

What I hear underneath is this:
You were expected to read yourself perfectly, without feedback. No room to misunderstand. No space to make mistakes. And when you asked for clarity, it felt like that need itself became a problem.

That kind of environment can feel psychologically trapping; like you’re always being evaluated, but never guided. Stepping back doesn’t sound like drama avoidance. It sounds more like self-protection, pulling away before the weight of judgement became too much.

Fast forward to now. Hearing that they’re all moving on together, to a more prestigious place, seems to have cracked something open. Not just comparison, but a familiar feeling of being left behind again, away from family, away from familiarity, back to that quiet loneliness you felt when you first arrived.

You might be minimising it by telling yourself, “I should be happy for them,” but your body seems to be reacting to something older: just when you felt warm, connected, and seen, it disappeared.

That doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It doesn’t mean you’re small-minded. It means you’re human, and attachment mattered.

Right now, you don’t have to force these feelings to disappear. They’re trying to tell a story, about loss, about worth, about how tiring it is to feel you must be careful all the time to be cared for.

A gentle check-in, if you’re open to it: When you think about being “stuck” there alone, what does that say about you in your own mind? And when you imagine them moving on together, what fear comes up about your own future, or about being loved?

Meeting the one friend who still wants to see you doesn’t have to be about fixing anything. It can simply be an ending with less silence. We don’t have to rush this into acceptance yet. For now, it might be enough to name it plainly: this hurts because you cared, and because being alone again is scary.

If you want to keep talking, we are here.