its been a really long time since ive visited this forum which means its good because ive been slowly improving. but lately everything feels like its rushing back again and the bad thoughts are coming back… one example is a very stupid one but it affects me. i just cant help comparing myself to my bf who i introduced a game to and now hes way better than me. i know its because he plays more, but i started longer than him and i cant really stand all the tryhard stuff he says about the game… it makes me feel like im not good at it at all since its kind of the only mobile game i play to destress. ive quit the game. i know it doesnt seem like much but it kind of reminds me how im good at nothing. ive been trying in my studies but i still fail subjects, its like every single thing i do theres always competition and i always feel like im bad at it and good at nothing…
then secondly is the past. bad memories from the past, like what happened in my relationship, still haunts me to this very day even though the incident happened around half a year ago. i still love my partner but i know that no matter how much love i feel at any point of the relationship, the scar will tug at me, and it gets especially bad if im sad. like how i was sobbing last night so bad like there was no tomorrow. and sometimes my partners actions doesnt match his words, and sometimes i dont believe what he says. i dont trust him like i used to. i dont know what to do, im like driven into a corner.
besides relationship stuff i also have a lot of stress in school. but that can be improved by working harder which i am trying to do. but the feeling of not being able to do anything good is one thats very destructive and its coming back and i dont know how to handle it. ive also been having thoughts about cvtting although i havent acted on it.
if you read till here, im thankful. id really appreciate any advice on how to move forward with the topics i shared.
hey @throwawayacc,
i just want to start by saying thank you for sharing all of that. you’ve carried a lot inside for a while now, and i can feel the effort it took to even type it all out. and that effort matters—it’s not small.
it sounds like you’ve been doing your best to move forward, and for a while it was getting better. but now it feels like it’s all crashing back, and the sadness, the doubts, even those old hurts are pulling at you again.
the game stuff might seem silly to others, but i hear you. it was something that helped you cope—and now, even that feels taken from you. it’s not just about the game, right? it’s about how it made you feel like you weren’t good enough. and when that adds to all the pressure at school, and the weight of what happened in your relationship… it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed.
and the worst part is probably how alone you feel with it all. like you’re cornered, unsure who or what to trust—including yourself sometimes.
you mentioned you’ve had thoughts about cvtting. i want to say clearly: i hear that, and i’m not afraid of it. but we care about you staying safe. when those thoughts come up, they’re not you being dramatic or weak—they’re your mind’s way of saying i need relief. that pain deserves care, not shame.
please, reach out to someone you trust. or even if it’s a helpline. you don’t have to explain everything. you can just start with: “i don’t feel okay right now.”
this pain, this storm—it won’t last forever. but i hope you don’t face it alone.
you’ve been brave to come here. that courage still lives in you. let’s keep using it. one small step at a time.