I’m tired of always being stuck in my room 24/7, everyday. All I do is wake up early in the morning, sit in my chair, and start online school until late afternoon. I get done with school and then continue to sit in my chair, staring at my computer screen the rest of the day in darkness. I try to go outside more to find at least something that would bring me a little joy, but its too cold, boring, and feels pointless. I live in a crappy area of my state. Everything and everyone is old. I feel out of place when I live here. I get judged for all the black i wear everyday. People give me looks in public whenever I actually go somewhere, which is basically just going to Walmart for groceries and back. I always cry, listen to music to try to make myself happy, I’m very skinny and eat little to nothing. I’m pale and I hate my life. I used to have lots of friends at 10 and younger, but they eventually left, gotten into an argument, or we just grew apart. I’ve been called ugly, worthless, and annoying in the past by many online “friends”. I have no social friends, maybe 2 online friends that I used to talk with a lot but not much anymore. I feel like I’m always the cause for a dead friendship, that everyone hates me. I’m too scared and awkward to make any new friends, not like there are any other kids where i live. I’m tired of my grandma threatening to burn all my black clothes. I’ve tried to wear color but it makes me so uncomfortable and want to hide in a corner. I don’t feel like myself at ALL when I wear anything besides my usual black clothing. I just want to be happy. I’m always insecure with how I look and cry about it in the bathroom. I’ve cut my own hair, put a painful amount of pressure on my face to try to change the features I absolutely despise. I’ve cut myself a few times with a knife because I actually cannot take it anymore. I purposely cut myself on the top of my hand so I could just bleed out and possibly die. I love my family and I know its selfish but I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I wish I actually had a dad and not a worthless drug addict that I’ve barley seen half of my life. I try to study, I try to be better, I try to do this and that to be happy, to try new things. Nothing helps. I’m always tired and have no energy. I’m so lost, empty, and dead inside. 
Hi @Emorat,
Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. I can tell you’re going through a really overwhelming time right now, and it’s clear how deeply you’re trying to make sense of everything. I want you to know that your emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel this way—it doesn’t make you weak or less deserving of support.
Let’s take a moment to focus on you
It’s okay to feel comfort in wearing black clothing—it’s part of what makes you feel like yourself. You don’t need to change that to make others comfortable. What matters is how you feel inside, not what others think.
It can hurt when people judge you without understanding your story. It sounds like what you’re craving most is a space where you can feel seen and accepted just as you are. That’s not selfish—it’s human.
It’s so clear how hard you’re trying, even when it feels like nothing is working. That effort shows your strength, even when you feel worn out and lost.
I want you to know that you matter. Can I suggest some things for you to try?
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Is there a way you can connect with people who share your interests, like music or fashion? Online communities or groups might be a start.
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If you start to feel overwhelmed, try holding something cold (like ice) in your hand or focus on breathing slowly in and out. These small steps can help you feel a little more present.
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It sounds like there’s love in your family, even though it feels complicated. If not a family member, is there a teacher, counsellor, or friend you could reach out to?
It’s okay to feel like things are heavy now, but I believe you can find moments of light, even if they’re small at first. Do not be defined by your past mistakes or labels. Being a hard-working person is something to be proud of.
If you’re open to it, reaching out to a counsellor or helpline could help you sort through these feelings in a safe way. You don’t have to go through this alone. Would you be willing to take that step when you’re ready? If not now, we are still here to listen. 
You deserve peace and happiness, even if it feels far away right now. You’ve already shown so much strength by sharing this—it’s the first step to healing.
im not sure how to help so i’ll leave that to a professional but here’s an e-hug 
sometimes if i think someone is judging me, i imagine they don’t exist and neither does their judgement. i’m not sure if this will work for u but you can try it.
don’t hurt yourself, pls. use the knife to stab a pillow or something. or cut a piece of paper into a bunch of triangles. lysm queen 
Things I would do:
- Get a social life. Sometimes all you need is people around you physically to talk to, to just enjoy each other presence, not people online. Go participate in an event, be open, find friends
- Take a morning walk. You mention that your class starts in the afternoon. Take a morning walk early morning walk. Take in the smell of fresh air, look at the greenery. This will help your life a bunch.
- Ignore what other thinks of you. Doesn’t matter who is it, even if is your family. Do what you love, if you love wearing black and it makes u comfortable. Go for it.
- Don’t let your family background be who you are today. I’ve seen countless of people who lead a disappointing often faulting their family for it. I also have seen many people who became successful despite their family background and struggles. Choose your own destiny, don’t let anyone decide for you or stop you.
- At the end of day, it will be a struggle, no kidding. It must have been tough for you to handle so far, but there’s always beauty in the struggle. A diamond is always formed under high pressure….